Five Days

   Five days until surgery. I have been cracking jokes (they have to separate my ribs...get it cracking haha!) all day. I have been trying anything to make the fear of surgery less. I am a very humorous person, though you probably cannot tell from the seriousness of this blog. If I cannot find the humor in this, then I will allow it to consume me. This is literally the biggest surgery I will have undergone to date. 
   Next week is going to be insane! My step-dad is taking the kids Monday evening so that my mom and her best friend can get up and be there for the surgery early Tuesday. Damion is staying here since he will be going with me. I have to be at the hospital by 6:30 Tuesday morning. Surgery will begin around 9 and last anywhere from 2-3 hours depending on how much lung they end up needing to take. So, my mom and Bill will have the kids in the evenings, and Damion will watch them during the day if Kevin is working that particular night. They are helping me out so much. I cannot thank them enough. I have to plan on staying in the hospital no less than seven days but I could be in for longer depending on how long it takes for my lung to heal.
   Pre-Op was rescheduled to Friday and because of my heart, they decided to just type my blood and have 2 pints available instead of taking 2 pints from me. Then, I have to go to my Cardiologist directly after Pre-Op so he can discuss his plans for my care during surgery and after. I am so hoping I can sleep in on Saturday and not have a thing to worry about for a few days at least.
   I would like to take the time to express my extreme gratitude to all of my friends who have reached out to me this past month sending me support. Even people I do not know have contacted me wishing me good luck and sending me prayers. We are genuinely humbled, beyond moved, and surprised at the wonderful outpouring of support we have received throughout this entire process.
   This amazing display of support in all its different forms has been incredible- it has been amazing to witness people pulling together to help out as much as they can. The warmth and support my family has felt has shed an awful lot of light on what would otherwise be an incredibly dark time. It is the support that we receive that keeps us remaining as positive as we can.
   There is every single reason to remain positive. There seems nothing to be gained by sinking into negative thoughts. And really, all they do is cause me more worry and anxiety, and that is not good for my body either. 
   One thing I am extremely upset about is that the season premier of "Grey's Anatomy" starts while I am in SICU. I mean, seriously! SERIOUSLY! There are no TV's in SICU! Someone please keep me up to date on what happens! I cannot believe I have waited four months to see the premier only to find out it airs while I will be in SICU! Beyond frustrated!!!!!
   The language of medicine is all about war: "fighting the good fight, bravely fighting to the last moment, valiantly destroying our illness, surviving the battle." Language and action follow belief, the belief that destroying, defeating, scourging, cutting out, burning out, is the only way that illness can be conquered. Even conquered is a war image. 
   Illness and pain is like a small room. You close the door and sit down and you're alone. No matter how many people are around you, you are always alone with your illness. No one can really know how you feel. No one can experience your pain. No one can enter that room but you. Though you're there from the beginning, it takes awhile to realize it, I think. First there's that panic and confusion, then decisions and grief. When I look back, it all seems like noise. But once I became aware of that small room, everything was quiet. It's from this place that I can take stock, breathe in, listen to my music, write, bow my head in gratitude, and live to the next day.
   Finding something to be grateful for every day allowed me to find space away from my fear, turned my face and my heart to beauty and God's grace, connected me with hope instead of misery...gratitude links you consciously to your heart, helping it to open. 

   Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend………..Melody Beattie

Invite Wonder

What if you bowed
before every dandelion you met
and wrote love letters to
squirrels and pigeons
who crossed your path?

What if scrubbing the dishes became
an act of single reverence for the gift
of being washed clean, and what if the
rhythmic percussion of chopping carrots
became the drumbeat of your dance?

What if you stepped into the shower
each morning only to be baptized anew
and sent forth to serve the grocery bagger,
the bank teller, and the bus driver
through simple kindness?

And what if the things that make
your heart dizzy with delight were
no longer stuffed into the basement
of your being and allowed out to play
in the lush and green fields?

There are two ways to live in this world:

As if everything were enchanted
or nothing at all.

There is no in between, although you
keep trying to live this divided life knowing
deep down something is awry.
You have lived long enough
with this tearing apart.

Come out into the wide world
and discover there companions and guides
at every turn, and even those who summon
curses from your heart have
a divine spark within them bright enough 

to invite wonder.

—Christine Valters Paintner