Courageous

   What does it mean to be courageous? Are we all courageous? I believe that courage resides in all of us. We have to have courage to simply make it in this life. I get told all of the time how strong and brave I am. And though I really appreciate the words of encouragement and compliments, I really do not see myself in this light. I simply see myself as a mother and a wife who is fighting to stay alive...and I believe most people in my situation would do the same. In essence we are all courageous. 
   These past few days have been high anxiety days for me, and I do not see that getting any better until after surgery. Does that make me weak? Sometimes, to be perfectly honest with you, I sure feel weak when I allow anxiety to control my life...to control my every thought. The craziest thing about my anxiety this week is that I am not so much worried about the surgery as I am about everything that will happen at home. I worry about leaving the burden on others to take care of my children and my animals. I worry about the financial strain that may take on my mom and step-dad. I worry that I won't come home to a clean house (one that is mold free...I have been telling my landlord for months to fix it). I worry about how Kevin is going to manage working and teaching the kids and finding time to visit me. And...I worry about my sweet dog. She will want to love on me as soon as I get home, yet, I cannot allow her to do so because she is huge and could wind up potentially hurting me. I am definitely my mother's daughter. She worries more than she should, too.
   I have talked about my love for God over the course of this blog, and I truly believe that He is the only one that is going to be able to help me get through all of the emotions that are weighing heavy on my heart. I need to pray harder. I need to learn to truly let go and give all my worries to God. For Christians, I truly believe that giving your problems to God is one of the hardest challenges we face. We feel that we need to be in control at all times...and we cannot truly hear God if we persistently keep blocking him out by our need for control. I need to hear him now more than ever. 
   In my life, I have felt so many different emotions. I am pretty sure I have gone through every single emotion, in fact. Some expected and some emotions were inappropriate. I have flown high and I have crashed and burned. I have ridden on lows that have lingered for months and years. 
   As with most people, though, I tend to stay somewhere in the middle, where I bounce around in how I feel. I have good days; I have bad days; I have in between days. I think I am pretty normal in that. For the most part, I have always been an optimistic pessimist. Or rather, a realist.
   My life has changed. I cannot grieve over being diagnosed with these illnesses, because the losses the illnesses caused to me happened a long time ago. There's very little way to go but up right now...and yet...I am sad. I'm not grieving. I'm not really all that upset or anything. I am just plain and simple sad. When old episodes of "Grey's Anatomy" still make me cry...yeah...I am pretty sad. 
   It is so hard to realize that I have been fighting for a diagnosis (a correct one) for most of my life. My entire world, my entire life, has either been radically altered by, controlled by, or changed by medical conditions. Everything I was, everything I was about, had me seeking a diagnosis. I have either been fighting to get up out of bed, or fighting to keep from having to go to bed.
   Every aspect of my life from my self image, my self esteem, my self worth, not being able to go back to work, my body, my sex life, my friendships, my relationships with family- every single aspect of my life has been altered, damaged, touched by this rare stupid disease known as Vasculitis.
   I have gained and lost so much weight. Lately, all I have done is gain because of the crap drug called Prednisone. My skin is not even the same. My body is definitely not the same. Even my hair has changed (and if you personally know me, you know just how important my hair is to me). 
   Everything has changed.
   I am a broken woman, worn, tired...I am twenty years older than I was five years ago, and yet, inside, I feel like I have so much life left and like I have lost so much life already. Precious moments with my kids because I am too sick to play basketball (that has always been our thing), precious moments with my husband (date nights are scarce because I run a fever and have to stay in all the time), and precious moments with my mom (we used to have a girls day out all of the time...and now I can't)...I am missing all of these things that mean so much to me.
   I feel like I have been holding my breath for the past year, and I have finally been given permission to exhale.
   But, all I can think right now is, now what? What if the biopsy comes back and they find something worse than Vasculitis (which I honestly do not think there is anything worse than this), or what if they find nothing? What if this surgery is for nothing? Will I get to go back on treatments? Or will they keep me on these steroids forever? So many unanswered questions...and it drives me nuts!
   And now, I really do not know who I am anymore. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what my next move should be. Should I move at all?
   And this whole thing absolutely scares me to death.
   So how do you start dying to live and just start living when it has been so long since you have been able to do that?
   I know who I was, and I know who I want to be.
   I just need to figure out who I am, and right now that seems so very hard to do. That seems like something I am not sure I want to do. I sit here today, staring at blank screens trying to find the words to explain it all...and they just aren't there.
   All the emotions swirl under the surface. I am angry they didn't find this sooner. I am angry that so much damage has been done to my lungs, my heart, and my kidneys because they simply wouldn't take the time to listen to me. I am angry at everyone who ever doubted me for even a split second that I was really sick. I am sad that so much time has been lost. I am sad that my children will never get back the precious time with me that was taken from them. I am angry that Kevin has never had me be all the woman I used to be and that he deserved from me. I am angry that my mom has had to hold me up more times than I have been able to hold her. I'm pissed and sad about all the events and milestones in life that I will never get back.
   And all they had to do (doctors), was listen to me. I knew my body. I know my body, I knew.
   And, I can't forgive them for dismissing me. I can't forgive them for giving me the wrong treatments. I cannot forgive them for making me doubt myself. I cannot forgive them for making me cry and actually thinking that they were right..what if this was all in my head? I don't mind them doubting me...but how dare they make me doubt myself.
   Right now, in this moment, I feel suspended in mid air, alone, hanging here, watching the past and regretting. Worried about the future. So confused about right now. Suspended animation. Wakeful sleep. A grogginess about myself and life that is worse than any brain fog. 
   So, I am allowing myself to be human for a moment and just feel, without feeling...to just be silent with myself. Just be still and quiet.
   ...and grieve.
   Because only when I get through the loss, the grief, the sadness, only then can I truly find acceptance. 
   I think now is a good time to just let go and let God. I think that all of this thinking is giving me a headache. And I also think that I deserve a nice tall glass of refreshing chocolate milk. 
   Sorry for the depressing post...but like everyone else in this world, we all have our bad, sad, lost, and confused days. This does not make us weak or any less courageous. For our battles are truly our own...and only we know how to fight them. If crying, being pissed off, grieving, or just being sad is part of the battle...then let it all out. Fight back by letting it all out. We cannot truly move on and give our battles to God if we do not fight back...if we do not allow ourselves to vent every now and then.
   Thanks for listening to me ramble on tonight....and remember, we are all courageous and strong. I am posting the lyrics below to one of my most favorite Casting Crowns songs. Maybe it will give you inspiration.

"Courageous"

We were made to be courageous
We were made to lead the way
We could be the generation
That finally breaks the chains
We were made to be courageous
We were made to be courageous

We were warriors on the front lines
Standing, unafraid
But now we're watchers on the sidelines
While our families slip away

Where are you, men of courage?
You were made for so much more
Let the pounding of our hearts cry
We will serve the Lord

We were made to be courageous
And we're taking back the fight
We were made to be courageous
And it starts with us tonight

The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees with lifted hands
Make us courageous
Lord, make us courageous

This is our resolution
Our answer to the call
We will love our wives and children
We refuse to let them fall

We will reignite the passion
That we buried deep inside
May the watchers become warriors
Let the men of God arise

We were made to be courageous
And we're taking back the fight
We were made to be courageous
And it starts with us tonight

The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees with lifted hands
Make us courageous
Lord, make us courageous

Seek justice
Love mercy
Walk humbly with your God

In the war of the mind
I will make my stand
In the battle of the heart
And the battle of the hand

In the war of the mind
I will make my stand
In the battle of the heart
And the battle of the hand

We were made to be courageous
And we're taking back the fight
We were made to be courageous
And it starts with us tonight

The only way we'll ever stand
Is on our knees with lifted hands
Make us courageous
Lord, make us courageous

We were made to be courageous
Lord, make us courageous