I am on edge about everything. Everything is agitating me, everything is unnerving me, and I really just want to be locked in a room for one full day all by myself. Quiet...peace...something. I don't really know what it is I am searching for. I have been non-stop thinking about this surgery since yesterday...it invades my sleep, my dreams, my thoughts...everything. I have had surgery plenty of times before, but none of them were nearly as invasive as this one. And, for every surgery I have ever had, I have always known someone who had the same surgery so they could relate to my fears and help ease them. I know everyone means well when they say everything is going to be okay, and I know that really that is all they know to say. But, I am still scared, nonetheless.
Everything has really been wearing me down. Much more than I realized. I am not one to dwell on things. I normally allow myself to feel the emotions that go along with a challenge and I make a plan, and I deal with it. But not this surgery. I am very organized, detail-oriented, everything has its place, everyone has a schedule in my household...but this surgery is weighing over my head like a ton of bricks and therefore; my whole household has been thrown off. How can I handle this? What can I do? What's the best way? Unfortunately, many of the challenges I am facing are completely out of my control, or the resolution is not easily obtained. And I hate that!
Yep, I have been having an extremely hard time coping lately. I am having a hard time even being...me. I look in the mirror and think, where are you? I know you are in there...somewhere! Come out already! After everything, all the medicine, all the symptoms, the fevers, the impending surgery; I feel broken. I want to run away. Broken is someplace I never wanted to be, but today, I can admit it to the world that I simply feel broken.
I blog about my fears, my happiness, my sadness, my pain...everything. I am completely honest with all of my readers. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that I am truly scared (terrified) that things will never get better. The fact that they may not, and now with the diagnosis of Emphysema on top of it all, is driving me absolutely crazy.
I know that it is not healthy for me to live in the future. I have been freaking out over what has been happening, and I have been building up all these stories in my mind about how my future might unfold. I cannot live in the future, no more than I can live in the past. The only place I can live is in the present. And today, more than ever, that has proven to be extremely difficult.
This blog has and will never be about the sunshine and roses part of chronic illness (is there such a thing?). I do talk about every part of my life. The good, the bad, and the very ugly parts are all revealed to my readers. I don't hide. I don't want people who are ill to think they have to hide.
This is my life, illness and all. Life is a gift, and I'll take mine the way it was given to me and I'll make the most of it. I'm learning how as I go.
If there is one thing I have learned in this past year it would be that nothing is permanent.
Everything changes.
Each moment is a moment.
It is not the past, or the next. It is not better or worse. It just IS.
It is the moment, and I can handle any moment. After all, it is just a moment.
It is the moment I have.
I will live in this moment.
I can never be in control.
Days like this...well the week I have had, makes me feel so useless. I don't know how to say it. I feel like I am alive...but not really living.
Breathe in...breathe out. I am stronger than this. I will not allow myself to fall apart completely. I just needed a good cry. And now I think I will get on my knees and have a long talk with God...because I know He is listening.
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