The Hourglass

   I often wonder if the sniffles predominating becomes true as one grows older. When you turn over an hourglass, the initial grains move slowly, but as the volume at the top decreases they flow faster and faster into the bottom chamber. That's how my losses feel now. My heart-rate has been so high for the past week (210 BPM today) which causes me to break out into a massive sweat and leaves me without energy. My fever has stayed at 102-104 the past two days. I can longer go outside and play basketball with my kids, or have a fun game of baseball like we used to do. Even taking my dog outside has become quite the challenge. I spend hours of every single day in complete silence. The losses keep coming and I cannot seem to stop them. I keep trying to hold on to things, but they just keep slipping through my hands. I feel like I am literally aging in fast forward, living my life in my bedroom watching movies, writing, and reading books. I feel a huge sense of accomplishment when I am able to sweep the floors or cook my family a meal. 
  But then, I turn on the news and see a mother whose child was murdered savagely. She has just lost her own only child and does not have a shred of hope of getting him back. "Shut up Shanna," I want to say to myself, "Yes, you are suffering but you have everything you need to endure it." I realize that there is not much point in self-flagellation but I don't want to lose sight of everything I have to be grateful for. And, yet, this is still not the life I want. It takes a lot of effort on my part to focus on the simple joyful moments that still happen every day. Kaitlyn's kisses good morning, Tristan sneaking in my room and cuddling with me, Damion constantly giving me a hard time because I'm short, Kevin always being here for me, my mom calling me every-day, and the amazing friends that I have that contact me daily. I try to be satisfied with all of my blessings. At times, these things seem like they are enough to keep me going. But, honestly, there are times when they are not. I am just so tired. I am tired of living in a bubble. I am tired of seeing a million doctors who all tell me different things. I am tired of being a proverbial pin-cushion just to find out that I have to start all over again. I am simply tired.
  I want so much more than this. I want my life back. I feel horribly guilty that being the mother to three amazing kids often does not feel like enough to continue suffering and fighting all of the time. Isn't a mother supposed to be willing to do anything for her kids? If that is true, then what kind of mother does that make me? The reality is that every mother is, first and foremost, a human being. That's all I am and all I can expect myself to be. I just hope that it is enough. So, I sniffle my way through my days and try to relish every moment of joy that presents itself in hopes that I can continue to be a part of my children's lives. 
  I was reading through the Bible tonight and while reading, I came across Mark 12: 41-44, which is about a poor widow who puts two copper coins in the treasury. Jesus tells the disciples, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all of the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put everything in-all she had to live on." I remembered it once I read it. As I sit here writing this I realize that I am a lot like that poor widow, I don't have much to give, but I give what I can, and that simply has to be enough.
  I thought that perhaps to try and figure out our place in the world, in the history of the world is like looking at one Polaroid photo and trying to construct an entire life form from that one picture. It's just not possible. And I don't think it's possible for us to know or even have an inkling of why we are here, individually or collectively. All we know is, we are are here for now. And that needs to be just enough to inspire us to be the best that we can be for each other and ourselves.