Cardio-Thoracic Surgeon Visit and Other Ramblings: I Am A Proverbial Pin Cushion

  I saw my Cardio-Thoracic Surgeon today. She is an amazing doctor (Dr. Chappell). She really made me feel a level of comfort that I had yet to feel with any of my other doctors. So, I found out that the doctors that had previously been treating me for my Vasculitits, did so hastily. They should have never had me on high dose chemo or steroids until AFTER I had an open-lung biopsy (Thoracotomy). The medicines that I was given completely screwed up my heart and now, my lymph nodes inside of my Pleural Cavity are also swollen (which could be caused by the Cyclophosphamide). In other words, my prior doctors have made things worse for me, health-wise. Here we go again...starting all over. The reason they should have never given me such high dose medication is because the only confirmed diagnosis I have is Wegener's Granulomatosis, but there is something else affecting my lungs, which should've been checked out first. My lungs are in really bad shape. And my heart-rate today was at 198 BPM. So, now I have to go see a Cardiologist. 
  I have to have another Cat Scan on my lungs and a Pulmonary Function Test this week before she schedules surgery. She has to know exactly where to go into my lungs. She will not go in blindly. My surgery should be within the next two weeks. Let me tell you a little about this particular surgery...because this surgery is absolutely terrifying. 
  During surgery, I will be lying on my side with one arm raised over my head (depending on which side they decide to go in on). Dr. Chappell will then make a cut between two ribs (they have to physically cut out a piece of my rib). The cut will go all the way from my chest wall to my back, passing just underneath my armpit and my ribs will be separated. Then the lung on the side she chooses to cut will be deflated so that air will not move in or out during surgery. Then, she will remove nodules, a piece of my lungs, and the swollen lymph nodes. Surgery will take approximately six hours. After surgery, drainage tubes will be placed in my chest area to drain the fluids out. The tubes will stay in for at least five days after surgery (this all depends on how fast my lungs re-inflate, and that there are no air leaks in my lungs). She told me this will be the most painful surgery I will ever have. I will spend two days in the ICU. The biopsy will only take a couple of days to get back, and then at some point (not sure if this will happen right after surgery), I will be transferred to another hospital where I can begin proper treatment, and start to live some sort of normalcy. 
   The moment we walked out of the doctor's office, Kevin lost it. He hit the wall outside of the doctor's office and just began crying. This is all starting to really take its toll on him, my mom, the kids, and me. And I want so badly to just take it all away from them...and for me. This surgery is risky and frightening on so many levels. But, I know that God is always looking out for me and that I will be just fine. After-all, I am too stubborn to go anywhere. 
   I have been sick with something all my life. I suppose I have spent some time in denial in the earlier stages of my disease when my symptoms interfered with my life in relatively small ways. Having three children was probably the greatest act of denial, and hope, possible under the circumstances. Denial served me well; it kept me from curling up in a ball and dying emotionally. Like most coping mechanisms, denial can be incredibly functional or detrimental; it's really a matter of balance. But now, I can no longer deny what is staring me straight in the face. I cannot run from this no matter how much I want to. I have to face this straight on...just like we all have to face our fears at some point...I have to face this one. 
   I am also angry! I am not angry at God for doing this to me, because He didn't give me this awful monster. I am angry at my previous doctors for hindering my health even further and putting my life at a greater risk than it already is. In fact, I have been stuck in this anger phase since my first encounter with a health care provider and the level of my anger on a daily basis is a pretty good gauge of how I recently interacted with this so called "system". So anger is a pretty good compartmentalized grief stage for me.
   So this leaves me with depression and acceptance and I just seem to ping-pong between the two constantly.
   I don't really care for the term "depression", I prefer "sadness", because that is what it feels like, a profound melancholy. There is a saying about a thousand miles beginning with a single step, but no one says anything about going from step 245 to 246 when you are bone tired and your destination remains completely out of site. I am just so overwhelmed and I feel like my heart weighs at least 100 pounds. 
   I'd like to get to stay in the acceptance stage in a Monopoly-like way "Go directly to acceptance. Do not pass through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. Do not collect $200." I want to be all Zen about this. I want to be some peaceful creature that walks through this process accepting each day as it comes; one step at a time, one bite of food at a time, one good night kiss at a time. I want to model peace for my children so they will be able to find it for themselves. I want everyone around me to feel like this is all okay, that we will all be okay.
   So, I am trying to accept that there will be bad days-physically and mentally-for the months to come. I hope that the bad days are fewer in number than the good days so that I have the strength to weather them. And, perhaps, I need to revisit the definition of a "bad day" so that I can learn to reclassify a somewhat okay day as a good one. 
  Proverbs 3:5-8
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes; 

fear the Lord and shun evil.

This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.