I hate lung cancer

My hospice team spoke with my oncologist, Dr. Orr today about all the symptoms I have been having snd the fact that that I am still not eating, He is concerned that my cancer has come back.In Baylor they did a head and back CT and found several lytic lesions on my spine that could in fact be metastatic. So, in March he will do another Pet Scan and a CT along with a bone scan.

As more time passes I fear I've become a very complex person with many different sides and I don't really know how to make any sense of who I am anymore. Writing about it seems like a good place to start and will give me something to look back on in the future. I seem to flit around like a butterfly, once I've settled on some sort of equilibrium along comes a gust of wind causing me to fly off on a tangent! I can remain unsettled for days and sometimes I am so lost with conflicting thoughts and feelings its hard to do normal day to day things.

I have this very positive upbeat side where I laugh and joke about many things including my illness, I've always had a naughty side and that hasn't changed. There is nothing better then laughing out loud and seeing the funny side of things at the most inappropriate times. I love a comedy that illustrates the funny side of normal life as well as the stupidity and slapstick of TV shows dreamt up by the likes of Keith Lemon. In fact it was one of Keith Lemon's shows that had me in tears of laughter for the first time since my diagnosis when watching TV at home between chemo cycles! My husband was so happy to see me laugh again, it had literally been weeks since I'd so much as smiled. 

I find myself switching between these personalities several times a day so it's no wonder I am emotionally exhausted most of the time. I have become very good at hiding behind my smile, at keep my tears at bay, at acting...I deserve an OSCAR so please don't hesitate with the nominations!

It can be very hard at times knowing which one is the real me...I'm not sure anymore, maybe I am all of them and maybe that is ok. I guess only time will tell. Am I the vulnerable, anxious shell of a person or the warrior who won't be brought down by anything? Am I the person grateful to be alive, totally in love with life and living it a breakneck speed or am I the angry, shell of a person, confused, struggling with fatigue and fighting to get back in control? I HAVE NO IDEA...

As many cancer fighters, survivors and people fighting other life threatening illnesses will know some comments, phrases or misguided efforts at making you feel better actually have the opposite effect. Some now aren't really applicable anymore, this is yet another 'after effect' of cancer...finding phrases and sayings either really resonate, make you want to scream or laugh at the irony.



One of these comments is the popular 'any of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow' ... While I really appreciate that this is meant in the most supportive and compassionate way it actually doesn't help and often leaves me feeling more alone. Before I wrote this I did speak to my fellow cancer friends about it to get a feel for whether or not I was being oversensitive. You see its actually not applicable to us now as we have been hit by that proverbial bus! There are other comments that are also unhelpful but I will write about them in a different post.


Someone used this phrase the other day and as I watched her walk away all I can think was...'don't you see I have been hit by that bus...don't you get it...it's alright for you because you are walking around thinking it will never happen to you...like I used to too. You have no idea that what you just said makes me want to scream 'It's not applicable to me anymore...can't you see I have been hit!'


Also this 'bus' is likely to come and hit me again...how many times have you heard of someone being hit by a bus twice? I live in fear of being hit again and am constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for its impact.

When offering words of comfort to someone whose been diagnosed by cancer perhaps think carefully before saying 'Of course any of us could be hit by a bus at any time.' Don't try to generalise it, to make it sound like it doesn't matter, it was inevitable anyway and that being so makes it ok that you've been hit by a life threatening, life changing disease.

So where did this phrase come from anyway?? Here's what I found out;

A generic rather than literal example of misfortune, verbal shorthand to indicate that none of us know our future, that a catastrophe is merely an involuntary act of fate. Casually used to refer to an unexpected death, illness, debilitating injury yet without making it seem grim.

According to Wikipedia it was first used in the novel 'The Secret Agent' by Joseph Conrad; "But just try to understand that it was a pure accident; as much as if he had been run over by a bus while crossing the street."

This term is also used a lot in business management meaning that there must always be a contingency plan in case someone in the team is taken ill, leaves, 

etc unexpectedly. And the definition from the newly popular Urban Dictionary is 'Used instead of the word Stupid' For example; 'OMG this mobile is so getting hit by a bus.' when said mobile isn't working properly.

Love You all and truly mean it and God loves you too,

Me xoxo

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