Mama I Love You

For my new readers and for my old, I am going to give you some background information into my world of idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis and stage IV lung cancer. Kind of a starting place for those of you just joining my blogging adventure.

I've recounted these events several times in the past week since getting the news that my cancer has grown and spread (it is now in my lymph nodes and possibly in my colon...ugh). In fact, I'm relieved to commit it to 'paper' and direct all future inquires to this website. Though I am not sure my readers know they can follow me here and even comment here yet or not since I only have one follower (sad face). WARNING: This post contains an obnoxious amount of detail.

• My throat started to swell to the point where I could no longer speak sometime in February of 2014.
• My mom became so worried that she rushed me to the hospital because my fever was really high. They thought I had an abscess in my throat and did a CT. Turns out there was no abscess and they sent me home...with nothing.
• I made an appointment with my primary care physician who thought I had a bacterial infection but because my lymph nodes were swollen in my throat he made a referral to an ENT just to be on the safe side.
• March of 2014, I still could not talk and my throat was still swollen. I saw my ENT who looked down my throat with a scope. He did a CT of my sinuses and neck and find tons of polyps but nothing else to explain this bizarre phenomenon. 
• It finally went away on its own in April of 2014 and I thought everything was fine.
• In August of 2014, I was sitting at my desk and all of sudden my throat closed off again. This time I was determined to get answers.
• I went back to my ENT who then sent me to an infectious disease doctor since once again he could not figure out the puzzle.
• She did a plethora of blood tests, and though I did not have an infectious disease, my P-ANCA was high along with my C-ANCA so she wanted me to see a rheumatologist and a nephrologist. 
• My insurance did not cover a rheumatologist so I saw Dr. Ruiz (my nephrologist) instead. He is amazing by the way. My kidney function was way down at this point, which lead him to believe that I had Wegener's Granulomatosis. 
• I began getting chemo treatments and dialysis for the Wegener's disease and found this to be very hard for my body to take.
• I wound up in the hospital in Sherman in March because I began coughing up blood at a treatment. I had a CT done of my chest and had a pulmonologist come and speak with me. He told me I had tons of nodules on my lungs that were probably no big deal and related to the Wegeners. He started me on steroids.
• In June of 2015, my nephrologist wanted to get a tissue biopsy to clarify that I indeed had Wegeners disease....and because my kidneys were now healthy enough, he suggested we biopsy my lungs.
• I met with Dr. Chappel who was very thorough in her description of an open lung thoracotomy. She told me it would be the most painful surgery I would ever endure (she wasn't lying either).
• In August, I had a Pulmonary Function Test which I failed miserably...and then went back to schedule my surgery with Dr. Chappel.
• Surgery was scheduled for September 22, 2015 and I was already scared I would never see my children again....but not one time did I think they would find cancer. Not once. And neither did the doctors. 
• It was on the third day after surgery that a different surgeon came to visit me. It was one of the few times I was alone without my family around. I looked at him and he said, "There is no easy way to tell you this, but you have lung cancer. We got the results back from the Mayo Clinic and you have Adenocarinoma of the Lung." My family knew the day of surgery and didn't want to tell me until I was stable enough to take it all in. I screamed. I cried. They had to give me Adavan to calm me down. I wanted to hit something. How could a 35 year old mother of three have lung cancer? Why? And of course you probably think this is the worst news I can get, right?......nope
• It wouldn't be until December of 2015 that I would learn that I have idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis and have had it since March of 2014. Dr. Chiu from UT Southwestern had pulled all of my previous Cat Scans and caught my IPF and exactly when it started. IPF is truly a death sentence. Most people do not live past three years and I have already had it for one. IPF starts off as a really terrible bacterial infection. 

And let me bring you to today....last week, my oncologist called because she received my most recent scans. My cancer has grown in my lungs and spread to my lymph nodes, and she is worried that it has also spread to my colon. She told me not to worry or freak out (yeah right) because she was going to take great care of me. To be honest, I am terrified. 

I'm not always going to be able to be the cheerleader. This journey, though it started six months ago, is just beginning and there will be good days and bad. My loved ones will want to provide encouraging words at every bend in the road. But please understand that there are times when I am solemn, and that's okay. I will share some things because I need to be heard and supported- not because I need someone to 'fix it'. I honestly appreciate your understanding. 

To this point, if you are looking for me on Facebook, kindly just give up now. The term 'friend' is very dear to me and not to be tossed about and assigned to just any person I meet. I also don't want to feel obligated to document myself as the 'friend' of an individual which I would consider an acquaintance. And I am sure those of you with hundreds of Facebook friends are very happy to have a Rolodex complete with everyone you have ever met. That's cool- it's just not for me. 

Here are two other factors which contribute to my failure to "keep in touch":

• I tend to be very pragmatic. Subconscious thought: If I don't have information worth sharing, why would I call? And in turn, I expect that if my friends have information to share with me, they would call. This doesn't mean I don't like to talk to my friends otherwise. I'm simply sharing why my brain doesn't initiate communication more frequently.
• Self-confidence also plays a role in this. Subconscious thought: Why would someone be interested in what I have to say? This is the precise reason why I am a great candidate for a blog. You may have chosen whether or not you want to invest your time in reading what I have to say. I am not forcing myself on you, and I don't have to worry about you not being interested. 

I hope this helps my friends understand that I am not some sort of only-call-when-I-have-cancer person. I am a friend who loves you but has trouble keeping in touch.

I have no way of knowing whether I will live one year or ten or more. Neither do you, of course; but between the two of us, I bet I’m more acutely aware.

Everyone wants me to focus on living as long as possible. It’s an easy concept, sounds great, and quite frankly, somewhere along the way, our species got VERY preoccupied with the concept of time. But is that the right goal? I prefer to say that I want to live with a high quality-of-life. And yes, I would like as many of those years as possible.

In the past week, though, I’ve defined a happy medium between the optimists and myself, the eternal realist. I want to be around as long as my mom is. The thought of her losing me is much more upsetting than the thought of my own death. This isn’t to say that my other loved ones wouldn’t be devastated. Nor is it to discount their love for me and mine for them! But without me, the world will eventually move on for everyone else, except my mom. (Please understand that I’m only being practical, and I don’t mean to upset you or elicit any “my life would never be the same without you” remarks.)

The dynamics of interpersonal relationships have fascinated me since my early teenage years. I’ve read both classic and modern authors, focused on the individual versus group behaviors, and ventured professionally into the study of organizational dynamics. While our species doesn’t enthrall me, the way we behave certainly does. Specifically, I enjoy seeing the emotional and intellectual ecosystems we weave for ourselves each day merely by interacting with each other.

For all that I’ve studied though, nothing compares with the wonderful relationship I have with my mom. I choose her title carefully for each audience:
Mother: I never use this word for her. Somewhere along the way (yes, I know where) the word gained a negative tone when used as a person’s title.
Mom: This is my go-to term for general purposes. It says, ‘yes, I’m an adult and no, I won’t take my own spawning too seriously.’ This is also what I yell if I need to get her attention. But it’s not her primary name.
Mommy/Momma: An affectionate term used when speaking of her to my best friends, but rarely to her directly. The use of it with them, however, is quite significant – as you will see.

So why should one care so much about this naming convention? Because it is a hallmark of our relationship. It says that this is different, and biological terminology cannot define our bond.

Alas, I can only be so sentimental and sappy in small sittings. My goal was to introduce you to my mom not as a person, but instead to the place she holds in my heart. Thanks for letting me get all gushy and whatnot!

Love you all and truly mean it...and God loves you too, 

Shanna xoxoxo

LUNGevity National Hope Summit: I'm participating in an event to raise money to fight lung cancer—and I need your help!
I'm planning to attend LUNGevity Foundation's National HOPE Summit in Washington, DC, in May - it's a special conference just for lung cancer survivors like me. If I can raise $1000 or more in donations, LUNGevity will cover my travel expenses, including US round-trip transportation and hotel accommodations.
Proceeds from this fundraiser will benefit LUNGevity Foundation, the leading private provider of research funding for lung cancer. LUNGevity Foundation is firmly committed to making an immediate impact on increasing quality of life and survivorship of people with lung cancer by accelerating research into early detection and more effective treatments, as well as providing community, support, and education for all those affected by the disease.
Please join me in my efforts to stop lung cancer—the leading cancer killer—now!
http://lungevity.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=15728
Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna

Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness

My Go Fund Me Page (any and all donations will help with my medical funds)gofundme.com/hope4shanna2016