I went to the ER here because we simply didn't have the time or money to drive to Sherman. They took two views of my Chest via Chest X-Ray and called the on call oncologist. Together, my ER doctor and the Oncologist told me that they saw the cancer on my ribs and that my lungs are covered in cancer. Here is the X-Ray.
Needless to say, today was a very emotional day. My mom and I argued, and then cried together. The cancer is really taking a toll on the both of us the most. We don't know how to react to this one. This is a whole new ball game for us because the reality of it is, "It" is going to kill me. And no, right now, I don't know how long I have. But, my mom and I talked and it is time for me to really get my affairs in order.
I have my entire memorial service planned out, what I want to do with the kids, the fact that I want to be cremated (it is cheaper), and even the songs I want played at memorial service. I don't mean to be morbid here, but this is the reality of "It".
Will I see my children grow up? I don't know, but I do know I am going to fight like hell to ensure it happens. In my mind, they cannot live without me. And ya see, God doesn't give you more than you can handle. My babies, my husband, my mom, and my dad cannot handle losing me. So, that is the one thing that keeps me going. I am needed here.
I decided today that I am no longer going to complain (as in, I'm over it). So, I have been giving a lot of thought as to where a complaint ends and an explanation begins. If that makes any sense at all.
Let me explain.
One definition of complaint is: "a statement that a situation is unsatisfactory or unacceptable."
This has been a difficult (scratch that, sounds a little complaint-ish)- this has been a challenging year. I took in two foster boys at the beginning of last year and had hoped to make a difference in their lives. My illness stopped me from being able to continue to raise five children, so the youngest went back in the system and the oldest moved in with his mother. And to say that I don't miss them from time to time would be a lie. Then, since August, I have been told I had an autoimmune disorder. It was named in January. They called it Wegener's Granulomatosis. And I was given chemo and high doses of Prednisone before they EVER biopsied the nodules in my lungs. They finally decided their only way of getting a true diagnosis of Wegener's (after having already having me on chemo) was a lung biopsy. Skip to September 22, 2015...I finally had my open lung thoracotomy, which I was terrified of for 2 months. Little did I know, I had a reason.
The doctor came out and told my husband and my mother that it looked like cancer...and it was confirmed when I was alone in the hospital. I complained of learning about my cancer alone, but, in reality, a nurse was there that hugged me and just let me cry it out.So complaining is out of the question.
My father came to visit me this weekend and all in all we had a great visit. We even had our own cry it out session today. He brought his big RV Bus and the kids got to start it. They thought that was a really really big deal. It put a smile on their faces at the very least. Then I handed Damion the keys to drive us home (to which he looked shocked and in a stage of disbelief). We managed to make it home safely and again, I got to see a smile on his face. That is what I am living for.
I am living for those out of the blue beautiful smiles from my children. I live for the nights daddy has to work and we have a little slumber party in my room. I live for game nights with Damion and Caleb (he is my new project....he works and helps pay his way) play board games when the little ones go to sleep. I just love being a mommy and God just cannot take that away from me right now.
Though I was just diagnosed with cancer in September, my lung cancer has been living in my body for God only knows how long. Wrap your head around that. Remember, I lost one whole year thinking this was autoimmune, not cancer. During this time, I have been to the edge of possibility and back again, a looping cycle of dying, hope, disappointment, loss, more hope, and a whole lot of living mixed in.
Pardon my language here, but cancer can be a real mind fuck.
When I was first diagnosed, I thought, "Why me, God". "I have three children I have to raise." But the real question should be, "Why not me?". He told us we would have trouble in this life, but not to worry, for He has overcome.
My mom bought me some inspirational books to read which have helped me out so much in this journey. I want so bad to know God's plan for my life though. I want the doctor's to get on the same page and start treating me like yesterday. I also started blogging in an effort to not cry so much, but yeah, that has not really happened, either.
I know I may not have much time left on this Earth, but I am grateful for the time I have been given. Knowing that is a gift in and of itself. You see, I could get in an accident tomorrow and not survive. Thank God that hasn't happened, but what I am trying to say is that at some point, we are all going to die. That is the cycle of life. I was given a warning, not the ticket.
So what good has come out of this? My youngest two know that dying in this life is only the beginning to eternal life. All three of them know that it will be hard, but they also know (well my little two know) that the ones that go before us are in a better place with no suffering, or tears (which I am doing right now), or pain.
I have been certainly bless this year too. I have a whole community praying for me, my best friends have found a biker group that is providing Christmas for my family, and they are all hosting my fundraiser...also, they are getting me my very first real Christmas Tree. The Lord and perfect strangers have blessed me in so many different ways. I could not be more grateful. And my mom, my mom and step-dad have sacrificed a lot just to be there for me through out this whole process. Then, there is Kevin who is a pretty great husband and caregiver. He has held it together pretty well so far.
I didn't realize I could give anything back for all the kindness that has been shown to me, but I do. It may not be monetary, but it is spiritual. To all of you who have helped me this year, thank you for helping me breathe a little better and thank you for letting me just have this time to focus on my children and my family. I don't think I could ever put into words the gratitude I have. Owen...you know what I am talking about. I love each and every one of you dearly. You've all brought me closer to Him once again. When I was down, He has lifted me up through all of you. God bless each of you.
Matthew 14:31
Immediately Jesus reached out and caught him. "You of little faith", he said, "why did you doubt?"
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