So, I have something called Ventricular Tachycardia and fluid around my heart called Pericardial Effusion. I am just a broken mess. The fluid around my heart, though rare, is seen in Vasculitis patients. Of course it is rare. I wouldn't have it any other way. The VT causes my heart to beat at rapid rates and drop rapidly which could turn into Ventricular Fibrillation. My Cardiologist will be present during my surgery (which is in just seven days). Now that I know my heart is truly being affected, I am even more afraid of the surgery. I know that I am in good hands, but when you find out that your heart is not in great shape, it tends to scare you. Ya know, because we cannot live without a heart and all.
As I laid there and watched my heart rate fluctuate from 172 back to 107, I realized why I am always so tired. It is like I am constantly exercising even when I am immobile. Anytime that I feel my heart being rapidly and it causes symptoms (such as sweating, dizziness, vomiting), I have to go to the Emergency Room because I could be going into VF. VF is fatal. More great news, right? Every single time I go to the doctor, I prepare for bad news...because that is all I seem to get and have had for a year.
In the midst of all this chaos, I feel like I am drowning at times. I just need to come up for air. The last two weeks have been busy and full of appointments. Getting ready for surgery and making sure my heart is healthy enough to undergo surgery has been so very stressful. It has truly been a blur.
As I sit here writing this, I have tears streaming down my face. I am honestly so overwhelmed. I have a massive knot in the pit of my stomach. I am 35 and my body is killing me, and yes, I know, I am supposed to focus on the positive, but the tears have to come in order for me to find the joy behind them. I hope that makes sense.
On the outside, I am pretty sure I look pretty put together, but on the inside, I am dying. I just want this to be over. I want to be well. I want so badly to have the me back that I had last year. Where did that girl go? It all happened so quickly. One day I was able to play with my kids, work, run, play basketball...and then BAM! That was over in a flash.
I feel like for every step forward, I am always having to take a step back. So, I allowed myself to cry a little bit today, including while I am writing this blog. And of course with crying comes some form of grieving. I have so many battles ahead of me and though they are all quite terrifying and overwhelming, I know I will overcome them all. I will be strengthened knowing that my God is a warrior and I am not alone. I will be strengthened by the unfailing love and support of my wonderful mother, step-dad, and amazing husband. I will be strengthened by the beautiful smiles and laughter of my three perfect children. I will be strengthened by every word of encouragement I receive. Terminal or not, I will continue to fight the good fight. I will continue to be brave...because tears are not a sign of weakness. Tears are a sign of humanity. Thank you God for allowing me to see the positives in spite of my illnesses. Thank you for allowing me to have one more day with my family.
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