It's true that pain changes people. Not everyone knows this, not everyone sees this truth. Pain makes you let go of things you'd rather be doing. Sometimes its okay that the only thing you did today was breathe. Pain changes you, but it also makes you stronger. Well, KB has had an up close and personal view of all the ways that pain has changed me...and he has seen his fair share of unpleasant, undesirable, and uncomfortable things in the 15 years we have known each other.
I'm less frequently my cheerful self when my pain, fatigue, and sleep-deprivation are at high levels. I need more help now and KB is the one who is always here to help me. As much as I plan, pace, schedule, restructure activities and rest, my ability to participate in life's activities, from mundane daily chores to fun special events, is highly unpredictable. I am surprised that KB doesn't get irritated with me, or rather my chronic illnesses, sometimes.
My chronic illnesses don't just effect me physically; chronic illness affects my concentration and memory as well. Brain fog, as they call it, makes me forgetful, even when he just told me something...I have already forgotten it. Try asking for help when all of a sudden you can't remember the word for the object you need your spouse to bring you!
If I fall apart, physically, mentally, or emotionally, it is KB who is usually there to witness it. If I have a bad day, it impacts him the most. If I am in a really bad mood, he's most likely to get caught up in it. If I can't do something, he's the one that will have to do it instead.
I try to always be polite when asking for his help and grateful for the things KB does for me. I try to tell him thank you frequently. I've learned to take a "time out" and retreat from his presence if I am really out-of-sorts. And I take the time to explain what is going on with me, often multiple times, until he really seems to understand. Between explanations and witnessing my behavior over the past year, I think he now really knows what is up with me- sometimes better than I do!
One thing I have needed his help with over the past several years is his help driving me to doctor's appointments. I have to say going to my appointments and being in the examination room with me has really been an education for him! He is now very annoyed that all the doctors that I see can't put his Angelbaby back together. And this surgery, is scaring him more than it is me. I hate that for him..
The truth is, I would love more than anything to just get well. Or just get Zen enough to rise above my problems to a place where they don't touch me. Even a brief vacation from my troubles would be nice. Too bad none of these things are truly possible.
So I muddle through and do the best I can do, which I know really sounds cliche' , but then really what other choice do I have if I want to still get some good things out of our life?
Today, I married my best friend again. Today, I accomplished something huge. Today, I became a wife. In one week from tomorrow will be my surgery, and my life will be altered...but I am not going to think about that tonight. Tonight I am going to thank God for my KB and celebrate our marriage. Because God always knows what is best for me and the kids.
Always seek happiness. Always seek love. Always find one positive every single day to cherish. It is that positive that will keep you from sinking.
I am married and that is my positive <3.
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