Being Hopeful

It's been a rough but good week. I started teaching the kids this week. Kasey helps me teach Home Economics and Bible, and Kourtney teaches the kids Drawing Professionally and P.E. I teach all of the rest of the subjects. I have pushed myself extremely hard this week. I have had over 100 seizures this week, but somehow have managed to push myself to teach. 

This is a complex post, so please read to the end to make sure you get the whole story. It's actually an encouraging one, so bear with me as I explain. I am in for a journey, but I promise it's not a bleak one.

My oncologist and my hospice doctor both believe I have brain METS from the Cat Scan I had done last week. So the results? As 99% expected (the cancer has spread into my brain). Which is why I continually have seizures.

I keep hoping someone can fix me, even hospice. I still have not got the concept that hospice means end of life care. 

So, you may think this is a bad thing (and I suppose METS are never a good thing) but there are major factors that distinguish my case from nearly ever other case of metastatic cancer on the planet. Normally by the time you get brain METS, you're riddled with cancer elsewhere, so it's often perceived as a sign of the end, but I refuse to accept this as the end. I do have cancer in my cervix, brain and both lungs...and I am on hospice, but I have to keep fighting the good fight.

I have taken a radically different approach to this scourge of a disease, characterized by lots of hands-on, practical, research-based intervention and management. I have not been idle.

Usually brain lesions are inoperable, due to the complex architecture of the brain, and cannot be removed. So managing them becomes an issue of trying to irradate them into submission and hoping they do not grow. And due to my pulmonary fibrosis and other health issues, they will always be there. I still refuse to allow this to get in my way. 

We have become savvy, adept, well-informed, our inexhaustable research skills, our faith in God, and our overwhelming desire to beat this disease and to live many more years of productive life. Oh, and don't forget a big both of tenacity on both of our parts. My husband is a formidable opponent to this foe we both face.

Take heart. Despite what the charlatans claim, the reputable medical community is devoting nearly limitless brainpower and resources to this fight, and brilliant researchers are making life-saving breakthroughs every day. If there is a trial that will save my life, by the Lord's grace I will find it, and I plan to be with you for many, many healthy years to come.

There really are days when I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting to die. If I was more active - if I could be more active I should say - I might not feel this way. But my physical condition limits me so much that I do a lot of sitting around. I have to be very careful with physical activity due to the deterioration of the bones in my back and even when I do exert myself, I end up out of breath and have to hook myself up to the oxygen tank. So I do sit around and I can't help but think about the time I have left and feel somewhat morose about the fact that I can't do more.

Thankfully, I can write and, thankfully I have you dear readers who find something informative and helpful in what I write. That is truly a gift! And I thank you for your side of the bargain. So bear with me while I wander a bit today. Maybe get a little repetitive. Just to get a few things off my chest.

I really try to feel good each day, to keep a smile on my face - a stiff upper lip. It's not that I'm pretending to be well. In fact, when people tell me how good I look, I assure them that it's all on the outside. The bad stuff is what's going on inside of me. But I want to feel good and try to convince myself that I am. When I'm successful at it, I can almost feel like I'm into some kind of long-term remission, even though I know how unlikely that is with a growing, untreated cancer. But I wonder if this is some kind of denial? Wishful thinking? An attempt to put a pretty face on a not-so-pretty situation? Perhaps. Does it make me feel better? Maybe. Sometimes. But then it always comes back to something that reminds me just how sick I am and what my prognosis is. So I may feel better in the short term but, over time, it wears on me and I start to feel worse about things. It becomes harder and harder to feel good each and every day. So maybe it's just not possible. And it's ironic, but the more accepting I become of death and the fact that I am going to die, the more anxious I get about what is happening to me and perhaps it is that anxiety that gets in the way. So a good part of my life now is avoiding anxiety producing situations. The calmer I can make things, the better able I am to enjoy the day.

The other side of this coin is the guilt that I feel about not being able to be the constructive member of society (and, more importantly, my family) that I used to be. I just can't do many of the common day-to-day things that I took for granted before (like cutting the grass, taking out the garbage, etc.), that made me feel normal. I don't get up in the morning and go to work to earn a living any more. Perhaps it's more understandable to think in terms of feeling useless rather than guilty. Even though I know it's the cancer that's created this new situation and not me, I still feel a twisted sense of personal guilt that can turn a good day into a bad day.

And when I'm gone, how will I be remembered? Will I be that morose woman who dropped out of life when she took medical leave? Will I simply be Kevin's wife who passed away? Or will I be remembered as someone who made the most of her situation, maybe not every day but overall? I sure hope it's the latter, but who knows. Maybe I won't even care once I've made the transition to the other side (whatever that might be) but I think it will matter to Kevin and the kids who have loved me for all that I am and who works so hard to make sure that I can be happy every day. For ultimately, they are the only ones I care most about. He is the one who will keep my memory alive longer and stronger than anyone. And he is the one, today, who needs me to be happy because it impacts his own happiness as well. We are in this together, after all.

Love you all and truly mean it and God loves you too,

Shanna xoxo

Here is the link to our Go Fund Me Page to help with medical and travel expenses: gofund.me/hope4shanna2016

Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness 

Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna