Well, I had a wonderful birthday. I received an awesome birthday gift from an amazing lady, Jane Menefee Jones. Then, I saw two of my best friends as well. Kasey brought me two great gifts, and Kourtney helped pay for dinner for my son. I made it to my 36th birthday! But, sadly two days later, I find myself writing you from the hospital.
All weekend, I was having multiple seizures and feeling generally ill. My stats were off the grid. My O2 stats were low and my heart rhythm was way too high. So, on Father's Day, my husband really is an amazing man, Kevin drove me to Denison where I was admitted into TMC for an extreme exacerbation of my Pulmonary Fibrosis.Hopefully, I will get out of here before my big birthday party. Tomorrow, I will more than likely be having a bronchoscopy, so they can try and remove one of the tumors and biopsy them.
You all know that I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces -- my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope. These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined. The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It's called being human. But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful. It isn't possible to put into words the love and gratitude I feel towards everyone who has and continues to support and inspire me every day. To you I simply say: you know.
I was never the popular girl back in high school, with designer jeans and perfectly ironed hair. I was the quiet reader, always on the outside, and that was fine by me. So, I found it ironic that I got the unpopular cancer, with its branded line and white logo.
Because women with invasive cancer never know they are cured until they die of something else, we have to learn how to handle the uncertainty this disease can bring. We all have a tendency to think that a bruise is a sign of impending doom.
For most of us, our initial treatment will be all we ever need. Unfortunately, a certain percentage will face the disease again, either with a local recurrence or a metastatic one. A diagnosis of lung cancer means you must live with the sword of Damocles hanging over you. It may be swaying very high up, but it's forever there. And, even a smaller percentage, like myself, will never get treatment.
For well over three weeks, I have had a burning, aching pain in my lower left side/back that never goes away. It radiates down into my butt/hip. It may be spinal or it may be my hip bone or it may be muscle. Because that bone pain is pretty diffuse and this is specific and one-sided. Pain medicine only helps briefly and then it comes back.
Naturally, the thought crossed my mind that the cancer has spread to my spine or hip.
I know that not all pain is metastatic, but it scares me nonetheless. I have not had a PET scan since October and the doctors here think I should go back to Dallas for my oncology and pulmonary oncology. My current oncologist is really nice, but always has the same answer, "We will just have to wait and see." I am sorry to burst your bubble, but I am not a woman who can afford to wait. I have three kids depending on my to be here for as long as I possibly can. So, waiting and seeing is not an option.
A lot of cancer patients institute the "two week rule" for contacting doctors. We know we are over-sensitive to aches and pains, and that our minds automatically run to disease progression. We also know we are normal people who get normal pains.
The worst part of a cancer diagnosis is the uncertainty, and the worst part of the uncertainty is at the beginning. You are facing an illness that can take your life. You are facing medical procedures that are unknown and pretty damn scary. You may be facing the loss of a body part or two, or even three, counting hair. You don't know what any of this is like: how you'll feel, how you'll react, how your family will deal with it. All you may know is what you've seen in the movies or on TV. You likely will have many sleepless nights, and be on an information hunt/overload for weeks, if not months - all to try to know what will happen to you - to see into the future.
At some point though, you will come to terms with the fact that knowing the future is impossible, and living with the day you have is all you can do. You will find peace in that.
I also think back on the support of so many- finding surprise cards or stuffed animals in my mailbox, having great friends come clean your house, having an amazing friend bring you dinner, having another amazing friend visit you in the hospital and bring you an Easter Basket. For all the people whom I have not met and who have donated to our Go-Fund me....honestly, we could not have made it this far without all of you.
Thinking of heartwarming events like that, take away any exhaustion you may feel at the moment.
There is a lot of controversy about having a positive attitude. A positive attitude will not change the course of your disease, nor will it cure you, nor should you feel required to put one on all of the time. Someone asked me if a pessimist can beat the disease, and the answer is yes. It's medical science that cures cancer, not attitude.
However, if you can learn to see the positives, the humor, the blessings even, that come from this disease, than your treatment course will be easier on you. I believe that without a doubt. Some of the treatment won't be fun. Some may have long-lasting side effects. But, life goes on, and you have yours. Dwelling on the negatives, overlooking the good things, is, in my opinion, wasting your new life.
A diagnosis of cancer will change you. It may always be in the back of your mind, and yes, nervousness and fear will again pop-up around testing times, but you will learn to manage it and eventually take it in stride.
And, here's the thing: it's up to you whether cancer changes you for the better or not. It's entirely in your control. You can't alter the fact that you have the disease, but you can choose how you react to it.
I want to tell you that I'm very sorry that you have to go through this. But, as horrible as it seems now, it will bring blessings to your life that you never expected. My advice? Look for them, even if it seems impossible.
Especially if it seems impossible.
Because, they are there.
Love you all and truly mean it and God loves you too,
Shanna xoxo
Here is the link to our Go Fund Me Page to help with medical and travel expenses: gofund.me/hope4shanna2016
Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness
Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna
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