Then, my home health nurse came and said I needed to go to the emergency room because she could not hear any breath sounds on my left side and heard a ton of wheezing on my right. Although I already knew what this meant, I went anyway to appease her. What it means is that my pulmonary fibrosis is worse on the left side and she is hearing the crackling from my pf on the right. So, we drive to Gainesville's ER which has a three hour wait. Then we drive all the way to Muenster which is a joke. My back has been killing me from the bone metastasis which I tell them upon arrival. I wait for five hours and am handed a tramadol. Is this a joke? Do you normally give cancer patients a glorified ibuprofen for pain? My advice, if you live in this area, never go to Muenster for care. There is no so thing.
I saw my physical therapist twice this week and have lost four more pounds! Go me! I am loving being able to move a little more than I have in the past few months. It really makes me feel more like myself until after she leaves and I realize just how exhausted my body actually is. I end up taking at least a four hour nap. I feel like such a wimp afterwards, but when she is here I feel like I am on cloud nine. I hope that makes some sense.
I know I may not have much time left on this Earth and I have learned that knowing that is actually a gift in itself. Heaven is going to be so amazing. You see, I could get into an accident tomorrow and not survive. I was given a warning, not the ticket.
So what good has come out of all of this? My children know that dying in this life is only the beginning of our eternal life. They know and understand it will be hard, but they also know that the ones that go before us are in a better place with no suffering, or tears, or pain.
I have began writing more about my God into my blogs that are actually followed and read by people all over the world. God is who is keeping me alive and allowing me more time with my precious angels right now. I would not be here if it weren't for Him and His amazing blessings.
I didn't realize I had anything to give back, but I do. It may not be monetary, but it can be spiritually and inspirational. I had no idea how I was going to make it financially anymore. I tried not to worry because I'm still here, but my expenses were outweighing my income. Then at the last possible minute, I got approved for my social security. That is the power of Christ.
Cancer sucks. Everyone knows this, but not everyone knows what it is like to live with it. You try to base decisions for your future thinking everything will be okay. Really, whether you admit it or not, you don't know how far to plan. Do you plan for 10 years, 5 years, 1 year, 1 month? Of course, this should be how everyone thinks, but we all know it's not. Until you're faced with something that wants to kill you everyday, do you really have any idea what it feels like? And is every little ache and pain more cancer? This is how I think now. This is how I will think forever.
I know the statistics are ever changing, and to not look at them. It's so hard not too. Stage 4 cancer is stage 4 cancer, and idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis, is idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. You're odds are slim to none....more on the none side. Lung is the largest killer, and IPF requires a lung transplant in order to have "more time" which I do not qualify for...so I am not going to survive this. That is the honest to God truth. I can pray. I can beg. But, all God can do is give me more time, and for that, I am truly thankful.
I've been making a mental list of things that I've developed an absolute enmity for...and I've decided to put them down to share. Everyone is different, but if you're my friend, here is how I feel.
1. Please don't tell me everything will be okay. Because the only one that really knows if everything will be okay is God. I have Stage 4 NSCLC. The 5 year survival rate is very low. I understand that cancer breakthroughs are happening every day. Most days I believe everything will be okay. But, some days, I just want to lay around and watch the ID channel so I can feel better about my "maybe" untimely demise. Because, the people on that channel have it worse than me. At least I get to make things as right as possible in my life, which is a very sick way to think...but I thank God for not going out the way some of those people do. I feel bad for them!
2. Please don't tell me the cure is to be positive. Attitude is NOT everything. This way of thinking makes those that are truly dying feel as if it is their own fault. They weren't "positive" enough. Someone commented on my blog about this earlier, I loved their rant. I've known plenty of people who truly believed they would beat this, and they didn't. Just say, "This sucks" and leave it at that. Because, in reality, it does suck. I'm all about being positive, but there is a big difference between living in a positive la la land and reality. It's important to be realistic too.
3. Please don't say "My friend beat Breast Cancer, if they can do it, so can you." Not sure where you got your medical degree, but lung cancer and breast cancer are totally different beasts. All people react differently to treatment for cancer. I don't like being compared to anyone else with cancer when it comes to survival, because I'm different. It can go either way, but not all cancers are the same. Please remember, NOT ALL CANCERS ARE THE SAME, NEITHER ARE THE PEOPLE THAT FIGHT THEM.
4. Please don't ask if I smoked. Seriously? I may get arrested for decking the next person that asks me that after I tell them my diagnosis. I know it's not their fault, it's our media and lovely cancer society that has driven this stigma into the minds of our society. Maybe that's why I don't go around hitting people. We need so much education in this country. Not just for cancer, but for so much more...
Here are some things to remember about my situation:
1. Be Patient and Forgive Me. I have so much on my mind. I'm forgetful, I forget whole conversations sometimes. I also get angry sometimes. Who wouldn't? It's not necessarily at you, but you just happen to be there. I may look fine most days, but my hair is breaking off, I'm doing everything I can to look normal outwardly, but sometimes suffering immensely on the inside. I know my life will never be the same and I'm still accepting this new normal. So, if I lash out at you or forget a conversation we had 5 minutes ago, please forgive me, because I would do the same for you. I'm on so many medications that effect my short term memory, it's not that I'm not paying attention or don't care or even angry at you. It's just a side effect of this "normal" I'm living. I guess that's how I'm figuring out who my true friends are these days. They are patient and they forgive quickly. The ones that can't do this, well, I'm sure they will be just fine without me in their life....because to me, they're already gone.
2. Silence and Presence are Golden. Some of my best friends know me very well. They are the ones that were there for me from the beginning and they knew just what to do. Just be there. I don't want to talk when I'm depressed. I also don't want to be alone . Anything that takes my mind off of the diagnosis and makes me laugh or just not think about it.
3. It's Never Over. This fight will never be over, unless someone stumbles upon a cure for lung cancer. It's all about trying to treat and control it and most importantly, live with it. Please remember when I'm so tired and I don't feel like getting out of bed, I'm not being lazy. I am doing what I can. There are days this happens (like today). It usually occurs on Mondays and Tuesdays. I also sleep more, 10 hours a night at least...and maybe a nap here and there. Yet, some days I wake up ready to take on the world. I can't predict those days, so once again, forgive me if I flake out early or don't do anything at all. I do reserve my energy to fulfill my promises to my kiddos. They take precedence over others, which is probably why I stay in bed Mondays and sometimes Tuesdays, I have them to take on so I can teach!
4. Please Tell Me About Your Problems. Just because I have this going on doesn't mean I'm not your friend. I'm here for you. I want to know about what's going on in your life because I care. The ups and downs. If you want to call and complain about your boss, I'm good with that! Your kids, your health, you need advice, anything. You don't have to feel like you're stressing me out when you vent to me....just don't make me get involved and we are good!
That's about all for now. I'm sure I left some things out because after all....I forget everything these days!
And don't feel sorry for me....just pray for me. I'm a big believer in the power of prayer. Thank you all for reading my point of view. Maybe it will help you deal with me or others with cancer or maybe you all will think I've lost it and totally disagree..I'm okay with either. I'll probably forget I wrote this in an hour anyways.
Love you all and truly mean it....and God loves you too,
Shanna xoxo
Ephesians 5:15-16
Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.
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