Life Throws Us Curve Balls

Remember me pretty, 
Remember me whole.

Remember me the way I am today,
While friends still honestly say, "You'd never know."

Let me tell you,
It's not what it looks like
It's not what it seems,

Those times are long over,
Now I am on my own.
The beggars have all ridden.
My wishes: horse gone.

I float above it all, 
Watching as I do.
Surrounded by people,
Feeling so alone.

Head down,
At the stoplight tears come,
A young man pulls up next to me
Glances once… twice…
With an engine rev, he’s gone.

I hide it pretty well, you see.
They say, “You look so good,”
“You are so strong,”

But  in  the  space  that’s  in  between

I fall apart
I kick and scream
I claw and grab on for dear life.

Because really,
Truly,
What is happening here:

Choice is gone,
Chance is Queen,
Luck will run right out.

Everyone placed their bets?
Let’s see how far we can go.

I got good news from my doctor that the metastases is still in my lungs. But, at any moment that could change and that scares me to death. I guess I should just be happy and thank God that there are no more complications for my IPF to have to deal with. So, for all those inquiring minds out there, yes, this still means I have Stage IV lung cancer...but it is limited to the lungs (both sides) and right now, there is nothing they can do about it. Isn't life just full of wonderful news. This information puts me in limbo yet again, but that's really what this world of metastatic lung cancer is. But you know, I would rather have limbo than definite bad news (again I chuckle).

I deal with what is, I adjust to new information as quickly as as I can and forge into the unknown. 

As for my children, my job is to teach them how to live a life without me (whether that be 3 or 20 years). My job is to show them how to accept the help of others but not be reliant on it. I choose to show them that there is determination and nobility in facing at what life throws at you. You may not be able to change the final outcome, but you can change what you do to be ready for it. The strongest way of teaching them this right now is by living my life deliberately, making choices and showing them the best I can be. This doesn't mean denial. Nor does it mean I don't lose my temper, or raise my voice, or fall apart sometimes. To be emotionally numb or invariable in my response to what is happening is not healthy. I try to show them that expressing what they feel is a better option. Emotions of anger, and sadness, and grief, and fear are fine to have. It's beneficial to talk about them, but dwelling on them won't make things better. Acknowledging their truth, their reality, and their basis is what's needed.

I’m a planner. I take comfort in routine, the familiar, the predictable. Unfortunately, those are now removed from my life forever. Yes, I know life always tosses everyone curve balls. That’s what life is. But I experience it in a whole new way. I have no way of saying life will ever return to “normal” or even a “new normal.” There will not be a “better”… I am not “sick” in that I cannot recover.

I still feel the drive to help, to counsel, to educate. But am finding it more difficult. I hate saying no but know I will need to start saying this more. In-person interaction is very difficult for me. While no one would know it to look at me, social interaction is extremely draining these days. I try to minimize contact knowing that when I am in public I am under scrutiny. People want to know how I am. They want to be reassured. They look at me for clues as to how things are. There is no reassurance I can offer. This is a disease of progression to the end, a story that will not have a happy ending.

I want the story that I am living to be a good one, to the highest degree it can be. I want the story for my family and friends to be one full of love, memories, and devotion. These people are the center of my world.

I want the story to be different from what it has been, different from what it will be.

As a writer I am used to editing. Revising. Changing what I don’t like.

But I can’t edit this story.

I can’t start it all again.

And so I write through it.

The only way out is through.

But this one… well, this one is quite simply going to have a sad ending, as many stories do.

Love you all and Truly Mean it...and God Loves you too,

Shanna xoxoxo

Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna

Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness