Just Keep the Motor Running

When I die don’t think you’ve lost me.

I’ll be right there with you, living on in the memories we have made.


When I die don’t say I “fought a battle.” Or “lost a battle.” Or “succumbed.”

Don’t make it sound like I didn’t try hard enough, or have the right attitude, or that I simply gave up.


When I die don’t say I “passed.”

That sounds like I walked by you in the corridor at school.

When I die tell the world what happened.

Plain and simple.

No euphemisms, no flowery language, no metaphors.

Instead, remember me and let my words live on.

Tell stories of something good I did.

Give my children a kind word. Let them know what they meant to me. That I would have stayed forever if I could.

Don’t try to comfort my children by telling them I’m an angel watching over them from heaven or that I’m in a better place:

There is no better place to me than being here with them.

They have learned about grief and they will learn more.

That is part of it all.

When I die someday just tell the truth:

I lived, I died.

The end.

Paradoxically, the one thing I can count on now is uncertainty. I am getting no treatments. I am still waiting....just waiting. And as I wait, my body is getting sicker and sicker. I have no faith in the health system. My family is waiting for something good to happen. Every day I get asked, do you know anything yet? And everyday, I give them the same answer: "No, nothing yet." I worry that I am just going to sit here and wither away. 

I know I'm supposed to stop and smell the roses, 

But life is going to keep moving on without me.

So maybe instead you should just keep the motor running,

Let me hop out for just a moment.

While you're not looking, 

I might just try to run.

But I realize you're not paying attention any more,

I'm taking too long.

So, I will linger a while

Taking in the glory,

Before the last breath.

Every day brings something new. It's definitely getting more challenging in some of these ways, but the good days are so grand to have.

I have to teach the kids at night now because the side effects from my medication has me sleeping most of the day. They do not mind it all and actually, I find I teach better in the evenings. I am becoming a true Spanish teacher. You should hear me rattle off those words. I am a professional. And Tristan, well, he is almost as good as I am but with a more Southern accent. 

Many people think I have quite a lot of time on my hands but most of that time is spent dealing with nausea or extreme fatigue. What others consider "free-time" is recovery from side-effects from twenty different medications I take and struggling to do day-to-day functioning including the many medical appointments. Most of the rest of my "free-time" is spent in bed.

It is part of our job as parents to teach our children how to be independent, how to solve problems on their own, how to go off in the world without us for whatever reason. I will always want more time with them. It will never be enough for me. But this is my old age. I must teach them as many lessons as I can, while I can, for as long as I can.And that is true for everyone, but of course I have not only the urgency to do it NOW but also I have no idea how long I have and will likely be debilitated in some form until that time comes.

Yes, it’s true no one knows how long they have to live. But those diagnosed with a terminal disease know what is most likely to kill them. And that their time is not just going to be shortened, but consumed daily with the treatment and effects of that disease. It’s not having a normal, healthy life that is relatively good and healthy until a sudden accident happens. It’s just not the same as the general worries of growing older or aches and pains. It’s never-ending.

Just because people see me in public they shouldn’t assume that I’m “back to normal” or “feeling great.” It is hard to explain that it might have taken me all day to get the energy up to do that one errand or have that one coffee date with a friend, that I’ll need a nap and to rest for the rest of the day after doing it. They might not understand that I was in bed for days leading up to it. Hopefully explaining some of these details can help people to understand a bit what daily life is like for me.

Things are very hard right now. It takes all of the strength I have to get through each day doing things I otherwise would be giving little thought to. I miss that part, the carefree, energetic part of me I had.

The truth is that it’s very hard when difficult situations of all kinds linger. I think we all do better when tough times are brief. Being in one of these situations has shown me the depth to which this is the case

I am so grateful for the offers of help and meals that continue to come. Let me assure you they are so needed and appreciated.

My daily reminder: Find a bit of beauty in the world today. Share it. If you can’t find it, create it. Some days this may be hard to do. Persevere.

Everything is an equation now.
Everything is a calculation.
Everything has a cost.
I try to balance risks.
I study statistics and results.
But in each equation I calculate, the result is always time.
Nothing is more valuable than time that I am able to enjoy the world and those around me.

Love you all and truly mean it.....and God loves you too,

Shanna xoxoxo

Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna

Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness