You are a Superhero

Not much has really happened today. I have not been feeling all that great, but that is nothing new. I had to cancel my physical therapy appointment because my breathing has been hard, but I think that relates to the humidity outside. We are expected to have severe weather again today (oh goody). I am soooooooo excited (NOT!). So far, we have lucked out thanks to the Good Lord. We are under a tornado watch until ten P.M. I have severe storm anxiety but I am trying to let my guard down some since my little man has it much worse than I do and I have to stay calm for him. Typically, the way I end up calming down is by calling my mom. She helps me figure out the direction of the storms and sometimes, even if we don't even really need to get in our safe place, we do just in case. That helps me with my anxiety level.

May is almost here! That means it is close to San Diego time! I cannot wait and neither can my children. We have decided that we are going to detour through Phoenix instead of going through New Mexico so that I can enjoy Phoenix for a night. If I like it, we may make it a tradition to visit Phoenix every summer. Though it is still a huge dream of mine, I think my family is more important. I will just stay here and fix up my house to kind of look like a home in Phoenix and then visit Arizona every chance I get. It can be my home away from home.

I have decided to make a beautiful flower garden in front of my house. I am hoping to be creative enough to make it in the shape of Texas. My oldest is going to help me with the design. Then, in the backyard, we are going to make a tropical oasis complete with an above ground pool and palm trees. We are going to till up the grass and add rocks and gravel leading up to the pool and have chairs lined up around the pool. Margaritas anyone? So, these are the first steps I am taking into making this home beautiful again.

As for the inside, I want to replace both bathtubs and vanities (they are like from the seventies) and add beautiful wood tile. Then, I would love to knock down the wall where the bar is in the kitchen to widen my kitchen and add an island, a new backsplash, a new kitchen sink, countertops, cabinets, a new stovetop, and double ovens. Then, I will add a new customized bar with cabinets since I really need the cabinet space. The kids are all getting brand new beds, and I have not decided if I want to rip up the carpet and make all the rooms wood floors or not. I am getting a brand new front door, since ours is outdated and broken. There is just so much I want to do....and I am excited about being able to do what needs to be done. Our landlord is actually thinking about letting us lease to own this property. Please say a prayer for us that he says yes.

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Wanted: Someone who will let me speak my mind about this terrible disease; without having to be brave or sun-shiny. Someone who will let me blow off steam and rant, someone who will let me feel negative and let me speak my fears about what lies ahead.

DESPERATELY SEEKING: Someone that will let me say that I am scared about what might be. That these two diseases freaks the crap out of me. Someone who will not let me be tough for a few minutes, but break down and cry about my anxieties. 

I may get some static from this post, but I think there is too much pressure on cancer and IPF patients to stay upbeat and cheerful all of the time, dancing through treatments and smiling during scans. "You can beat cancer with an upbeat positive attitude!" Bah, if only that were true, I wouldn't have lost so many friends and loved ones to cancer. On the contrary, it is perfectly natural- even healthy- to allow yourself to imagine various possibilities of what could be. If you have ever watched children play, you would notice they act out "scary" scenarios as a way of understanding the world. 

Few adults play-act these kind of scenarios as expressively as children, but we still run them through in our minds.  How many times have you mentally rehearsed a difficult conversation before having it? How often have you played out "what if" scenarios in your mind? We instinctively know that these rehearsals help us feel ready to deal with challenging situations. 


I understand the impetus from well-meaning friends who interrupt with "don’t say that, just stay positive!" when you talk about fears of what may come to pass in your cancer treatment, but they don't seem to understand that speaking about these anxieties is a means of release. The patient ends up feeling like she has to act happy and fine all the time, and stifles the desperate need to talk through all of this. Unfortunately, oftentimes caregivers feel the same responsibility to put on a happy face around their loved one with cancer, lest they bring him down or pierce the bubble of positivity. It ends up becoming a farce-like scenario you might read in a "Missed Connections" ad, where both people are looking for the same thing and don't realize that it is right in front of them.

I have a phenomenal caregiver for a husband. And while he is often the one who brings me up when I'm feeling blue, I cherish the conversations we have where we let each other know how f---ing terrifying this is. In fact, one of my favorite memories happened a few months after my diagnosis, when it had finally all sunk in. By this time, we had cried rivers of tears and we were starting to accept our new cancer landscape, coming to grips with how totally bizarre and surreal our lives were now.We were talking with a friend about my diagnosis, and the friend said,

"But they caught it early right?"



"…No, no they didn't."



"But they can treat it and you'll be okay, right?"



"…No, no it's actually pretty bad."

And then my husband and I burst out laughing. Really, you can only cry so much, then you just have to laugh. If we hadn't been able to talk to each other freely about all our fears, we wouldn't have been able to share a laugh over how absurd this all was. (Our poor friend looked a little startled.)

Of course, this goes far beyond cancer. How often do we hide what truly bothers us, pushing aside what we really want to say or do because we are afraid of how others will react. I say, go for it! Speak about it. Be bold. You may find that you are less alone than you think, and you can laugh together rather than crying alone.

I've been living with Stage IV cancer now for seven months now. My husband has watched me struggle to breathe, seen me puke my guts out, taken me to countless doctors appointments, taken over a meal mid-stir when I was too exhausted to go on, run from floor to floor of the hospital parking ramp looking for a wheelchair for me, all the while keeping our household together by running and parenting our three children .I have no idea how he does it. In sickness and in health, indeed. 

To all the caregivers out there, all you unsung superheroes, my admiration for you is greater than ever. Watching someone you love struggle to breathe, battle side effects, and deal with endless pain....is its own kind of torture. We patients go through this because we have no choice. You do it out of love.

That my friends, is truly inspirational.

Love you all and truly mean it.....and God loves you too,

Shanna xoxoxo

Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna

Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness