I have not really talked about my cancer that much, but that's mainly in part because there is not much to tell when it comes to the lung cancer. My next scan isn't until May so I have to wait until then to see if it is growing or not. I should also be having my next PET then as well. As I am quickly learning, treating cancer is all about scans and comparing one against another over time, hoping for regression, or, best of all, resolution of spots that were once suspicious on previous scans. So, since my last set of scans which were in January, I had 3 spots on the right with one measuring over 1 cm and 6 on the left all under 5 mm with tons of ground glass opacities. For now, there isn't any additional testing that needs to be done. This makes me happy.
A crossroad is a place where multiple roads converge, a milestone of sorts marking the end of one phase and the beginning of another, a point at which a decision needs to be made about what road to take next continues on the journey. Moving back home today was the beginning of the first part of my crossroad. Figuring out where life is leading me next is the continuation of my crossroad.
You know, cancer was my biggest fear my entire life. Little did I know that there are scarier diseases in the world, and that I for that matter would be diagnosed with one of them. IPF sometimes has me terrified more than the normal person could ever imagine. Cancer and IPF has made me hold precious scenes and memories of my life against my heart like they're my very own children; that's how much I cherish them, and while those scenes can make me feel a disembodied sadness and longing I've never known, they also make me feel an unparalleled joy, appreciation, and love for them and the people who star in them.
I have done so many things for so many reasons, but mostly it was to prove my own self-worth to myself and my family for I wanted to be wanted, accepted, and loved. At some point when I had accomplished all that I had dreamed of accomplishing and indeed got married and had children and did those things everyone once said I wouldn't be able to do, I began to feel self-worth and love from within as well as from without, but to a large degree, I could never have those feelings of marginalization, of being unwanted and unloved, so ingrained had they been in me from such a tender age.
I’m pretty sure my feelings of insecurity are nearly universal amongst all people. I see the insecurity already in my children even though they have had the benefit of nurturing parents. I’m always amazed at how the beautiful and intelligent never feel quite beautiful or intelligent enough, how people constantly agonize over not being thin enough or charming enough. And all of these things matter – beauty, intelligence, weight and hundreds of other criteria by which people judge themselves – because these are the characteristics people select to determine whether they’re indeed desirable and loveable. Ultimately, we all have a constant need to be accepted and loved in this world, to feel connected to the communities represented by networks of family, friends, colleagues, church and the other groups that surround us. It’s almost as if the fear of being unloved is part of our genetic makeup where some might be more predisposed than others but it exists at some baseline level in everyone. With success, experience and maturity, the insecurities tend to dissipate. Ironically and rather unexpectedly, for me, cancer has proven to be the most effective in chasing away my insecurities, allowing me to forsake finally and almost completely those old, familiar and painful feelings of unlovability. How funny that one of the two greatest challenges of my life, my appearance, should make me feel unloved and that the other greatest challenge of my life, this cancer and IPF, should make me feel loved.
I’ve often said that one of the blessings of my cancer diagnosis and IPF was the opportunity to feel such incredible love and support from family, friends, acquaintances, healthcare professionals and even total strangers, the kind of love that people, true to human nature, only show when the thing or person loved is being threatened. I know intuitively that a lot of people go through their entire lives without ever experiencing the kind of human compassion and love that has been shown me, and I’m only 35 years old. I was moved to tears by, and experienced true humility through, the gentleness and compassion shown to me by the many nurses and doctors who helped me through the darkest days of my diagnosis, washing my hair for me when I couldn’t, hugging and giving me words of comfort when I cried about my babies facing life without a mother. I was shocked by all the floral arrangements that came to my hospital room after my surgery. I was astonished by all the relatives and friends who came to see me in those days and weeks, even though I hadn’t seen or spoken to some of them in years. I’ve been touched by all the messages of support I’ve received, some of them from people I would have never thought cared. To be the beneficiary of all this compassion, generosity and love in the past six-plus months has been to experience a beautiful and profound aspect of the human experience; it has been my privilege and honor.
I am humbled. That unwanted little girl, unworthy of love, is truly baffled by all these acts of love. Truly. I don’t know why I would deserve such a grand and generous gesture. I’ve not done anything particularly meaningful for humanity. I’ve never been some do-gooder working to solve the problems of poverty and illness that plague the world. Other than some charitable donations, I’ve never knowingly helped abused women or children. I’m not a particularly altruistic person, I don’t think. I’ve been too busy trying to prove to myself and the rest of the world that I deserved love and haven’t focused much on giving love.
I am inspired. As the recipient of so much kindness and love, I want to do more. I want to make a meaningful impact on the world. It probably won’t be solving the problems of poverty in the developing world or helping abused women and children. I’m not sure what it will be. I hope this blog has done good, but I want to do something more than this blog, something to really “pay it forward”, something big and important. In some respects, I’m still standing at that crossroads, trying still to figure out what to do next to be the giver of compassion and love, rather than just a recipient. I know it is one of those decisions that will come to me organically if I am patient and open to the opportunities. I know the universe will speak to me and direct me towards the right road.
Love you all and truly mean it and God loves you too,
Shanna xoxoxoxo
LUNGevity National Hope Summit: I'm participating in an event to raise money to fight lung cancer—and I need your help!
I'm planning to attend LUNGevity Foundation's National HOPE Summit in Washington, DC, in May - it's a special conference just for lung cancer survivors like me. If I can raise $1000 or more in donations, LUNGevity will cover my travel expenses, including US round-trip transportation and hotel accommodations.
Proceeds from this fundraiser will benefit LUNGevity Foundation, the leading private provider of research funding for lung cancer. LUNGevity Foundation is firmly committed to making an immediate impact on increasing quality of life and survivorship of people with lung cancer by accelerating research into early detection and more effective treatments, as well as providing community, support, and education for all those affected by the disease.
Please join me in my efforts to stop lung cancer—the leading cancer killer—now!
http://lungevity.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=15728
Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna
Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness
My Go Fund Me Page (any and all donations will help with my medical funds)gofundme.com/hope4shanna2016
I'm planning to attend LUNGevity Foundation's National HOPE Summit in Washington, DC, in May - it's a special conference just for lung cancer survivors like me. If I can raise $1000 or more in donations, LUNGevity will cover my travel expenses, including US round-trip transportation and hotel accommodations.
Proceeds from this fundraiser will benefit LUNGevity Foundation, the leading private provider of research funding for lung cancer. LUNGevity Foundation is firmly committed to making an immediate impact on increasing quality of life and survivorship of people with lung cancer by accelerating research into early detection and more effective treatments, as well as providing community, support, and education for all those affected by the disease.
Please join me in my efforts to stop lung cancer—the leading cancer killer—now!
http://lungevity.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=15728
Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna
Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness
My Go Fund Me Page (any and all donations will help with my medical funds)gofundme.com/hope4shanna2016
No comments:
Post a Comment