"knowing you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do."I've often been told how brave I am in this journey. That really has never made much sense to me as I am not doing any of this by choice. I would much rather NOT have lung cancer or pulmonary fibrosis, and NOT put my family through all of this. Sure, great life lessons, live in the moment, blah, blah, blah, blah, but I would really prefer not to be sick at all. Really. REALLY. Really really for real.
I am, however, surrounded by some very special and courageous people. Perhaps the most astounding and least acknowledged are the caregivers, the partners, the spouses. They voluntarily attend countless appointments, deal with a plethora of emotions, constantly get threatened with losing their job, lose their job because you are sick, hold the patient's hand while awaiting daunting test results, and take care of rambunctious munchkins when the patient needs to sleep (this last one might be specific to me). None of this is required; it is not their bodies that are resentful hosts to these beasts, yet they do it willingly. That is courage.
The other group who knowingly walk into this fray are the nurses, doctors, and scientists. Sadly, I need to qualify this since I have come across too many that have the- usually unspoken, but not always- belief that people with pulmonary fibrosis and stage IV cancer are not really worth the trouble and should be sent home to die. Thankfully, there exist some nurses, doctors, and researchers that dare to dream. I'm talking about the handful who choose not to give up on us, even when the odds of living a long life are, well, pretty close to nonexistent. These are the rockstar docs (I've become a bit of a fan girl for some of them). They face hopeless situations with the crazy belief that these people are worth fighting for (that I am worth fighting for). They believe that with enough work, seemingly impossible things just might come true. And even if they don't, they will continue to try their damdedest to find a solution.
As Atticus said, "You rarely win...but sometimes you do."
I was placed on new anti-depression medication today. I am now past depression and have moved on to severe depression (go figure). I doubt that medication truly cures depression. What I do know is that HEART trumps depression any day of the week.
I realized just how depressed I was today. I feel numb. I am a calm person, a quiet person, a person who bites her tongue so she can be polite. But, I have been arguing back and forth with myself and here in my blog I feel like I am allowed to let a little anger and rage out.
Don't mess with my hope. Don't you dare try to take away my survival from me. Believe what you want to believe about how hopeless the world is, but don't you force that hopelessness on anyone besides yourself.
I'm dead serious about this because my life is at risk. I am fierce when it comes to survival. I will fight tooth and nail to get to a better place because I have come too far to give up now.
With depression, people often feel like they don't matter. Like life doesn't matter. Like no one would care if they were to disappear off this planet.
I feel that way EVERY day and EVERY day I fight it. My life matters because I say so. Because I decided that cutting myself, putting myself down, talking about killing myself, and starving myself did not work to fix the pain I felt. They just amplified it.
If I have learned anything from having depression, from living all thirty-five years of my life so far, it's that things don't go as planned. Life is screwed up! It's unpredictable for all of us.
I think half of our suffering comes from expectations that thing were supposed to be better than this. And when things are pretty shitty, like me being sick all the time, we just don't know what to do, because it feels wrong and bad to complain.
Seriously, complaining is allowed. Suffering is allowed. Every feeling you are feeling right now is allowed.
I am not particularly happy today. I was told I was going to get to go home on Tuesday, but now, that has changed again. I am in so much pain today and I feel agitated and grouchy. I hate my life today. I miss my children. I want this suffering to stop.
I don't want to hide my feelings anymore. When we hide our feelings, we hide our existence. And when we hide our existence, we aren't living. And we all deserve to live.
Give yourself permission. Stop beating yourself up for feeling unhappy. Scream, yell, and stomp around! It's okay!
The more we let ourselves feel, the faster we can process our feelings and move to a more comfortable and happier place. Nothing is stagnant. "If you surrender to the wind, you can ride it."
I am depressed because of my financial situation...my husband lost his job because of me. I am depressed because I cannot seem to get better but how does one get better when they are dying? I have so much work to do on me. The first step was admitting to all of you that I am severely depressed.
Love you all and truly mean it...and God loves you too,
Shanna xoxoxo
LUNGevity National Hope Summit: I'm participating in an event to raise money to fight lung cancer—and I need your help!
I'm planning to attend LUNGevity Foundation's National HOPE Summit in Washington, DC, in May - it's a special conference just for lung cancer survivors like me. If I can raise $1000 or more in donations, LUNGevity will cover my travel expenses, including US round-trip transportation and hotel accommodations.
Proceeds from this fundraiser will benefit LUNGevity Foundation, the leading private provider of research funding for lung cancer. LUNGevity Foundation is firmly committed to making an immediate impact on increasing quality of life and survivorship of people with lung cancer by accelerating research into early detection and more effective treatments, as well as providing community, support, and education for all those affected by the disease.
Please join me in my efforts to stop lung cancer—the leading cancer killer—now!
Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna
Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness
My Go Fund Me Page (any and all donations will help with my medical funds) gofundme.com/hope4shanna2016 
No comments:
Post a Comment