Feeling small and insignificant is a rarity in the course of our daily lives. And then things happen that jerk us out of our complacency and make us feel small and powerless. Most of the time, they are events that we hear about on the news or from friends of friends, those tragedies that end in death that happen to other people in other places that make us sad but also guiltily relieved and grateful for we think, "I go there but for the grace of God"- destructive hurricanes and earthquakes, violent shootings and explosions, car accidents, and of course, insidious illnesses. When we learn of those events, we are shaken to the core because we are reminded of our mortality, of how important we truly are in the face of unseen forces of nature that would cause the earth to tremble and a human mind deranged enough to kill and cells to grow and mutate and grow uncontrollably within one's body.
My cancer was one such event for not only did it shatter mine and Kevin's world but it disrupted the lives of my family, friends, and those who only knew of me. An otherwise healthy 35-year-old mother of three has lung cancer- how can that be? Everyone always asks. The phone calls, messages, emails, and notes died down as people moved on with their lives and I got used to the new rhythms of living with lung cancer. Yes, for those of us who have cancer, life can become complacent again, until that is something else happens to us.
As I have said before, battling cancer comes in not just the physical realm, but also in the nonphysical realm, where the mind and spirit are challenged to find the will to keep fighting, to feel happiness despite the sadness, to find light amidst the darkness, to laugh through the fear, to live with abandon and joy under the specter of death. I hope that no matter how difficult the physical war becomes for me, and no matter how I may struggle through the non-physical war, I will always confront my disease with the same kind of courage, honesty, grace, and acceptance that my lung cancer family has exhibited. They, who have learned so much about their disease and the treatments, both established and experimental, they who chose to share their knowledge as no other; they are my heroes.
I am currently fighting another battle...my biggest one yet. My pulmonary fibrosis is spreading and it is causing my heart rate to jump into the mid to high 100's every time I get up to walk. As you have probably already guessed, I am in the hospital yet again. But, I will remember the prayers and love that so many have wished for me. I will regain my strength and come out on top. God has already said it to be true. No matter how many more battles I have to face, I will never give up. I am a warrior who just so happens to love sparkles. A Sparkle Warrior!
Cancer and Pulmonary Fibrosis are forces of nature that act within the human body, just as the winds and rains from a hurricane that acts on land and the inhabitants of that land. Notwithstanding the marvels of mankind's ability to build sturdy structures that will protect us from the elements (or, as in the case of cancer, the marvels of modern medicine that allow the lucky to defy that force of nature that is cancer), ultimately both are more powerful than our physical beings can overcome should those forces choose to unleash their full strength. We are so small, insignificant, and powerless in the face of those unleashed forces. There comes a time when one must admit that powerlessness and evacuate ahead of the deadly hurricane, rather than remain behind to ride out the storm and make some kind of symbolic gesture of "fuck you." Similarly, there comes a time when one must recognize the futility of continuing the personal physical fight against cancer, when one should begin the process of saying goodbye and understand that death is not the enemy, but merely a part of life. Determining that time is a highly personal deliberation that each of us must make with our hearts and souls.
President Ronald Reagan said of the astronauts who perished in the Challenger explosion (quoting from the poem "High Flight" by John Gillespie Magee, Jr.), "they waved goodbye and slipped the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God." My hope is that all those with chronic illnesses who leave this earth is that all of their souls touch the face of God.
Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings; Sunward I’ve climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth Of sun-split clouds, –and done a hundred things You have not dreamed of –Wheeled and soared and swung High in the sunlit silence. Hov’ring there I’ve chased the shouting wind along, and flung My eager craft through footless halls of air… Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue I’ve topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace Where never lark or even eagle flew — And, while with silent lifting mind I’ve trod The high untrespassed sanctity of space, Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
Love you all and truly mean it...and God loves you too,
Shanna xoxoxo
LUNGevity National Hope Summit: I'm participating in an event to raise money to fight lung cancer—and I need your help!
I'm planning to attend LUNGevity Foundation's National HOPE Summit in Washington, DC, in May - it's a special conference just for lung cancer survivors like me. If I can raise $1000 or more in donations, LUNGevity will cover my travel expenses, including US round-trip transportation and hotel accommodations.
Proceeds from this fundraiser will benefit LUNGevity Foundation, the leading private provider of research funding for lung cancer. LUNGevity Foundation is firmly committed to making an immediate impact on increasing quality of life and survivorship of people with lung cancer by accelerating research into early detection and more effective treatments, as well as providing community, support, and education for all those affected by the disease.
Please join me in my efforts to stop lung cancer—the leading cancer killer—now!
Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna
Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness
My Go Fund Me Page (any and all donations will help with my medical funds) gofundme.com/hope4shanna2016
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