Dr. Fitzgerald came in my room this afternoon (for any of my followers that don't know, I am in Parkland Hospital due to Pneumonia) and asked me why they have not started chemo on me as of yet? I answered, "That's the million dollar question." No, I do not want to go through chemo....but yes, if it is going to prolong my life for even a year.....a year...I say bring it on!!
This hospital stay has heeded more answers than I ever actually anticipated. They are diligently working on my pain and actually really trying to get it all under control before I get out this time so that I do not have to be on pain medicine at all. It is hard for me to teach and keep my eyes open while I am on any pain medication at all. Yes, I know.....such a lightweight.
Parkland is doing a complete oncology workup on me. Seriously, you might see me in a research book because there has to be someone out there like me...maybe.
I am the most frightened that I have ever been in my life. Although, I finally got the answers I was looking for, I do NOT quite think I was ready to honestly hear them.
My youngest turns twelve in just two days....and I am here while he is there. I remember him being a baby like it was just yesterday. Tristan was the healthiest of the three...he was no where near premature. When he was born, it was on Friday the 13th and he screamed and screamed...not even his daddy could calm him down. Then the nurse finally was able to put him in my arms and he calmed down instantly. He and I sat there for the longest time...our eyes interlocking. I swear we stared at each other for at least fifteen minutes. He was my beautiful bald baby. Just as I had two times before, I had fallen in love right then and there.
When Kevin and I stood in front of friends and family on April 20, 2002 (actual wedding date is November 2, 2001 but April is when we had our church ceremony), we pledged to love each other in good times and bad, in sickness and in health. Little did we know, sickness was already fixing to become a constant companion in our marriage.
Somehow, Kevin and I managed the facade of a normal life despite all of my appointments and constant fears. My lung disease had not ruined our life or our love, but it had colored it so deeply that it was a permanent part of the fabric of our union.Kevin's constant optimism allowed him to cope with the implications of my illness. Together, we have three amazing children that we would give our lives for. It is the love that we so share that helps me to cope with constant illness.
Since September, with the speed of an impending front, my health began rapidly declining. Even on the oxygen, I became short of breath. I started coughing daily. Oh yes....so it begins.
"Why are you doing the dishes?" he yells at me exasperatedly one night. I feel so angry at him! I watch him, when he thinks I am not looking. I see the worry on his face and the weight of his many responsibilities. I can barely find the energy to cook anymore, so when he cooks, I watch him not only cook, but clean the kitchen afterwards. He does dishes, does the laundry, gets the children ready for bed, takes out our dog, makes sure the dog is fed and watered, makes sure all the pets have been fed and watered, and then finds time to take care of me, do his college work, and go to work. He really is an amazing guy.
Ours is not a marriage based on lovemaking and passion. Our lovemaking has more to do with folded laundry and making sure the dishes are put back where they are supposed to go. I feel his love in the way he lays out my meds, I feel his love when he holds my hair back when I feel like I am going to puke. It isn't pretty, and it isn't for the faint of heart. I have had to learn to be intensely vulnerable and trust him completely. And he has respected my vulnerability with compassion. The infatuated sexual encounters of our courtship have nothing on the intimacy we share by accepting and enduring a united front everything my illness has wrought.
Sometimes, I realize that, unlike me, Kevin chose this life. He knew that I was sick before we got married this last time around but he chose to stay anyway. Every time he tells me that he loves me, he means it. And that's the difference between Kevin and every other man.
Love you all mean it,
Shanna xoxoxoxo
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