Give Me a Nuclear Missile

   Typically, I despise Monday's, but this Monday seemed to be different. I woke up ready and determined to make this a great Monday, and God was definitely by my side. I called ODAR and discovered that the judge is ready to move forward! Yes! The next and final step to getting my social security is the hearing! My family will finally be able to have some financial relief! God is working miracles in my family. I truly feel it. Something big is about to happen. So, it looks like we can finally start looking for homes and jobs in the Dallas area. Thank you Jesus!

   One thing I have learned on this cancer journey is that cancer is not a person, or even a sentient being, or even a separate life form. It is not an invader. Cells divide, that is what they do, except with cancer, it's an anomaly of cell division. My cancer is just or my own cells running amok. 

  I see lots of "dear cancer" letters and they always make me a little uncomfortable. I know, I know, it's just a way of coping with cancer. For me, it is sort of in the same category as going into "warrior mode" then "kicking cancer's ass".

   Except, I'm that jerk who point out that cancer has no ass to kick, not being a person or animal or whatever. 

   While yes, I certainly am on board with the whole "cancer is not a gift" thing- nooooooooo it isn't evil either. Without a brain, cancer cells cannot have purpose or intent. Don't get me wrong, it feels that way to me much of the time. My first reaction, like so many other patients, was cut this thing out of me now! I envisioned the classic "invader", the idea it was some sci-fi "Alien" thing. But, first, had I shaved my legs?

   It took a long time, and I still curb my thoughts and reactions, to ground myself and my view of cancer as some fantastical creature, some demonic creature to overcome. It is easier to think that cancer is some evil invader, not one's own body gone wrong, failing, betraying. Cancer is not sci-fi, it isn't even alien. It's just me, my cells- but gone wrong.

   I have nothing to say to cancer because cancer doesn't have ears, so cancer just isn't going to listen. And yes, again, I realize letters are a coping strategy- like journaling or, cough, cough, blogging! I realize many of us must frame cancer experiences as a story. And as someone who has shared her story via blogging, it is a bit unfair of me to criticize the storyteller of cancer- the beast or invader who must be met on a battlefield, and vanquished like a dragon or something from King Arthur times.

   I guess some of my discomfort comes from a growing unease with the storification of cancer, and yes I do it too. But sometimes, it strikes me as silly. Like, did I battle the traffic to get to the grocery store? Fight my way through obstacles to return home victorious with my booty (groceries)? Did I shave my legs first??

   I know, I know. Having cancer is not as mundane as a trip to the store. But, on the other hand, I fear making it too epic. I mean, maybe I have made it epic too much already by being my own stupid self- I am still sitting here blogging about it, after-all.

   I guess what I am saying is- my coping strategy is quite different. I NEED to know that getting cancer was not something I deserved. That, it was in fact, maybe quite random. Something happened that triggered the cells to divide improperly- and it really is just that simple. It is tempting still to view my body as a traitor. But it isn't. My body just isn't smart enough to make a plan of betrayal- my body contains a brain, but each cell doesn't have one. 

   I've seen a few posts lately touting vegan diets or a certain food or drink with the words, "prevents cancer". I know everyone wants "hope" and wants to do something proactive to prevent this disaster from happening. Here comes the cancer curmudgeon to put a pin in the hope balloon, to piss on the hope parade.

   The appropriate phrase is "lowers the risk of developing cancer". If some food or drink actually "prevented" cancer, we'd all be ingesting it, because only a moron would want to have cancer- and I mean that, if you've ever said, "I wish I had cancer to meet (random celebrity), to be thinner", you're the world's biggest moron.

   Magazines, internet articles, etc, flash the words "prevents cancer" to take advantage of our desperation to do nearly anything to not go through cancer, and people buy their product, and go to their site. I've nearly gone crazy since I have been diagnosed seeing those words thrown around on countless magazines as I wait in the check-out line at the grocery store. If anyone actually knew the numerous causes of cancer, there would be cures. I know of too many stories where the runner, the vegan, or the nutrition freak, still got cancer. I've drank a ton of milk, eaten healthy, and I still got cancer. I could go on all day. There are too many anecdotes like this. Sometimes bad things like cancer happen to people who are most unlikely to get it. If cancer had a motto, it would be "shit happens."

  This brings me to my larger point- phrases like "prevents cancer" feeds right into that "blame the cancer patient" line of thinking. Too many times those without cancer ask dumbass questions like "did you smoke", "did you exercise regularly", "were you overweight". Do smokers or former smokers deserve lung cancer, to die? If you think yes, then you are an asshole.

   Hey, here's a wacky idea: how about corporations stop putting carcinogens and shit in products? How about NOT putting cancer causing chemicals into animals we eat, and making the meat affordable to all?

   There is nothing wrong with taking actions like eating better to improve health, yes, even to lower the risk of cancer. I respect those who've made the commitment to do so. I respect those who only post positive things in relation to cancer. It is just not my way of looking at the world, and I hope that this does not tarnish the way you read this rant. I will always be grateful for all the research and hope we have now, but I will also always keep asking for more, for better, in the search for treatment and prevention of ALL cancer. I hope I never lose the will to ask this.

   In the fight against cancer (if we must use this terminology), oh how I hate this language of cancer, like those who "lose the battle" to cancer just were bad fighters-ugh, science needs to develop better weapons, corporations needs to stop poisoning products for profit. Those are the bigger, more effective ways to fight cancer, instead of putting the onus on the individual. Don't hand me a damn peashooter, I want a fucking nuclear missile.

   Love you all and truly mean it (and God loves you too),

   Shanna xoxoxo

   LUNGevity National Hope Summit: I'm participating in an event to raise money to fight lung cancer—and I need your help!

   I'm planning to attend LUNGevity Foundation's National HOPE Summit in Washington, DC, in May - it's a special conference just for lung cancer survivors like me. If I can raise $1000 or more in donations, LUNGevity will cover my travel expenses, including US round-trip transportation and hotel accommodations.

  Proceeds from this fundraiser will benefit LUNGevity Foundation, the leading private provider of research funding for lung cancer. LUNGevity Foundation is firmly committed to making an immediate impact on increasing quality of life and survivorship of people with lung cancer by accelerating research into early detection and more effective treatments, as well as providing community, support, and education for all those affected by the disease.

 Please join me in my efforts to stop lung cancer—the leading cancer killer—now!

http://lungevity.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=15728

Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna

Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness

My Go Fund Me Page (any and all donations will help with my medical funds) gofundme.com/hope4shanna2016