I know I shouldn't feel alone because I am married, but lately he has been working so much that all he wants or feels like doing is sleeping. So, I am left alone with my thoughts. And my thoughts are scrambled like a puzzle. I cannot make sense of them. I'd like to put the puzzle together one piece at a time, but I feel like I am missing some very important pieces. I try to talk to my mom about everything I am going through, but I honestly do not think she wants to hear it....and I say this because she keeps changing the subject. Maybe it is time I see a therapist. For one solid hour, one time a week, I get to be heard. I just want to get these rambling thoughts out of my head.
Friday, I see Dr. Roque (my primary oncologist) and I am going to bring up the fact that my test results from the hospital still show anemia, but not iron deficient anemia. That would explain the reason I would still be extremely fatigued after getting the iron infusions. I am having trouble breathing even on the oxygen and I don't feel like any of this is normal. But, when you have cancer and severe lung disease, what the hell is normal? Maybe this life I am living now is normal. If so, might I just say that I hate it!
I don't mean to be so much of a Debbie-downer lately, but at least my readers get the real me. I don't sugar coat anything (unless it's sweet tea). When I am depressed, or sad, or feeling lonely, my readers will feel that with me. It feels like this is the only place that I can be myself. You get raw emotion. You get me.
There must be a reason, and conversely there must be a way out. My mother has said to me on more than one occasion, "No-one can tell you they know how you feel, because they don't. But you have to keep going." This is a marathon I am running, not a sprint. I am a tough cookie, normally. I am, or at least I was, but now I feel like that cookie is slowly crumbling.
All I want is someone to listen, someone that does not tell me what to do or how to feel. I don't need a long-winded pep talk. I just need someone to listen and echo my feelings and fears. Be present for me and let me be where I am: sad, discouraged, and bordering on hopeless. If I had this, if my husband would talk to me instead of keeping it all in, I would have this...then I would be able to see some sort of ray of happiness and have enough momentum to keep going.
Life is made up of laughter, tears, and sniffles, with sniffles predominating. This may seem like a pessimistic view point, but it is actually true. My emotions lurk just below the surface and it takes very little to make my eyes well. I was eating with mom and Bill this evening at the Texas Roadhouse when Faith Hill's "This Kiss" came over the loudspeaker. My eyes became puffy and the tears started to fall. When Damion was just two years old, mom and I were driving back to Sweetwater to visit my grandma, we heard him in his car seat (he had his headphones in) start singing, "Love me...baby..YEA...THIS KISS THIS KISS...mumble mumble....THIS KISS THIS KISS." He was dancing in his seat paying no attention to the world around him. As I sat in that booth listening to the song, I couldn't help but think of a simpler time. A time when it was just Damion and I, and we were ruling the world. He was such a good baby. And hear come the tears once again.
I wonder now if the "sniffles predominating becomes true as one ages. When you turn over an hourglass, the initial grains move slowly, but as the volume on the top decreases, they flow faster and faster into the bottom chamber. The losses keep coming and I cannot seem to stop them. The hourglass feels like my losses, I keep trying to hold on to things, but they just keep slipping through my hands. I cannot run and play basketball anymore, I have trouble just walking around a store. My lungs make me tired. My fevers exhaust me. I feel like I am aging in fast forward. I may not look 35 but I sure feel like I am 60. I live my life in my bedroom watching ID, TLC, or HGTV or sometimes I read. I feel a sense of accomplishment if I manage to run an errand, cook dinner, or meet someone for lunch. This just can't be all there is.
And then I think to myself, "Yes, you are suffering, but you have everything you need to endure it." Oh, I realize there is not much point in self-flagellation but I don't want to lose sight of everything I am grateful for. And, yet, this is still not the life I want. It takes an incredible amount of effort on my part to focus on the simple joyful moments that happen every day. I try to be satisfied with my blessings: Damion's amazing hugs, Kaitlyn's little love notes she gives me, Tristan's soft kisses, Kevin's ability to make me smile, and my animals. At times these things seem like enough to keep me going. But, honestly, there are times when they are not. I am so tired.
Since finding out that I have pulmonary fibrosis on top of the lung cancer (and that the lung cancer will just keep coming back due to the fibrosis), I am in a war with myself between two alternatives: fighting for my life and accepting death. God, I want my life back. I want more than this. I need more than this.
The reality is that every mother is, first and foremost, a human being. That's all I am, and all I can expect myself to be. I just hope it is enough. So, I sniffle my way through my days and try to relish every moment of joy that presents itself in hopes that I can continue to be a part of my children's lives for at least a little while longer. Maybe when tears predominate, I will know that it is time to accept death and trust that Kevin and the kids will have received everything they needed from me. Maybe then I can go with a clear conscience, knowing that I did everything that I could do.
Don't forget to participate in my blogs! I only need 9 more people to write a note and send it to my email address with the following:
How did finding out the news that I have lung cancer affect you?
Have I inspired you in any way?
How do we know each other?
What is your fondest memory of me?
What do you enjoy the most about our friendship?
My email address is thebrocks2001@att.net. I will feature all thirteen notes in my blogs over the next couple of weeks (I already have four participants). Thank you all so much for reading my blogs!
I'm participating in an event to raise money to fight lung cancer—and I need your help!
I'm planning to attend LUNGevity Foundation's National HOPE Summit in Washington, DC, in May - it's a special conference just for lung cancer survivors like me. If I can raise $1000 or more in donations, LUNGevity will cover my travel expenses, including US round-trip transportation and hotel accommodations.
Proceeds from this fundraiser will benefit LUNGevity Foundation, the leading private provider of research funding for lung cancer. LUNGevity Foundation is firmly committed to making an immediate impact on increasing quality of life and survivorship of people with lung cancer by accelerating research into early detection and more effective treatments, as well as providing community, support, and education for all those affected by the disease.
Please join me in my efforts to stop lung cancer—the leading cancer killer—now!
Please go to http://lungevity.donordrive.com/participant/15728
From my husband: "My wife was just diagnosed with Stage II Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the Cervix today. Her lung cancer is spreading, unfortunately. I cannot afford her medical expense on my own, so I am asking for your help. I have a great job with excellent benefits, but unfortunately, those benefits do not cover all of our expenses. If you can donate, please do so. We are so very appreciative of all who have helped support my wife through this entire ordeal. The reality of her illnesses are hitting her pretty hard. Please continue to lift us up in prayer. If you cannot donate, please share our campaign. God Bless You All!" Please go to gofundme.com/hope4shanna
From our Facebook Page: Good Sunday evening prayer warriors! Shanna has been resting off and on throughout the day. She has not ran as high of a fever as she has in the past few days. I am inspired at her sheer will to survive and her amazing ability to help others even through her own trials. My challenge to all of you is to share this page with your friends. I would like for her to see the page grown to five hundred likes before she goes to CTCA in February. Please go to www.facebook.com/hope4shanna
Prayer Warriors: To order a custom made Hoodie to support me in my battle, please go to https://www.customink.com/g/ysw0-00ad-xnpd. Shirts cost $20.00. Thank you!
Love you all....mean it,
Shanna xoxoxo
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