Gainesville Famous

   It never fails these days...I cannot sleep past 3 A.M. no matter how hard I try. And my first instinct when I wake up is to write. You would think by now that I would have all of my feelings and emotions out, but I have so many stuffed inside that I think it is going to take a lifetime to let out.

   Last night I had to take my sweet husband to the emergency room. Since I have been sick, he has put himself last. His face was swollen on one side and he was in a ton of pain. Finally, I was able to do something for him. When we get to the hospital, his doctor realized who we were and said,"I know who you are, I read your blogs." I am Gainesville famous! That made me feel amazing. Unfortunately, my husband was still in pain so I could not take the time to relish the fact that my blog has actually reached so many people. He has a severe abscess. He was given antibiotics and a hydrocodone. When we arrived home, he was acting goofy because of the pain pill. He is a lightweight! Kevin has only had one surgery and has never been seriously ill. I wish I knew his secret. We are married, don't you think he should spill the beans?

   I had enough energy to do four loads of laundry and cook macaroni and cheese and sausage links. I took a long nap with Kevin because my breathing has been difficult even on the oxygen. Being unable to breathe causes you to be extraordinarily tired. My oldest watched my little two so that both Kevin and I could rest. I really do have amazing children. My cup runneth over.

   Last night, Kevin, Tristan, and I were all sitting on the front porch gazing at the beautiful sunset (I do that every night, and I watch the sun come up every morning) when Tristan said, "Mama, when you pass, I am going to bring your grandchildren to the grave so that you can see them. I want you to be able to see my wife and children." I replied, "Sweetheart, mommy is not going to have a grave. It would just be my body at the grave and it would eventually turn to dust.My soul would not be there." He paused for a minute and then asked, "Does that mean your soul will be with us always?" "Yes baby, that is what that means. I know all of you will still need me and no matter what, mommy will be with you until God takes us all to paradise...and then we will get to see each other again." The tears just rolled out of his eyes. I held him and told him that I am still here and have not gone anywhere yet. An eleven year old should never have to be tortured like this. The thought of losing me is taking a toll on all of my children and I hate it. I'm doing the best I can, but is my best enough?

   We start family counseling on Wednesday. First Kevin and I will go, and then the next week, we will all go with the kids. I think it is important for all of us to be able to talk and lay our emotions on someone else. It's Christian Counseling, which makes the process easier because she will incorporate God into our sessions.

   I wish I could bargain with God to take all of this away from me, but I don't think God works like that. I just don't picture God as some Monty Hall type persona in the heavenly version of "Let's Make a Deal." I just don't think He's up there waiting for me to express the exact "make or break" promise that is going to commute my sentence. So, I don't spend time promising God to become a better person if He would just do me this one little favor. I have mulled over my life at length, and quite honestly, I cannot imagine what I could have possibly done to deserve my situation. I tend to cuss a little too much. And sometimes, I can be pretty mean to Kevin (especially when he takes his time to do something I asked him to do...so most of the time, I wind up doing it). Even cumulatively, these and my other failings don't seem to merit my current circumstance. So, I don't really see what I could bargain with anyway. I suppose I could offer to adopt some orphans or something similarly humanitarian and selfless, but I just don't think that is what the Big Guy is expecting from me. (Though, God, if you happen to be reading my blog and there is something specific you had in mind, some sort of sign would be appreciated. I can always be reached by text or email.)

   So this leaves me with depression and acceptance and I just seem to ping-pong between the two constantly. 

   Honestly, I don't really care for the term "depression". I prefer sadness because that is what it feels like, a profound melancholy. This week has been difficult. I have gone from happy to sad all in the same day. I have cried more this week than I have since being diagnosed. I have such a long journey ahead of me still. There is this saying about a journey of 1,000 miles beginning with a single step, but no-one says anything about going from step 345 to 346 when you are bone tired and your destination remains completely out of sight. I was just overwhelmed with sadness, and my heart felt like it weighed fifty pounds all on its own.

   Dr. Roque told me that I am going to have days when all I do is want to lay in bed, and that's okay and perfectly understandable. She assured me that what I was feeling was normal; she gave me permission to feel sad. "You have to feel the sadness because it is going to come out one way or another." 

   I'd like to get to and stay in the acceptance stage in a Monopoly-like way "Go directly to acceptance. Do not pass through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. Do not collect $200.00." I want to be all Zen about this. I want to be some peaceful creature that walks through this process accepting each day as it comes; one step at a time, one bite of food at a time, one good night kiss at a time. I want to model peace for my children so they will be able to find it themselves. I want everyone around me to feel like this is okay, that we will all be okay.

   Grief doesn't work that way. It is a process. I may want my children to be at peace with their unfortunate lot, but I highly doubt that they are going to skip through denial and depression.

   So, I am trying to accept that there will be bad days- physically and mentally- for the months to come. I hope the bad days are fewer in number than the good days so that I have the strength to weather them. And, perhaps, I need to revisit the definition of a "bad day" so that I can learn to reclassify a somewhat OKAY day as a good one.

   I have so much work to do.

   Love you all so much and I mean it,

   Shanna xoxoxo

   

  I'm participating in an event to raise money to fight lung cancer—and I need your help!

  I'm planning to attend LUNGevity Foundation's National HOPE Summit in Washington, DC, in May - it's a special conference just for lung cancer survivors like me. If I can raise $1000 or more in donations, LUNGevity will cover my travel expenses, including US round-trip transportation and hotel accommodations.

  Proceeds from this fundraiser will benefit LUNGevity Foundation, the leading private provider of research funding for lung cancer. LUNGevity Foundation is firmly committed to making an immediate impact on increasing quality of life and survivorship of people with lung cancer by accelerating research into early detection and more effective treatments, as well as providing community, support, and education for all those affected by the disease.

  Please join me in my efforts to stop lung cancer—the leading cancer killer—now! http://lungevity.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donordrive.participant&participantID=15728

   We are selling t-shirts and hoodies for our prayer warriors. The t-shirts are $20 and the hoodies are $30. If you live locally, you can pay me directly, or you can pay online.https://www.customink.com/g/ysw0-00ae-0juz

   Please help us grow our Facebook page! Like it at www.facebook.com/hope4shanna