Besides the 100th post, today was a pretty good day. I was able to muster up enough energy to sweep the kitchen and study floors, vacuum my room and the living room, and teach the kids for five hours. I am completely wiped and I am pretty sure I am going to be sleeping good tonight.
It's Thursday and I always watch my favorite show on Thursdays; "Grey's Anatomy". I could not be more pissed at how they left me hanging for their silly Winter Finale'. Now, I have to wait until February to see what happens. I cannot go back through Netflix and re-watch all of the episodes because since I have been sick, I have done that three times already. Yes, I will admit, I am just a tad bit obsessed! Now what am I supposed to watch on Thursdays? Damn you Grey's!
My dear sweet hubby cooked dinner for the kids and made me my Ensure with Sugar-Free Chocolate Ice Cream Shake. My dinner was so/so. I am almost 100% positive that the kids ate better than I did, but, at least I was able to "eat". I have not even started chemo yet and I already have no appetite. I guess that is just what lung cancer does. And, guess who is running a really high fever again? Yep, that'd be me.
So, now I am laying in bed, writing this blog (100 YAY!), and cuddling with my beautiful dog while my hubby plays his baseball game on the PlayStation.
Life can't be just fun and games, though right now, I really wished that it could be. My lungs are starting to get noisier and noisier. I've also noticed more shortness of breath even when I take two puffs of my ProAir. Nothing seems to help my breathing. No matter how hard I try, I cannot even take a deep breath. My energy levels are completely shot. It takes everything, and I do mean everything, I have just to get out of bed and start my day. And by the time I am finished teaching, I am completely finished with the day. I am in pajamas and laying down by six. This is honestly not me.
I have to approach the future with realism but also hope and gratitude. I have to take life one day, one hour, one minute, and one second at a time. Every single morning when I wake up, I look up and tell God thank you, for He has given me another day. And then, I go sit on my back porch for hours just taking in all of God's wonderful beauty. I am not taking anything for granted. Here is the picture I took of the leaves I collected from my beautiful Oak Tree:
I will admit that I have been in a bit of a funk here lately. The kind of piss poor and discouraged frame of mind that has left me wondering just how much more I can handle (for instance, the water being turned off), Of course I know exactly how much- whatever life throws at me. "I can't go on. I'll go on." -Samuel Beckett
Diagnosed with advanced lung cancer at the age of 35, I have been learning how to navigate the tangible (statistics) versus the intangible; hope. I'm feeling frustrated, for certain. On so many levels. I have been living such an unsettled life for some time now. But, I continue to have much to be grateful for. I also have an innate tendency to persevere.
So, how am I feeling? Overwhelmed. Sad and occasionally very frustrated.Tired and weaker; both of which I attribute to the progression of my cancer. Stressed about finances..I mean stressed to the max. And, now I have all these little red bumps popping up all over my face, back, arms, and chest. Which I am sure are a side effect of one of the tens of millions of medications I am on.
I've attempted to maintain some semblance of order and sanity, all while trying to figure out what is going on with my cancer, attending to my children's needs the best I can, worrying about my financial future, and stressing about being such a big burden on my husband. I've hit most of the high notes, but it's been a bit of a hit and miss when it comes to communication. I'm saddened by this inattention on my part-but it's been all I could do to take care of my own.
Despite all of these challenges (and this is why I am absolutely determined to abstain from whining); I am alive.
Words don't come as easily for me as they once did. I speak more slowly and I think more slowly as well. I have difficulty remembering things and impaired memory is now listed as a condition on my medical chart. The combination of forgetfulness and the inability to focus means that it takes me much longer to accomplish even seemingly simple tasks.
This is why I write. It actually helps my cognitive function.
The night before last, I wakened in the wee hours of the morning and couldn't fall back to sleep. I laid there thinking about all the things I wanted to do and how long it might take to accomplish them all. I thought to myself, "I need another thirty years". As I was thinking this, I felt a calm rush all through my body.
There and then I decided it was an affirmation. Denial has never been my style. And yet...I am also a bit of a dreamer and I believe in the power of a positive attitude. To wit- when first diagnosed with lung cancer, I understood only too well that the odds I faced with an overall five year survival rate was only 16%. When you are Stage IV, as I am, that statistic drops to a dismal 4%. I have helped myself deal with this reality by picturing a bell curve- in my mind's eye, I am waaaaay out on the end.
Two nights ago a calming feeling touched me and led me to believe I could live another 30 years. I mean, what's the harm? Suddenly my future stretched before me like a Texas highway-almost endless.
It's a view that I could look at, well, forever. <3
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