Fighting to Win

   I had my pelvic exam/pap today. I have been bad about getting my annual accomplished (considering it has been eleven years). My oncologist wanted me to have it done because she wants to make sure that the lung cancer is the primary site. My gynecologist informed me that if there is another primary site, it would more than likely be in the endometrium or the ovaries. So, I had three different blood tests today and then I have to have a vaginal ultra sound to check the thickness of my endometrium. Then, he is ordering another abdominal/pelvic CT and a biopsy of the adenoma on my adrenal gland. What I am hoping for is that the lung cancer is the primary because otherwise, it would be metastatic. Wednesday is my first appointment with my oncologist. Mom is going with me and we are hoping for some really good news.

   I have had so much support from all corners since my diagnosis. It's staggering, a little surprising, and deeply reassuring about the amount of goodness in the world. I appreciate every ounce of it.

   But.


  There's always a but, isn't there? The "but" is that some messages resonate more deeply with me than others. With cancer, you're either a winner or loser. There are so many people out there, myself included, who have to find middle ground. At stage 3, I hope for a miraculous total disappearance of my disease, a clear "win". But I know that I must also prepare and figure out how to live with it, hopefully for an extended period of time. I find myself in a place where management is the goal (and a realistic possibility). I may never get to declare a clear victory in the way many people are thinking, or at least speaking about this. Does that mean I lose? No. I need to find words that allow room for a different understanding of a successful way to approach this.

   Rather than fighting against something, I find it more powerful to fight for something. If you're looking to support someone like me consider sending strength, not to slay a perceived opponent, but strength to restore balance, to find peace, power and wholeness inside themselves amidst a whole lot of shitty, scary fucking chaos. 

   Cancer sucks. Everyone knows this. But not everyone knows what it's like to live with it. You try to base decisions for your future thinking everything will be okay. Really, whether you admit it or not, in the back of your mind, you don't know how far to plan. Do you plan for 10 years, 5 years, 2 years, 1 month?? Of course this should be how everyone thinks, but we all know it's not. Until you are faced with something that wants to kill you everyday, do you really have any idea what it feels like? And is every little ache and pain more cancer? This is how I think now. This is how I will think forever.

   I know the statistics are ever changing, and to not look at them. Stage 3 cancer is Stage 3 cancer, and your odds aren't great. Lung is the largest killer, but I am not going to harp on that. 

   Instead, I am going to try to figure out how far I want to try and plan my future. Everyone says "live in the moment" which I do for the most part, but living in the moment doesn't get you far if you're not sure if you are going to be around for a while. I have always been a planner, and the past month has been a nightmare and I don't think it is ever going to end.

   And to be quite honest, I am scared to death. I can only trust in God to give me peace with my decisions. Cancer will always be with me. It sucks. I hate it so much for those who have lost loved ones and those that continue to fight. 

   And please don't feel sorry for me, just pray for me. I am a big believer in the power of prayer. 

   Ephesians 2:8
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - "