Today was a rather full day, but, it was also a GREAT day! I have not been feeling well for the past two days and my breathing seems to be getting more and more difficult with every step I take, but, I did have a wonderful day teaching the kids.
I have decided to teach both Kaitlyn and Tristan at the 8th grade level (Tristan should just be in 6th grade, but he is extraordinarily smart). He actually has no idea that he is learning at his sister's pace. They learned the Spanish Alphabet today (their mispronunciations make Spanish so worth it). They are definitely from Texas! Tomorrow, we will work on numbers 1-30. I taught them Geometry for the first time today. I really suck at math, so hopefully, I will be able to teach them correctly (pray for me ha!). We had school for seven and a half hours, and then they continued to stay in the classroom and finish their homework. It is really exciting to see them actually WANT to learn...and it is even more exciting to be their teacher. To be perfectly honest with you, it helps lessen the burden of everything I am going through health-wise.
My oldest seems so lost. He is a very confused seventeen year old that I worry about constantly. His worldview is so very skewed, and I think that this is partially my fault. I have pretty much allowed him to have free reign of everything because I felt like I could trust him. I found out earlier this year, that I was wrong. Now, I am trying so hard to fix him...to make him better. I will not go into details about everything he is enduring, but I will say that his way of thinking is quite scary. He has no emotions, at all. So, this is something I will bring up to my therapist on Friday.
Tomorrow I go for my Pulmonary Function Test and my Chest Cat Scan. I just love that dye they run through your IV. I swear it feels like you pee on yourself. The first time I had that done, they did not warn me that I would feel that way, so I literally had to check to make sure I did not urinate on myself. And, in a week, I will be off to surgery. I have really tried to not talk about my surgery much because all it does is cause me more anxiety. Just knowing that it is happening really soon, does not help my anxiety at all.
My body has been fighting with itself my whole life. Yet, I still don't feel very practiced at this whole being sick thing. I feel kind of, well, not numb. The opposite of numb? Like I'm wading in quicksand....
I really do not have a clue as to how I am feeling right now. I do wonder if this ever gets easier, ever gets less pressing. I have been wondering a lot here lately if I will ever get ahead of my illnesses, if someday, I will not feel quite so much like a sick person.
But then again, it also worries me. What happens when I get used to this? What happens when things no longer rock my world off its axis? What happens when abnormal tests, abnormal blood work, abnormal everything, becomes the rule rather than the exception? Am I there yet? Am I already there?
Blood work has become second nature. I have to have that done at least once a month (at least). I bruise easily physically, but emotionally too. It is exhausting to be on guard all of the time. It seems like every time I start to relax, every time I start to feel things are finally turning around, I'm dealt a new blow. And this surgery...has been the biggest blow I will face yet. Then, there is my faith. I wonder if because I am so faithful to God, is he using me as testament to others? Am I being tested? I mean, He tests all of us...I just wonder if this "terminal illness" is a test of my faith. Because, just when I get comfortable, something new happens. Maybe that is just life in general. I guess we notice it more when we are sick and have to make really crucial decisions regarding our health.
I guess I am waiting for the punch line. I am waiting for this bad dream to just end. I'm sick. I know I'm sick, and I know it is a forever thing. But does it ever get easier? Will I ever feel seasoned? Like the scales have finally tipped in my favor? On the other hand, do I want to feel seasoned at this? Because once I do, illness has then become the premier thing in my life. I don't want it to. But I don't know...maybe it already has.
And the effect this is having on my poor children? I want to place bubble wrap around the hearts of my three angels and spare them the pain of always seeing their mother this sick. I realize that I cannot and should not do that. We cannot become fully human without experiencing the complete range of human emotions any more than we can build an immune system without exposure to germs. There cannot be joy without sorrow, satiety without hunger, fulfillment without emptiness. We need the contrast of emotions to weave the tapestry of life. That is how we create a magnificent work of art rather than a monotonous facsimile. It is hard to accept this. It nudges us away from the narrow comfort zones in which we inhabit to a life that in which we allow ourselves to be more vulnerable.
So, I keep working at my tapestry and I hope my children will learn through my example that it is better to live life fully and risk all the inherent pain in doing so than to go through life feeling nothing and missing the richness it offers.
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