Path of Least Resistance

   Lately I've been thinking a lot about what I need from people. I've been having a hard time dealing with so many things in my life, and have really had to explore the relationships I have with others. I've realized that while many people have not done a very good job of dealing will my health issues, I haven't either, mainly because I haven't really known what to ask for, or even how to ask for help. In order to ask for help, you need to know what you need. That's an especially hard thing to do if you don't like asking for help. I'm learning that I have to assert myself more, because if I don't look after myself and my health, no one else will. 
   For me, there's always this battle between the person I am and the person I want to be. If it were up to me, I wouldn't need help, and I wouldn't be struggling to cope, and I wouldn't be sick. But, sadly, that's not reality. The people that I want in my inner circle are the ones who really want to be there. There are two things that I refuse to tolerate in my life; disingenuousness and dishonesty. If I put time and effort in any relationship, I want it to be real and mutual, not one-sided. 
   It's sad, but some people, whether they'd like to be able to or not, are incapable of giving of themselves unselfishly. What I've realized is that help has to come from a place of mutual understanding, and it also has to be unselfish on the other person's part. It doesn't really count if they are only offering help because they have some ulterior motives or expect something in return.
   I've realized that whenever anyone asks me how I am, I've become very accustomed to saying "good" or "fine". Not that I really want everyone knowing exactly how I'm feeling, I also realize that such vague generalities do no one any real good. For me, a major "path of least resistance" is being a "yes" woman, even when saying yes comes at the expense of my health.
   I think what I've come to realize is that you have to let those in who want to be. Now, you don't want to rely on people so much that they become tired or worn out. But you also don't want to stare a gift horse in the mouth. For me, being there mostly means that I can call and laugh or cry with someone (typically my mom). It doesn't mean being on guard 24/7, waiting for me to call or text or email. It simply means being there when I am really having a hard time of it. The same way I am there for others.
   We're all afraid of something, and to be so open and vulnerable to someone, to let them see you at your worst, isn't an easy thing to do at all. When actions aren't met with the desired response, at least for me, I immediately retreat and go inward again, opening myself up to others less and less. There seems to be a fine balance between what is and isn't enough and what is too much. 
   I'm the first one to admit that this is a forever thing. And to be perfectly honest with you, it sucks! Kind of like a marriage, for better or for worse, illness doesn't just impact the sick person. Whether we know it or not, it impacts everyone that we come in contact with. 
  Lately, I have been cussing a lot more than usual, and I really don't realize I do it. Kevin pointed it out to me today...and I felt so badly for the words that I used because this is a cuss word I never use...EVER. Thank you Prednisone for that. It is nice to have people that know you so well that they can notice even the smallest of changes in you. That's all I want. No matter how down or depressed or sick I get, I hope that those in my life can always help connect me and bring me back to myself; and can bring out other parts of me than the sick persona. Because, you know, on occasion, I can be a pretty fun person. I'd absolutely hate for illness to kill all of my good parts.
   I would like to say thank-you to those people who in my life who have truly been there, through laughter and tears, those who have allowed me to tell them that I'm having a bad day pain-wise, etc. Sometimes, it's easy to not consider help, help. To allow people to do things for you that seem totally appropriate for the relationship you have, it's easy to pass it off and not say thank-you. Some people may pass it off as "That's what friends are for" or "That's what I'm here for". But, saying thank-you shows those people how much you care and appreciate them in return for all they do for you. And I'm sure, that inevitably, as my illnesses change and evolve, what I need from others will change, as well. 
   Honestly, my children are my biggest helpers. They know that I have to have a clean environment due to my lungs being so bad. They clean everyday. They know what needs to be done without ever having to be told over and over (except for their rooms, but hey, no one is perfect). I could not accomplish even half of what I do on a daily basis without them, or Kevin for that matter. The devotion my children and Kevin have to me is truly amazing. I could not ask for anything more. And then of course, there is my mother and step-dad. Anytime I need their help with the children or need to get away for just a little bit, they are always there to help me. I appreciate just how much help and support I actually get. I am continually humbled by Kevin's willingness to be there for me through it all...even after everything we have been through together.
   Sometimes I realize that, unlike me, Kevin chose this life. He knew that I was sick before he came back into my life (he's known I have been sick most of my life), but loved me enough to keep coming back...and proving that he is here to stay. One night, when I was in the hospital, I asked him why he kept choosing to stay. He said, "I have never considered ever leaving. You are my Angelbaby and I will always be by your side. I love you." And he said it with all the emphasis on the word "love" that tells me how much he really means it. He makes it sound like loving me is like breathing, an involuntary and necessary part of his existence. In this moment, I realize just how much he truly loves me and how very lucky I am that I met this man one very cold night in December of 1998 at a Denny's. He is really the one that God made just for me.