Blessed Beyond Measure

   I love when my Kevin has the weekends off! We all get to spend quality time as a family and that means everything to me. The kids enjoyed playing in the water this morning. They played with the water-hose and had a water fight which reminds me of summers with my brother. They had a blast! Of course, they brought towels outside to help them dry off, but the irony of the entire thing is that they soaked the towels with water...so, we had to get them dry towels, which made for more laundry. Ah! The joys of parenthood. Then, Kevin cleaned and disinfected the entire house while I vacuumed and dusted our bedroom. My house is perfectly clean now...and it smells like cupcakes! My candle warmer always makes me crave cupcakes!
   I have been working aimlessly on getting all of my assignments done through the end of class. There are seven weeks of class and I am in week three. I have completed all assignments through week six. Since I will be in the hospital, I figured I needed to get my assignments completed early so that Kevin will be able to just turn them in for me while I am in the hospital. Now, I am having to work on meal preparation for while I am away. I have been searching my brain for quick and easy meal ideas so that Kevin can still manage to get to work on time and provide the kids with dinner. My best friend has offered to switch days with him and help out with the kids and switch off with him staying in the hospital with me. My mom and step-dad will also be helping with the kids until they leave for their vacation. Slowly, I am getting everything in order and making sure that Kevin and the kids have everything they need while I am away. 
   Every since I first became a mother, I have always made sure that my kids had a schedule for everything. Being sick has really changed that, but, I still try my best to keep things in order so that they can feel normalcy from their mommy. I am a very detail-oriented person. I have lists for everything. I am "that mom". I am also quite OCD in that everything has to have its place. Again, since I have been sick, that has also proven to be a challenge for me. And I have to learn how to breathe and relax when I see things out of sorts. I literally have to walk away and find a quiet place to breathe. I tend to be a bit controlling because I have fear of losing control. I don't even know if that makes sense at all. I have always had to have things a certain way or I will completely freak out and panic. Anxiety is a terrible thing to constantly battle.
   I am not really sure why, but since I got sick, I keep coming up with theories as to why my health went bad. Not, you know, real theories about the source of my illness as to why I "deserve" to be sick or the lessons I am supposed to learn from being sick. My current theory is maybe I am supposed to learn patience from all of this and that this is all karma because of my general impatience. And, yeah, I know I'm being silly here chalking it all up to karma or whatever. It's just the way my brain works- I want to have a reason, a logical explanation, something to point to as the cause. 
   It's just been so hard to keep on top of everything when you have so little energy because your heart won't stop beating at an enormously fast pace. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning because there is so much that I need and want to do, and I just can't keep up. Therefore, the bare minimum gets done just to keep my head above water. 
   My illness has made me mindful of not leaving things unsaid. When we are children we are taught that words are not powerful: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." How very untrue. I do not know how the pen is mightier than the sword, but I do know that words have the power to heal and hurt, comfort and agitate, build and destroy. And yet, we are so generous with hateful speech and greedy with our kindest thoughts and feelings. Perhaps the vulnerability that is inherent in truthfulness is more than we can bare. To admit our love and admiration for another leaves us open for rejection. And rejection breaks our fragile hearts. Or maybe we just assume people automatically know how we feel. 
   I don't really know how to tell my children, my mom, my step-dad, my brother, and Kevin how I really feel, how much I admire them. How do you put words into the feeling that comes when you look at someone and your heart feels warm and settled all at the same time? Do we even have a word for that? I suppose the greatest summation I can think of is this: You all have been amazing people that I am so proud to have in my life...to know and to love.I am so blessed to have such an amazing support system, angels that God allowed me to take care of, a man who loves me endlessly, my mother who would go to the end of the Earth and back for me, my step-father who has become such a great friend to me, and all my many friends who support me and make me laugh on a daily basis. 
   "Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure--pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return. -Luke 6:38