My body is struck with fatigue. The kind of fatigue that stops you dead in your tracks. The kind of fatigue that lets you know that if you don't find a place to lie down and sleep immediately, your body will find one for you. My body doesn't care about the where, it will drop me anywhere.
This happens about once or twice a day now. It's usually after I've been up an out for appointments (which is daily). By the time I get home and prepare dinner for the kids and Kevin, it has already been creeping up on me for hours. And then I just hit a wall and can't do "it" anymore- whatever "it" may be. I simply go to my bed and lie down and cannot find the energy to move again.
This is not normal for me. I usually push, push, push until everything is taken care of, everyone is in bed, and the day is done. I have had my kids on a schedule since they were babies. Breakfast was ready and on the table by 7:30, lunch was served by no later than noon, supper was done by 5:00, baths were taken care of by 7:00, the house was clean and in order, and bedtime was at 9:30 every single night. All of that has changed. My kids pretty much have to rely on Kevin to make sure everything is taken care of.
I wake up frequently during the night to throw up...even while I am on Ambien. The night sweats are the worst. I wake up to a pillow soaked in sweat. My night sweats have come on with a vengeance and have become far more intense and overwhelming than what I am accustomed to.
Sure, I've felt crappy. Sure, I'm struggling to manage life, the kids, my Kevin, my mom and step-dad, my friends while feeling so terrible. I wage this positive vs. negative battle with myself. In my day-to-day life, I try to be positive and upbeat because this is what is expected of me. So, it is difficult for me to give myself permission to be "Debbie Downer" in my day-to-day. And I have promised my readers to include one fond memory of mine in every blog. I truly believe that will help me in my search for peace and solitude.
I hosted Thanksgiving for the first time at my house last year. My brother and his wife and my niece and nephews came up from Lubbock, my Aunt was here, my mother and step-father came, my friend Kasey, my kids, and my foster boys all shared Thanksgiving at my house. It was one of my favorite memories because family means EVERYTHING to me. While my brother was here, mom took us to Turner Falls in Oklahoma. I felt so at peace there. My little two, my niece and nephews, my mother, my brother and his wife, and Kevin were all there. The view of the waterfall was magnificent, but my favorite part of this trip, was seeing everyone together and happy. This memory will forever be etched into my heart and mind.
Why share all of these emotions and feelings with all of you? Misery loves company? I don't think that is it at all. I feel less alone when I tell my friends how I feel, even through my blogs. What I really want to say to all of you is this: go outside and run. Feel the wind in your hair and the cool air on your cheeks. Run until you feel tired and then be grateful that your body allows you to do that. Sing at the top of your lungs, even if you cannot carry a tune in a bucket. Dance in your bedroom, take that trip that you've been dying to take, do the things that make YOU happy. Someday, you may not be able to do things that you love, so do them now, while you can. All the promises that we made to people- need to be made good on. Enjoy the ride folks...just in case we just get one.
Personally, reincarnation is looking better and better as long as I get a good and healthy gig next time. I'd like to put in an order to be a Cocker Spaniel at a reputable breeder in the United States. That way, I can get adopted into a good home and eat, sleep and play (my three favorite things besides writing). Of course, I'd have to shit outside, but I can accept that. :)
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