Learn To Be Still

   Today, while sitting at my urologist's office waiting to have my Cytoscopy, the movie "Notting Hill" popped into my brain for no discernible reason. The line that immediately popped into my head was this,"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her." The line could've come across as groveling, but Julia Roberts delivered it with such sincerity and honesty that it has always remained with me as a beautiful depiction of the vulnerability that love requires.
   Really, when you take the time to think about that line and the power behind it, what you hear her say is this, "This is who I am, this is where I am, this is what I choose." How often do we say things in this way to anyone, including ourselves?
   "This is who I am." How often can we admit who we are, right now, not who we were and not who we want to be? How often do we actually accept ourselves "as is" and expect others to do the same? This is my struggle daily. I cannot simply be the Shanna I was a year ago. I can't go back and fix things, believe me, I would. My goal now is to make peace with the Shanna that I currently am and accept that that is enough. 
   "This is where I am." Do any of us really appreciate where we are- literally and figuratively- in our lives? We are a nation that values striving, and to great benefit, but there is value in recognizing the here and now. This is the overwhelming part of my life. My here and now is confined to the comfort of my bedroom or seeing numerous doctors on a daily basis. My here and now is trying to figure out a balance to being sick, being a mommy, being a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a great friend all from the confines of home. So, I take in the moments I hear my children laughing, I feel every emotion, every single time I hear the words "I love you"...I feel it, I mean really feel it. Because, I am here now. 
   "This is what I want." It's amazing how little consideration we give to what it is we really want. There are so many other voices in our heads- all our perceptions of the expectations and judgments of others- that we simply cannot stop long enough to hear our own voice. What is it that we actually want? It took me a very long time to figure out exactly what it was that I really wanted out of life. I thought being successful was what I wanted. Now, God has really spoke to me....like I was actually still enough to hear His voice. I have everything I want. Yes, being this sick all of the time is enough to drive any sane person crazy, but I am grateful at the same time. I get to spend every waking moment with my children. I get to home-school them if not for any other reason than for the precious time it gives us together. I get to be nothing more than a mommy and a wife. I get to live in the moment. I don't get to be a part of the outside world much, working is never going to be an option for me anymore. And yes, at first, that crushed me. All I have done since I was fifteen years old is work. But then God spoke to me...and His words were clear. "Slow down...enjoy the little things, be EVERYTHING to the angels I let you borrow." This is what I want.
   So while I was sitting at the urologist's office today, I asked myself "Who are you? Where are you? And what do you want?" I prayed to God (I pray a lot these days) and said, "I know I am just one person in a world of billions, but I am a very sick mother who is not finished living yet. I would like just a little more time. It doesn't have to be a decade. I just want more time to finish everything I want to do for my children, for my Kevin, for my mother, for my family and friends. I am doing your work. Please let me finish."
   We cannot control the answers, but we can control the requests. The requests merely requires us to be fully aware of ourselves, our place in the world, and our desires.