It's Okay to Cry

   After I saw my Nephrologist, I had a breakdown. I mean, the tears would just not stop flowing.I informed him about my upcoming Thoracotomy and he informed me of even more details that I just didn't care to know. And of course, I had to call my cardio-thoracic surgeon to make sure he was correct in what he was telling me. He was. So, after surgery, they will leave the ET Tube in for two days which will be hooked up to a ventilator and I get a lovely NG Tube so that I can get some sort of nutrients while I am in ICU. I don't really understand why I have to know every detail of my surgery, but I am scared to death. I am terrified of tornadoes in a way I cannot describe to you, and this scares me more than that. So, today, I had an emotional breakdown. And yes, I really wanted my mom more than anything today.
   Someone once told me that this whole "illness process" would get easier and no longer be a part of my core identity. I am still waiting for that to happen.
   And so, I cried even more because I am just so tired of always being sick...or always having to undergo risky treatments and surgeries that have yet to work. No, I am not giving up by any means, I am simply just tired! 
   I guess the truth of the matter is that I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed. In some ways, I feel like I am being asked in every area of my life to do soul searching. And do you know what I have to say to that? ENOUGH ALREADY!!!
   I'm sick and tired of feeling two steps behind when I used to be four steps ahead.
   I'm sick and tired of feeling exhausted all of the time.
   And, I'm really sick of always getting sick even when I have been diligent with self-care.
   Maybe someday I will look back and not be able to imagine my life following any other trajectory than the one it is currently on. 
   What I've come to realize is that whether the glass is half full or half empty, it is still a glass. So whether I see my life as impossible or worth living, it is still my life.
   Though, I did have enough energy to run with my dog and play with the kids today, I still couldn't muster enough strength to cook dinner. But, I am soaking up the extra energy God gave me today because I got to spend time with my family outside of my bedroom.
   Still trying to figure out how I went from the person I was a year ago to the person I am today...but really, what good will that do? And now, my eyes are starting to close from the Ambien and all of the crying I have done today...so I will end my whining for the night! Again, thank you all who have read and shared my blogs. It's amazing that you are sharing my words...because who knows who might need them. 
   Goodnight loves....xoxo