Anxiety and Prednisone

   Even on what is considered a great health day for me, or even when I am doing something I enjoy, nothing is simple. The intensity of symptoms is usually proportionate to how much I have recently asked of my body, but I rarely get a break from symptoms being disabling in severity. Tasks as simple as getting up to refill my drink takes an immense amount of mental encouragement from the lady who lives in my brain. Between the insane amount of Prednisone I take daily and my anxiety medications; that lady is very hard to convince. 
   Since I have been off of the chemo and placed solely on high dosed steroids, I have a completely new set of symptoms that are rather agitating and almost unbearable. My anxiety levels have been off the charts here lately...and I am not sure if that is from the increase in my medicine or if that is from the plethora of health issues I have. Who knows? I suppose it could be both. My heart rate is so fast that I find it hard to sleep at night. Oh, and then there is the vomiting. I throw up at least three times in the middle of the night...and then it just turns into dry heaving. Sorry for the unpleasantness. I hate the side effects...I think the medicine is almost worse than having Vasculitis. I miss my life and I am fighting every single day to get at least some of it back.
   How my body requires me to act physically is not at all how I feel emotionally. I want so badly to get up and play with my kids. I am happy that I do get to be silly with them from the confines of my bedroom in a reclining position. Always focusing on the positive. It is such a horrible feeling emotionally when I have to tell my kids that I simply cannot play outside with them or even sit on the floor with them. We used to make it a point to play basketball all of the time....how I long to have those days back. I tend to stay focused on what I can do and ways I can be a fabulous parent to my kids despite my illness.
   During all these racing moments, I told myself the answer to hoping and accepting at the same time is being in the moment. That is where I am right now. I am living in the moment. I can't allow myself to be sad or angry at the past and I cannot spend my "moments" worried about the future; that would just be a waste of my time and time is all I have. I would like to tell you that I am always positive, but I am human and cannot be positive all of the time. Before bed, I usually find myself crying and I have learned that is okay. 
   I take note of how my illness really upsets me, understandably so, but my kids are happy with me being exactly who I am. They accept me...illness and all. During those times when my mind goes through dark thoughts, I will remember this feeling. I will remember the fact that my lows never last long before life reminds me how wonderful it is.