Zen and Perfect Karma...I am really not that interesting

This week, God has proven His love for me in more way than one. Yes, I did have another slight stroke, but I am doing 150% better now. I received the rest of my back pay on my SSI and was able to get a car. Kevin got a job that pays better than any job we have ever had. He starts on Thursday. Finally, things are starting to look up. Finally, the stress is beginning to go away.

Hospice has been wonderful, truly amazing even. They give me lots of hugs and kisses on the forehead which makes me feel like I really do matter to these amazingly kind nurses. My chaplain is the same way. Since, I cannot really get out to go to church, she comes to me and brings me communion every week.

Yesterday, with my best friends Kasey and Kourtney and with Kevin in the room, I asked her to pray to God to give me peace. Whether that mean I go home with Him, or He helps find me healing. It was a difficult prayer, nonetheless, but it was definitely a prayer that needed to be said.

While I was having seizures last night, my mom came over to sit with me. It meant the whole world knowing she was here for me. Seizures hurt more than I could ever explain in writing. They make my body feel like it is being held under something heavy and I cannot lift it up. They are hard on me, but they are also hard on my family.

I am supposed to find out if they are caused from brain mets this week. The medicine is not really doing anything to calm them down. Kasey has been learning how to handle my seizures by herself so that when Kevin goes to work, he will not have so much to worry about. I am especially proud of her for and grateful for all of her help.

I am back on steroids (yuck!). Unfortunately, the only way I can dose medicine is to see how I feel and know and trust that the medication is going to work for me and make the symptoms go away once I get the right dosage. This is true of my seizure medication if it is not brain mets, as well.

This means that I have to let myself feel bad sometimes, in order to feel better.

That got me to thinking about life in general and how this really is not any different. Sometimes you have to go though the pain and suffering to get to the other side. In real life, it's easier for me though. You make a decision that hurts you a bit bigger at one time but one that you know will make you feel better in the long run, versus staying with a lower level of hurt in the long term. Like a bad relationship. You know you should leave, but you're afraid of the initial pain, though time and time again, life has proved itself as repairable...everything always gets better...etc. Still, what's the song say, "The first cut is the deepest..."

I have had bouts with clinical depression in the past. Was actually almost hospitalized for it once. I have to watch my mood closely. It's easy to get overwhelmed. It's easy to see how much your life has changed and how much you have lost. Any 'normal' person would be depressed as it is, but to add clinical depression to it, well, it's easy to strain the boundaries.

Give yourself permission to be depressed sometimes if you’re dealing with a medical condition. We all get that way. But when the depression lingers, it can cause symptoms and side effects that might mimic problems with your conditions that are not really related to your conditions. Depression can cause lethargy, pain, tiredness, aching, sleep disorders, mood disorders and more. Be absolutely certain any depression symptoms are treated as such so you can focus on the real issues.  When my head is clear, when I’m not overcome with pain that takes my entire focus, then I realize just how much I’ve lost, how behind I am on everything I want to do, how much time has been wasted, etc… and that gets me spinning downward emotionally.

I have to make a concerted effort to remind myself that though I’ve lost a lot, I’m regaining a lot too… I focus on the good, the positive, the changes. Each time I take a step forward but then a side effect happens with a med, it’s hard not to cry. It’s hard to get your hopes up and think some drug that makes you feel good for a week is a miracle only to have it ‘settle’ down and stop working as well and you feel like you’re starting over.

Then there’s the invisible illness aspect of it, when you often look mostly healthy and people don’t know why you’re having so many problems. The invisible illnesses are tough on anyone, and autoimmune is probably one of the toughest, ’cause it just beats your body up from the inside out.

Depression is a real medical condition-it's not a weakness- it's not something you can control. Give yourself permission to ask for help. If you don’t make enough insulin, you can’t just ‘think’ yourself into making it; the same is true for the hormones and chemicals released that cause depression. Feeling better emotionally means you are stronger to take care of yourself physically too. Taking care of the depression on a physical basis and on a mental/emotional basis is an absolute must for effective treatment of any other condition.

I’ve been working on some articles about meditation and brainwave entrainment, because when you’re diagnosed with a terminal illness, you are pretty much willing to do anything to get yourself back to a place of health. It's true, you bargain and you pray (even if you're not a believer) and hope something will change, a miracle will occur, something, anything to change the diagnosis.

And meditation, practicing gratitude, being healthy, eating right, exercising in safe ways for my conditions, and just basically doing all the things I wish I had done before I ever got sick. Now, don’t get me wrong, my illnesses aren’t directly related to my not taking care of myself, but I can’t help but wonder if I had been healthier, eaten better, exercised more, practice more meditation, reached my personal state of zen, whatever zen might be, if I might have avoided getting sick.

But we can't live our lives by what if's, we just can't.

And this is how I try to live my life. To do what my spirit tells me to do, not what my body tells me to do, ’cause I promise you, my body would rather stay in bed.

Zen is defined on one website as the ultimate balance between body and soul. I’m not sure what a soul is. I’m not sure anyone knows what a soul is, but I sort of think of it as that something that makes us who we are. Our body is the vessel that carries it. What was it Roseanne said on one of her episodes of the last season of her old 80s sitcom, where the baby was born prematurely and she said, “We are not bodies with soul; we are souls with bodies.” When you treat the body, you’re really not treating the person. And though my ‘religious’ beliefs might be different from yours, I actually don’t believe this body is the end of my existence.

So I have peace about death, even if part of me fears it too.

Zen is what you achieve while alive, that balance between your mind and your body–the soul, the mind and the body. The parts of you that come together to make you who you are to yourself and others. Zen… that state of being where you’re at peace.

So yes, I meditate, not nearly as much as I should. Yes, I try to eat well. Yes, I try to exercise how and when I can. Yes, I try to be patient and loving and kind. Yes. Yes. Yes!

Not because I’m dying, but because I’m living, for the first time in years, I’m living… I’m living the life I want for myself. Sure, it’s not perfect, but it’s on that path. Because I choose it.

Don't wait until the doctor tells you you're too sick to live your life and finding your own zen. Find it now. Be who you are meant to be now.

If you made it this far, I’m impressed. What’s wrong with you? I’m really not that interesting! Ha!

Love you all and truly mean it and God loves you too,

Shanna xoxoxo

Here is the link to our Go Fund Me Page to help with medical and travel expenses: gofund.me/hope4shanna2016

Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness 

Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna