The House of the Spirits

Teaching the kids was the highlight of my day. We spent the whole day learning about multiplying integers, the life cycle of a frog, how the apostles were able to be released from jail and able to teach in the square, and indirect objects in Spanish. They were eager to learn but not as eager as I was to teach. While I taught, their daddy finished fixing the plumbing, cleaned the house, picked up Damion from work, and cooked us dinner. Tomorrow, my home health care nurse comes in so I can meet her. This will help Kevin out tremendously. And, I will be able to start rehab so I can start getting some exercise. I have lost twelve pounds in two weeks, and I am extremely happy about that.

Chilean writer, Isabel Allende (most famous for her novel The House of the Spirits) in her memoir, Paula, tells the story of her extraordinary life to her daughter Paula, as she lay in a porphrya-induced coma from which she would never awaken. I read Paula more than 15 years ago and yet a passage, a series of sentiments, recorded on page 23 have never left me, and they come back to me now more powerfully than ever. Allende tells her daughter of her past — a thing she calls her “innermost garden, a place not even my most intimate lover has glimpsed.” “Take it, Paula,” she tells her, “perhaps it will be of some use to you, because I fear that yours no longer exists, lost somewhere during your long sleep — and no one can live without memories.”

I am a lover of memories, of the past, of history. I find fascinating how some unique, charismatic figures, like Jesus Christ and revolutionary innovators like Thomas Edison and Steve Jobs altered the course of human history. The rest of us are merely swept along by the tide of events set in motion by others, past and present, and by events that are brought about by non-man-made forces (i.e., depending on one’s religious and philosophical views, God, Mother Nature or the randomness of the universe that brings about things like natural disasters and illness), forces that are entirely beyond our control. It is the stories of the rest of us that I find most intriguing and valuable — the story of the black Caribbean woman who fled her abusive husband for a New York City shelter with her three children, the tale of how an American World War II POW survived months alone drifting at sea and then years of torture by the Japanese, the saga of the incredible will to live of members of a Uruguayan rugby team whose plane crashed into the Andes in 1972, the unlikely story of one woman’s ability to live 15 years after being diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer. There are so many stories. Indeed, the truth that has been lived by our fellow human beings is much more inspiring than any fictitious yarn woven by the greatest storytellers.

But Allende reminds me that there is value in our own individual memories, our own past, our own history; after all, what are we but the product of all our experiences. Rather than looking without to find inspiration, strength and hope, sometimes we must look within ourselves to discover and discern our own story. Of course, looking within is much more difficult, for we must confront our painful mistakes, our inner demons, our fears, our weaknesses, our insecurities, our ugliness.

Although my journey has just begun, I can already say with complete certainty and conviction that is not the dark, hopeless place I feared so much.

I love what Allende says about her life and past. I feel exactly the same about mine. She describes her life as:

a multilayered and ever-changing fresca that only I can decipher, whose secret is mine alone. The mind selects, enhances, and betrays; happenings fade from memory; people forget one another and, in the end, all that remains is the journey of the soul, those rare moments of spiritual revelation. What actually happened isn’t what matters, only the resulting scars and distinguishing marks. My past has little meaning; I can see no order to it, no clarity, purpose, or path, only a blind journey guided by instinct and detours caused by events beyond my control. There was no deliberation on my part, only good intentions and the faint sense of a greater design determining my steps.

Each of us has a story. Each of us has experiences from which we can draw strength and can serve as the basis of our faith. It is just a matter of whether we are willing to dig up those often unpleasant memories, to actually glean the lessons of our history, to find the secrets of the journey of our souls. I spent years in psychotherapy doing that work, analyzing myself and my past in every minute detail in order to prepare myself for the challenges of my future. And now that the greatest challenge of my life is here, I am profoundly grateful for the work I’ve done.

Just as Allende sought to give the secret of her life story, her past and her memories to her daughter, I find myself wanting to do the same for my children. So much of what I write on this blog is for them, so that they may understand their mother, but also so that I may teach them. This is one of those teaching moments. I would never deign to tell anyone how to live his or her life, anyone that is other than my children.

So to Tristan, Kaitlyn and Damion, I, as your mother, tell you this, just in case I’m not there to stroke your hair and whisper these things into your ears. When you are afraid and overwhelmed and hurt, look within yourself and find the strength that lives within your soul. Know that my blood and the blood of all my ancestors — brave, hearty, practical peasants and entrepreneurs who endured and escaped war, poverty and famine — and all of our history flows through your veins. Have faith in yourself, in your own beauty, intelligence and strength, and know that a part of my soul, scarred as it may be but hopefully imbued with some wisdom and certainly overflowing with love for you, resides within you.

Love you all and truly mean it...and God loves you too,

Shanna xoxoxo

LUNGevity National Hope Summit: I'm participating in an event to raise money to fight lung cancer—and I need your help!
I'm planning to attend LUNGevity Foundation's National HOPE Summit in Washington, DC, in May - it's a special conference just for lung cancer survivors like me. If I can raise $1000 or more in donations, LUNGevity will cover my travel expenses, including US round-trip transportation and hotel accommodations.
Proceeds from this fundraiser will benefit LUNGevity Foundation, the leading private provider of research funding for lung cancer. LUNGevity Foundation is firmly committed to making an immediate impact on increasing quality of life and survivorship of people with lung cancer by accelerating research into early detection and more effective treatments, as well as providing community, support, and education for all those affected by the disease.
Please join me in my efforts to stop lung cancer—the leading cancer killer—now!
http://lungevity.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=15728
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