I walk in the land of the living with the oppressive knowledge of how very close we all are to the land of the dead.
I know that right now my cancer is under control and my pulmonary fibrosis is not. But, who is to say that this roller coaster will not dip down again putting cancer in the lead and that it will be the final plunge?
People ask me how I cope, knowing how very uncertain my future is. Learning to cope has been a gradual, ongoing process. First was the shock, a frozen inability to process this new reality. Then there was the grief, the acknowledgment of my lost future, all the things I had just assumed that I would get to do and see. The plans I had laid crumpled beneath my feet. But, I realized I couldn't stay in that mental space. I felt like I was wasting the time I had left here by focusing on my lost path.
So, I stopped looking down that road. I started doing what all the self-help gurus tell you. I grabbed on to the old cliche and focused on "living in the moment." It's liberating and bizarre. And I get strange jolts when I remember that most people don't live like this.
"I'll look back when I'm 80 and I'll laugh about this!"
"This will make a great story to tell my grandkids!"
I avoid thinking about my own future in any concrete terms. I can think in a general sense about the future of the world, how things might be one day. But to think about my family five years from now, sends a pang through my heart
In five years, our youngest will be seventeen years old and just about ready to go to college. Will he still have his heart-achingly gentle outlook on the world?
In five years our daughter will be nineteen. Will she still have her innocence? Will she still lean on her daddy for everything?
And in five years, my oldest will be 23. Will he still need me? Will he still give me kisses at all? Will he still be a mama's boy?
All three of my kids have the concept of living in the moment down to a marvelous, frustrating science.
Being around children forces you to stay in the present moment. The runny noses and sore tummies are so grounded in reality and immediacy that there is little room left for worry about futures that may or may not be.
Isn't part of growing up focusing on the future? Be an adult. Plan for tomorrow. Think ahead. Prepare for the rainy day. How are you supposed to do that when you know your future holds a TYPHOON??? If you focus on the storm, your today will be washed away. Who knows how long any of us has? In my case, I most likely know what is going to be the cause of my death. Does that make it different?
So, I avoid thinking about the future. At least most of the time.
It's a tricky balance. I am a mom after-all, so a big part of my job is preparing my kids for the future. How do I prepare them for a future that may not include me?
Since we are talking about life...and futures and all, let's discuss marriage for a moment, shall we? People often sagely say that "marriage takes work" and "marriage is hard". I personally think they are emphasizing the wrong thing. It's not the marriage that is hard; life is hard.
In the words of my favorite superhero, "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it."
It is hard to face all the random twists and turns that life throws at you. It is hard to be thoughtful and kind, It is hard to remember to say "thank you" for all the little things. It is hard not to take people for granted. It is hard to remember to find the joy in the small moments of life. It is hard to feel all the emotions that come with being human.
"The scene in your head is rarely the scene you are in."
All the small affronts that become looming problems in our minds can often obscure the life that is happening right in front of our noses. It is easy to read too much into an offhand remark, to assign motivation to a tone of voice. It is easy to read weary body language as frustrated, and a comment born of exhaustion as a personal attack. I have often found that when I get irritated at Kevin, it actually has nothing to do with the trash he left right beside the trashcan (although that does drive me crazy), but everything to do with how tired I am.
Being a good person is no small feat. Sometimes life is really hard.
So it only follows that marriage has all the same challenges as life. But, at the same time, it carries with it joy and partnership, love and friendship. For those lucky enough to find it, marriage becomes another one of the blissful challenges you face during your journey on this planet.
Quick update on my health today. As most of you know already, I am currently in Denton Regional Hospital and have been here since last Wednesday night. Both of the doctors that I am seeing think it is best that I go to a long-term facility. My lungs are in terrible shape, so they do not want me to go home. I have no idea how long I will be in there but I do know that it is no less than 25 days.
The pulmonary fibrosis has taken a toll on me. As I sit here writing this to all of you, I can barely keep my eyes open. I miss people. Kevin stays with me as much as he can, but I rarely get to see my kids. I know this has to be extremely difficult on them too. You know what would make this the best, if Casting Crowns stood above my bed and sang "Just be Held." I'm just sayin'. :P
Love you all and truly mean it.....and never forget that God loves you too!
Shanna xoxoxo
LUNGevity National Hope Summit: I'm participating in an event to raise money to fight lung cancer—and I need your help!
I'm planning to attend LUNGevity Foundation's National HOPE Summit in Washington, DC, in May - it's a special conference just for lung cancer survivors like me. If I can raise $1000 or more in donations, LUNGevity will cover my travel expenses, including US round-trip transportation and hotel accommodations.
Proceeds from this fundraiser will benefit LUNGevity Foundation, the leading private provider of research funding for lung cancer. LUNGevity Foundation is firmly committed to making an immediate impact on increasing quality of life and survivorship of people with lung cancer by accelerating research into early detection and more effective treatments, as well as providing community, support, and education for all those affected by the disease.
Please join me in my efforts to stop lung cancer—the leading cancer killer—now!
Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna
Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness
My Go Fund Me Page (any and all donations will help with my medical funds) gofundme.com/hope4shanna2016 
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