Christmas In All Its Splendor

   Six hours of teaching complete! I stood in the classroom and taught for a record six hours today. The kids loved every minute of it! We learned about John Smith in history. When Kaitlyn heard his name, she immediately knew who he was because of the Disney Movie "Pocahontas". Thank you Disney!

   My chest has been hurting tremendously today. I have been coughing an unproductive cough and it feels as though someone is standing on my chest. I see my Pulmonary Oncologist on Monday for the first time. Radiation was discussed both at CTCA and at my last appointment at UT Southwest. We will see what he decides. I hope I can get my immune system up so that I can tolerate treatments. My numbers have to be at a certain range before they will ever give me radiation therapy.

   I am so excited about Christmas. I was diagnosed on September 22, 2015 and in the weeks that followed there were times, mostly late at night, I quietly shed tears wondering if this Christmas would be my last. But, it looks like I will indeed get to see Christmas this year and that makes me very happy!

   Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. Of course the importance of Christmas is always at the forefront of my mind, but to me, Christmas is a yearly representation of love and kindness. I also adore sparkly things and shining lights, so American Christmas and I are indeed a perfect match!

   The best part, though, is giving to others. There is nothing better than giving the perfect gift to my kids and watching their eyes light up with joy. Thank God for giving us a Christmas Miracle this year. 

   Of course, we give to strangers too. We donate thousands of toys to less privileged children and drop pocket change- or gold coins - into red kettles. We donate pounds of canned goods so our neighbors won't go hungry, and some people even buy pet food too, so they can keep their beloved pets.

   Christmas is a yearly reminder to be a decent human being and love the ones you care for. Whether you believe in one, many, or no Gods...you must love this about Christmas. That...and the lights of course. 

   My sweet husband is home tonight and tomorrow night. He had a bit of a meltdown at work today and cried in front of his boss about his fears and my cancer. He tends to be one who doesn't really talk about things that bother him because he thinks he always has to be the optimist. He is only human...and considering the fact that I am his wife, it is only natural for him to be terrified and immensely sad. Tonight I think I will just lay in his arms and listen to him tell me all the things he is afraid of. I will always be here for him no matter what.

   I don't like the terms "fighter" or "battle" to describe my attempt to live with a terminal diagnosis. There may be a battle against lung cancer, but that is for research and funding to find treatments and cures. My disease is not something I can beat. It's not fair to call a patient a fighter, indicating that their ultimate success is dependent on how hard they try to get well. To call me a fighter is to call me an eventual failure!

   Regarding the term "survivor": I think that should be reserved for people who go through a challenging experience and emerge on the other side. I may have survived some things in my life, but lung cancer is not one of them.

   So, now I'm in a pickle. If I'm not a fighter or a survivor, what am I?

   Medically, I'm a patient, subject, and lab rat (one of my favorites). Of course, I am also a blogger/writer, a wife, a mother, a speaker, an advocate, and a friend. Maybe I'm a "cancer sherpa" or something else unique.

   Love you all, mean it,

   Shanna xoxo

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