Cancer...The Destroyer of Plans

   Today has been the epitome of a lazy Sunday. I colored most of the day in the adult coloring book that my mom bought me and then spent the rest of the day with my beautiful family. We love and cherish quality family time...and I think I cherish it now more than I ever have. Scratch that...I know I do. We may not have very much, but we make do with what we have...and what we have is a whole bunch of love for each other.

   Have you ever stopped to really look back at your life and wish you would've seen things in a different light? Not that I asked for it, or even wanted it, but cancer forces you to view the world without blinders on. There is nothing I feel like I need or even want except time. Having lung cancer makes you reevaluate your priorities in life. I met a lady this afternoon who has agreed to help my family as much as she can and she is even going to try and get our community involved. She reads my blogs (which makes me feel amazing) and has even had the experience of losing a loved one to the same cancer I have. She really is an amazing woman. When she asked me if there was anything I needed or wanted right now, I told her no. I have learned since my diagnosis that I can go without almost anything except for time. If I don't have time, I don't get to watch my children grow up, I don't get to grow old with my husband, and I don't get more time with my mom. Time is all I will ever need.

   Most of my adult life, I have been a planner. I would have a schedule for everything. The kids ate breakfast by 8, had lunch no later than noon, and supper was always on the table by 5. The kids would be all bathed and off to bed by 9 sharp. I was very strict when it came to sticking with the schedule. And then BAM (cancer enters the room with a sly look on its ugly face)!

   Ah, life. It has clearly told me that you can wish and strive for things (plan or schedule them) however, without notice, you can be forced to take a different path. Perhaps even an unpleasant one. 

   With this new understanding of how life actually is (it cannot be controlled or planned), I am struggling with how to plan my future. I want so very badly to live to 90 or even 100, yet, reading the statistics of lung cancer survival, not many make it past five years. I am determined to get more time. My cancer has not spread or grown...so right now, time is on my side and for that, I am so grateful.

   I cautiously plan, or more so accept, that I can die from my lung cancer within the next four years. This is not me giving into my cancer by any stretch of the imagination. It is just understanding and accepting my situation. I have to have plans for this as it may happen...then again, it may not. 

   Instead of focusing on planning my uncertain future, I am going to focus solely on the now. I constantly see people make decisions that are focused on the distant future. I even did this the majority of the time...but I am here to remind you that the future you have planned in your head may never come. Make sure you plan accordingly. I am doing my best to really LIVE life with what feels like a bomb inside of me with an unknown detonation time.

   I am fortunate, not because I have lung cancer, but because I have an amazing support system.  How this came to be, I am not entirely sure. I think it has something to do with me and the people I choose to surround myself with.

   It is important to me to be a good person. I say what I believe and my actions support what I say. I listen more than I speak. I am kind to all living creatures (except spiders and roaches...eek!). My motto for the last several years: "If you don't like something about yourself; change it." Or another really awesome one that is along these same lines: "If you like the way another person thinks- adopt it." It really is that simple. I am a simple girl all the way around. I love everyone and believe in second chances. 

   I have a few distinct groups that I am surrounded by. The largest group of people I have in my life are my family. They have really pulled together to support me in this battle. The next group of people are my friends...and my very long distance friends (we have Facebook as our main means of communication). And the third group; complete strangers. My husband created a Facebook page in my honor...so far 218 amazing people are supporting me. 

   For the most part, I have had these people in my life pre-diagnosis. A few have certainly come and gone. I am in a support group with fellow cancer survivors (we all are survivors from day one of diagnosis) so of course these people are new in my life. I have also lost a few friends who did not want to walk the cancer path along side of me...and that is perfectly okay. All that matters is that my support system is huge and without these people, I would have given up hope a long time ago.

   I have been living what I call my new normal life. It's a combination of things I did before my cancer diagnosis, it is called "Whatever My Body Allows Me to Do". I am doing my best to live a life that does not always include cancer even when cancer wants to take shots at me (like constantly reminding me of its existence by showing me how weak my immune system actually is: hence the pneumonia). My new normal is fun, exciting, scary, sad, and filled with more love than ever before. It is proof that I have made something good out of the cancer filled hell I am in.

   I have become more aware of God during this journey. I have realized just how much I need Him in my life. Almost every Christian song makes me cry, so I know He is working in me. He is my biggest supporter in all of this. He is the one who allowed me to have more time. He listens to your prayers and mine. And believe me when I tell you this, God answers them all. It may not be what we want or how we wanted...but in some way, He makes sure to answer our prayers. Never stop having hope...and turn to Him first. It is because of Him that I am still here to inspire all of you. <3

  Love you all! Mean it!

  Shanna xoxoxo

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