Life is a Beautiful Thing

   Last night was a total nightmare. I went to the Emergency Room in Gainesville because I was coughing, running a high fever, and I threw up a little bit of blood. As soon as I arrived, they wheeled me back quickly. They gave me fluids, some nausea medicine, and a shot of Toradol. Then, the doctor ordered a Chest X-Ray. On that X-Ray, he saw a huge mass (5 cm) on my sternum. He said it was eroding my surrounding chest tissue and this is why I could not take deep breaths (I haven't been able to really yawn in almost 3 months). He transferred me to Sherman by ambulance. Sherman (Wilson N. Jones), was too busy to help me. We waited in a room for six hours just to get sent home because the doctor actually said they were too busy. 

   My ER Doctor in Gainesville was hoping they would page my Pulmonologist and my Oncologist when he sent me there, but sadly, neither one was done. So, here I am. Sitting at home. 

   I have been sleeping most of the day simply because it just hurts so bad to breathe. It is quite tiring when you cannot breathe. My dear sweet husband helped me all day, and now that he is gone to work, my angels are helping me. God, I really feel like such a burden.

   They say "laughter is the best medicine" but when you cannot take deep breaths, sometimes "crying is the best medicine". I really do try to stay positive and hopeful but when your doctor tells you this is an aggressive cancer, it is really hard. And it is even harder to see the effect it is having on my family. I wish I could just make it go away. Make it better somehow. But I can't.

   The idea for my blog was a logical segue: perhaps I could use my own experiences with cancer and show people what it is like to have hope, and to give my family a place to go for all the latest updates. Being hopeful is a role I have embraced, and in the process, I discovered my inner cheerleader. I've even felt a little personally pumped-up- maybe this is what it is like to not be just a bench-warmer (the story of my childhood) but rather a bit of a star. Damn I am good at cancer!

   Well now it seems as if I have misplaced a bit of my mojo. Unfettered joy has now become guarded optimism. I'm still adjusting. I have got to come away with this thing with the realization that I need to refine my schtick in a way that both embraces realism and hopefulness, because frankly, I'm not comfortable with any other approach. 

   So here goes, I have Stage IV Aggressive Lung Cancer. By definition I have a very serious and terminal illness. Perhaps I represent what Stage IV Cancer looks like. As I get in line for another miracle, it's not so very different from running a marathon. I am prepared both physically and mentally to go the distance, but when it gets tough, when I am tempted to quit, I will think of those both ahead of me and behind me on this course and I will hear the shouts of encouragement from the sidelines. I will know that I am not alone, and I will keep going. Because just over the finish line is the prize I so covet. Life, sweet life; another morning and another night with my family. 

   Many people have asked me what it is that sustains me. I will tell you that faith is my biggest reason for continuing on, but there are other reasons I keep fighting. First and foremost, love. It goes without saying (but I love to say it!) that I love life. I also love love. And I believe in love. I believe it's one of the coolest tricks we humans can do. And talk about magic; perhaps it's the only thing in the universe that the more you give, the more you get. 

  So, that is what sustains me, My faith, the love of life, my family and friends. And as I choose to believe that all people are essentially good, I love all those people I have not met yet. 

   That has been one of the very best aspects of life and breath for me: through their comments, many people have joined hands and hearts, and by doing so, have created a community. A sustainable community of love caring and understanding. And that's a beautiful thing.