I think I am starting to either catch a cold or that I have an ear infection. I have been running a really high fever and just feeling plain crummy all day. It better go away before tomorrow because I really need to get treatments started. Blah! It also could just be the cancer that is making so tired. In other news, I must tell you all about my amazing dog.
When I try to get up out of my bed (it is really low to the ground), my dog sits and waits for me to hold on to her collar and then she starts walking a little to help lift me up. We trained her to help me...and she is amazing because she knows that mommy needs a little extra help. She is also quite spoiled. She gives you the sad dog eyes when she wants a treat...and of course we give it to her.
My wheelchair has become the kids' new toy. They love pushing each other around the house in it. My oldest thinks he needs one just so he doesn't have to walk! HA! Teenagers! I think my kids play with my wheelchair more than I even use it.
A new day is a good day. Upon first awakening, I roll over and I thank God for giving me one more day. I do a little dance in my bed because I am alive. Carpe' Diem...I definitely try and seize the day.
Some days, I grapple with it. I would be less than truthful to imply that there have been any sustained passages of time where everything ran smoothly. I crave order but court chaos.
My desire to think positive is sometimes subjugated to my need to think possible; as in all possible outcomes. To prepare myself for whatever comes. But if you spend too much time trying to see what lies ahead, you may miss the very moment you are in.
My depression has been quite active for the past week or so. I might have to ask my doctor to change anti-depressants (the Celexa just doesn't seem to cut it).
Life hasn't become easier or less tragic. What has changed is my perspective; the lens through which I view it all.
I believe that the primary reason for fear is simply confronting the unknown. Cancer scared the shit out of me until I started living with it. Now it has become my new normal. Quite frankly, death is my familiar too. I've certainly thought a lot about my own mortality. And cancer has taken those I care about on a far too regular basis.
My husband and my mother are worried that I am going into severe depression (my dark place). In truth, I do have a sense of going down a tunnel from which there is no turning back.
But, I now trudge willingly and without fear (a realistic dose of sadness is another story). It is my path and not without beauty. I've made the decision that I wish to be completely and emotionally present; without any filters.
Having a terminal illness has given me access to an enhanced existence as well as introduction to an amazing array of fellow travelers. We may have lost a bit of our innocence, but in turn we tend to travel light, be very clear eyed and sure footed, and share a tendency to seize every day we are given. Our relationships quickly achieve an emotional intensity and intimacy that wastes little time, and in general, we taste of life deeply. Truth, which does not avoid a very real connection to mortality, has set us free (I refer here not just to those who have cancer, but to friends, family, and caregivers as well).
This morning, I was up at 6 A.M. before the sun rose. I wanted to hear the morning sounds that so peacefully put me at ease. My husband and I were sitting on the back porch, drinking coffee...and I was just basking in the birds songs, the leaves blowing, and the beauty of my huge old oak tree. I believe when you have a terminal illness or an illness of any kind, you actually stop and appreciate every little sound and magnificence that God created. You never take these precious moments for granted again.
When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I felt as if my body had not only let me down, but actually turned on me. Some of my own DNA had gone rogue, grabbed some prime real estate in my lungs, and set up headquarters.
Physically and emotionally it has taken quite a toll. My body has been a battleground and I am scarred both inside and out. This could be potentially distressing, as we live in a beauty and youth oriented society where great measures are taken to avoid the imperfections associated with aging and disease.
I am not afraid of getting old. As a matter of fact, I hope to hell that I do. And I made peace with myself some time ago. Not only is all forgiven (the whole cancer thing), I have an abiding affection for this body of mine. We've been through a lot together, and somehow, someway, we both just keep on going.
It must be love.
2 Corinthians 4:15-16All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the Glory of God. 16. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
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