Yesterday started out to be a wonderful day. It was a cold and rainy day filled with cuddles and lots of Investigation Discovery. And then, just like that, everything changed.
Kevin had gone to the store to pick up some things we were out of. No sooner had he pulled back into the driveway and closed the garage, there was a knock on our door. If only we would've known who was knocking, we wouldn't have answered the door.
Kevin answered the door and there he stood. The Big Bad Wolf had come to repossess my car. So, before we allowed him to take the car, my husband called our loan company. They said if we made a $171.00 payment, we could keep the car.
My mom and step-dad gave my husband the money to pay this fee, they drove him to Hell-Mart so he could Western Union the money, and by the time he got back home, the collections department had closed. So, our car was repossessed anyway. Cancer sucks!
I say that, not only because it is the truth, but also because here I am unable to work, and my husband had to miss out on 2 weeks of work because of my stupid cancer. If I had never have gotten sick again, none of this would've happened. I hate my immune system! I am so devastated, humiliated, and just so infuriated because our loan company and the repo guy could not be patient (all for $171.00).
I worked my ass off for that car. I will never forget the day I drove off the lot with my car. You see, this car was the first brand new car I had ever owned. I honestly had never felt so much pride as I did when I got approved for my car. That was over a year ago when I was healthy and had the best job I had ever had in my life. I am so hurt by the loss. Now, I have to pray that I can get it back or I will not be able to get to all of my doctors appointments.
Material things are just that...material. They can be replaced. However; when your appointments are over 2 and 5 hours away from home, and you have zero ways to get there, then a car becomes your life saver (literally). What a shitty day yesterday turned out to be. Now I have to figure out how to pay for it to get it back. Cancer fucking sucks and no I will not apologize for my use of foul language because cancer honestly ruins everything.
I am feeling so overwhelmed today. Yet, I am trying to maintain my anxiety all at the same time (all while being back on 60mgs of Prednisone). I know that God has something big planned for my life, I just wish that sometimes He wouldn't take such a long time to reveal it.
My kids cried because they saw mommy crying. I wish I could just protect them from everything, especially adult everythings, but I can't, and you have no idea how much that kills me. Even without my car and all of the sadness, I am going to make the best out of this day.
The kids are all doing their chores and I am about to start cooking for our Thanksgiving tomorrow. I am also making my homemade chili tonight. Nothing like comfort food to turn a crap day into a wonderful day. Mom is bringing over some groceries for my chili. I honestly don't know what I'd do without her.
Cooking makes everything better. It is my second way to relieve stress, the first is writing.
It has been 68 days since I received my diagnosis. And in that 68 days, I have received no treatments but have lost so many things since being diagnosed. I live with no Wifi (I know all of you are wondering how on Earth I am surviving), no car, and I have lost my dignity. If I have cancer, at least give me treatments so I have something to show for all of my losses!
I just pray God will grant me the patience I will need during this journey as I know things will change quite often. So many emotions all at the same time - I am still learning what my new normal will be as I continue on this journey.
As a mom, the hardest thing I had to do was to tell my 3 children I have cancer and how it it would impact all of us. Maternal instinct provides protection, not sadness. I have been able to tell them details over the course of the past few months, and, in small doses. Luckily, for me, my children have risen to the occasion and showed me how much they love and support me. While I selectively provided them with the information over the course of a few weeks, the fact is, they are still my children - my babies. I am their mother and I am causing them to suddenly, and seriously, think of a time without me in their lives. I know they are thinking and thinking and thinking. Each of them will call on me at various times of the day, staring with, "Mom, can I ask you a question." Each of them, within their own personality, asks me different questions with different tones in their voice. Having given birth to these wonderful human beings, I know each of them, and know how to answer each question as asked by each individual. While each child will always get an honest answer, I know which ones want the details. I know which ones not to give details to. Love and Honesty! Optimism and Realism. That is what this journey will be. That is what this journey has to be! I cannot allow the losses to shrink my optimism or I will lose the biggest battle...my life.
Since my diagnosis I now refer to my life as "life interrupted". I can still remember sitting in the hospital, staring at my surgeon and being unable to process what was really going on. My entire life was turned upside down in a day.
My mother and step father never cease to amaze me. From the moment we heard the news, their sole focus has been on how we will beat this together.I feel blessed everyday to have them working with me and feel entirely confident that they will do everything in their power to help me win. My husband is just as amazing.
I have so many people in my corner and for that I am truly blessed and grateful. I cannot help but get depressed from time to time. God really is in control and I have to allow Him to drive (my control issues always tend to get in the way). I know He knows that I cannot get treatments without a car, so I am confident in Him that He will bless me in an amazing way soon. But...until then, might I just say once more that cancer fucking sucks!
Love you all and truly mean it. Thank you for reading my blogs. You have know idea how much it means to me to see that over 100 people come to my page every day to read what I have to say. I am honored.
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