Damion tends to hold things in. He tries to act tough and he tries to act like nothing bothers him. Today, he let it out. Today he laid in my lap and cried because he understands what Stage IV Cancer is. He understands that his mother is literally in the fight for her life. He knocked a hole in the wall because he is angry at the world. He told me that this simply isn't fair...and ya know what? He's right! This is a fucking sham of a deal! I wish I could just kiss him on the head and promise him beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am going to be okay...I can't and that kills me.
I have slipped into depression. I sleep most of the day and a lot of that comes from the fact that it is hard to breathe...but then the rest of that stems from the depression. I would rather sleep than face this. We are a one income family waiting on my disability to hurry the hell up. While we wait, we get further and further in debt...and I blame it all on me. If I had never gotten sick, we would not be struggling the way we are. I cannot take all of this stress. I want to scream so loud. I want to wake up and find out that all of this was just one really shitty nightmare. I know that isn't going to happen. I pray for healing....for peace...and I pray that my family can simply afford to make it through a month.
Cancer is one of the most devastating things that can happen to a family. You are hit with all the "what if's" and "why me's"...and really, there are no clear answers. The only answer that is clear is that you have cancer and now your life is changed indefinitely. Oh...and cancer is not cheap. And then there is the whole stigma if you have lung cancer that it is all your fault. Yes, that's right. I am one in a million people who smoked. But, more people that smoke than not, do not end up with lung cancer. Like I said in my blog yesterday, we all make poor decisions sometimes...but that doesn't mean that any of us deserves cancer.
If I do not survive this...what will my children do without me? Can't you see God...they cannot live without me! You are not allowed to take me just yet! They still need me!
I have decided to go to Baylor in Dallas so that my mother can be there for my treatments as well. As much as I would love to go to Cancer Treatment Centers of America, I cannot afford it even with insurance. They are out of network and there is no way I am going to be able to raise 4 grand before the 26th. I have heard great things about Baylor...so now we just have raise enough for lodging and travel expenses...and anything that insurance may not cover. I wish that I was independently wealthy because then I would not have to rely on the kindness of strangers to help with my care/
Have you seen some of the idiotic requests on Go Fund Me? Some person raised 8 grand for their dog, another person raised 30 grand for a vacation....that is ridiculous, No wonder people have become so hesitant to give anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I live a life between real life and fiction. It is a strange reality to live in and life sometimes seems so blurry...much like it has today. I think part of what makes my life seem so unreal is that I live in a juxtaposition of things. I spend my days with my three adorable kiddos who are so full of life and then my extreme fatigue hits me...bam back to reality. I look and sometimes feel relatively normal but I know that my odds of being around in four years from now are less than 1% (if you believe in statistics, which some say are inaccurate because of how quickly things are changing). Thank you research!
I haven't gone into the horrible prognosis of this disease with my little two, largely because I do not accept as an absolute truth myself. There are people who have lived with this disease for years. Who's to say that I am not going to be one of them? How would learning the word "terminal" now help these small beings deal with an enormous grief that may not happen until quite a ways down the road?
Some people believe...that if someone you love very much dies, that person's spirit can come back and visit. You won't be able to see or touch, but you may be able to sense this loved one. I am able to sense my grandmother.
But is that real?
Some people think so...and I happen to be one of the people who believes that.
I do not believe that my future is a foregone conclusion. I cling to hope and all the possibilities that hide in the unknown.
Life changes when you no longer assume that you have an endless string of tomorrows. It's not that I don't mind talking about all of this cancer stuff, it just seems to shake people up a lot and then I feel bad that I have upset them. No one likes my answer when I tell them the prognosis is not good. I remain perpetually optimistic, but my situation has radically impacted my thinking. Sometimes I feel like I am in some alternate reality, where future plans are forever unstable and all that really matters is this present time.
And then I think, this may be how life really works.
Please if you can...here is the link to my Go Fund Me. It would make a huge impact and difference in my care.
https://www.gofundme.com/hope4shanna
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