I have no idea how we went from an autoimmune disease to lung cancer, but here we are. I was getting some high powered drugs for said autoimmune disease too. Did these drugs cause my cancer? I doubt it since these tumors were already present on my lungs before I began my treatment. I am still in a state of shock that I have lung cancer, let alone stage IV.
This particular cancer is not curable but can be treated. It does not respond to chemo but because I have so many tumors, chemo and radiation are not completely out of the question. I am in the anger stage of the grieving process...I think. This just isn't fair. I have three children who need me very much. The good news, however, at most points when I talk to God, I get an overwhelming sense of peace and love. These are the things that get me through the day.
I am going to fight like hell to beat the odds...with my support system and the help of God. I cannot beat this alone, but I did promise my children that I would never give up. It was the hardest conversation I have ever had because I could not promise them that I would make it. I don't break promises..
I am in so much pain today. I know I am still healing from the surgery. I realize I am moving slower than I ever have before. I also realize that I am becoming more and more depressed....and I am praying for comfort. I just want to cry...or feel something. Yet, it seems like the more I want the emotion to pour out of me, it stays stuck inside. I am so frustrated.
I don't have control over this cancer. It's not God's fault, it's Satan's way of making me doubt my faith. I have yet to doubt my faith...but I have asked "why me?". I know that is unhealthy. There are some days that are harder than others and I may come close to losing my faith, but I refuse to lose my faith and hope in God. I believe He is always in control. As hard as it for me, and totally not in my nature, I just need to let go and let Him take care of things. After-all, that is what faith is, right?
I still cannot accept this diagnosis. I have been through every other phase of grieving but acceptance. In the beginning,I was so positive and because I was actually in denial. I thought, I am going to be fine...I will get over this quickly and life will go back to normal.
Then came the anger...which I keep going back to on occasion....like today. I was angry that this happened to me. I was angry, that chances are, I will not get to see my children grow up or grow old with my husband. That is devastating. I brought these three wonderful beautiful people into this world, spent my life taking care of them every day, and now, I may not be around to watch them grow up. It is bad enough that I have to stay away from them when they are sick. I am still angry and will always be angry about cancer taking this away from me.
After the anger came the bargaining....I thought, maybe if I got a second opinion, I could get better. Or maybe if I were a better person, things would somehow be different. Somehow I was going to be okay. I think bargaining and denial are a lot alike.
Finally, acceptance. I think I am finally getting there slowly. I have realized that this disease is not going anywhere until there is a cure. I am not going to live a long life if there is no cure. I can't think of much else anymore but the cancer.
Please don't tell me to stay positive or keep my head up. I had to vent tonight. I don't have many people I can talk to. At the age I am, with this prognosis, I think I am entitled to a few nights of venting. Everyone says, "Just keep hanging on...maybe there will be a cure." Well, there isn't one yet. I hope there may be one in the future, but right now, my future looks bleak. I am so tired of crying but the tears don't come out. I am so tired of trying to pull myself out of this funk. I smile on the outside...everyone sees me happy in public. But, once I am home and left alone with my thoughts, the depression eats me alive. I have to have my time to wallow.. I am living in a world that is full of life, I just don't feel like I am part of the living right now. Yet, I am not dead. It is truly the worst feeling in the world.
Keep your focus on God and giants will crumble, if you focus on the giants, then you will stumble. Cancer is my giant. But God is bigger than cancer.
I know I am usually upbeat and positive, but this is how I am feeling at the moment and expressing my feelings is what this blog is all about. Documenting the journey, keeping the faith.
That being said, I am thankful for the time I have now and will continue to have. Some days are really just harder than others. It could be worse for me, so sometimes I feel selfish even thinking this way.
God has a plan for us all, even though it may not make sense now. I continue to Hope for that cure...because you cannot have Hope without Faith!
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
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