God is Bigger

Thoracotomy...complete. I arrived at the hospital at 6:15 A.M. on Tuesday. The hospital could not find my orders, so I ended up staying until 8 A.M. in registration before they finally called me up to the surgery floor. Then, the lab called me down because they had to do pre-op here before I could have the surgery. This took another hour and a half....but I did find out that I am O positive. Anyway...to make a long story just a little bit shorter, they began my surgery a little after 11 A.M. I know mom and Kevin were pacing, but I was in LaLa Land (teehee). 

        The great news is that I did not need to keep the trach or vent in because my lungs were working well enough after surgery to not need them. One victory!! 

        I know...you read it too. The great news...well that is usually followed by not so great news and you could not be more correct in your assumption.

        I have lung cancer and I have Vasculitis. She sent off my biopsy to the Mayo Clinic in Kansas for staging and classification. Ah! I totally did not see that coming. I knew my body is riddled with Vasculitis...but CANCER?! I was slapped hard in the face with that one.

        I am still in the hospital...which by the way, is amazing! The nurses are so kind and charismatic. I have cried with three of them so far. I love the compassion that they feel for their patients. You do not get this level of compassion or kindness just anywhere anymore.

        They have me on Oxygen 24/7 and I am on the Morphine Drip (I get to give myself doses every ten minutes lol). I have been walking the halls to gain my strength. I cannot wait to go home to my babies. I am missing them like crazy. 

         A lot has happened since I have been gone! Damion got a job at Wal-Mart! I am so proud of him! He has called me twice today being nicer than he has been to me in years. I am so blessed and truly grateful for him. He has been going down a trodden path but...when I had this surgery, I think it really woke him up. I am such a proud mother. <3

        So, what's next for me, now that I have cancer? I keep on fighting. I fight back even harder. I am just now fighting two big huge battles...but nothing is too big for God. 

         I do not hate my cancer. Am I afraid of it? Yes. Before this diagnosis of cancer, I had already filled out a living will and power of attorney...so I am set, medically-wise. Emotionally...it just has not hit me yet. Yes, sure, I have cried with my nurses, but I haven't really cried with my family. To be honest, I have very little family that calls or seems to care really. Which is why I always talk about my mom, her husband, my brother and his wife, and my husband and kids. As far as family goes...they are really about all I have. And I am okay with it just being them. 

        Courage kind of has to go along with the territory of cancer and vasculitis. I think Eleanor Roosevelt said it best: "You gain strength, experience, and confidence by every experience where you really stop to look fear in the face...You must do the thing you cannot do". I am resilient. I am strong! 

        The nurses here think I am like SuperWoman or something (shhh....only you guys know I really am but I have to keep my identity hidden). I am going to kick cancer's ass so hard it will not know what hit it. And as far as vasculitis goes...I have time on my side. You will not break or destroy me either.  

        At the center of God's revelation is not a secret about how to live a lengthy, self-sufficient and secure life. We've been united to Christ by the Spirit to follow the way of the crucified Lord. On this path, we do not seek out suffering for its own sake, but we do expect for the God of Jesus Christ to be active in the most unlikely places; on the path of suffering, on a path hidden from the light of worldly glory.

        We are a people who take up our crosses to follow Christ. And this is not a joyless path!

        Instead when we follow the path of prayer with the psalmist, we shed tears of joy and celebration as well as tears of lament. Lamenting and Hoping in God with the psalmist is a practice that runs counter to our consumer culture. Rather than soaking in self-satisfaction or self-pity, in these seasons of sorrow we find our affections reshaped by God — we delight in what delights God, we grieve over what grieves him. It is a joy that is bigger than cancer.