Today was a Great Day!

   Today I had the energy of my wild eleven year old! I was like Super-Woman on crack! I was able to not only wash and dry four loads of laundry, but, I was also able to fold and put them away. That's the first of many major accomplishments I have made today. I helped my little man sweep the floors and showed him the proper way of sweeping. He feels like he is achieving so much when he learns new things. I helped my daughter clean her room (she is a mess but so was I when I was her age). I was able to cook my family a delicious meal and sit down at the table to eat it with them. Then, I rinsed off all the dishes and put away the food so that my oldest son would have an easier time of doing the dishes. I managed to write six papers for class and lead my CLC group for our research project. I even managed to have the energy to drive to my mom's and help her fix her phone. Today...today was one of the best days I have had in a long time. 
   Of course, Sunday's are supposed to be lazy days but when I feel like I have energy to actually do something, I take full advantage of it. Kevin tells me I push myself too hard, and he is probably right, but I am not used to being a recluse either. I keep thinking that though I may have many bad days, my good ones completely void the bad ones. I feel invincible and like myself again when I have high-energy days. 
   I have learned ten things about having a chronic illness (well probably a ton more than that, but I am only going to list ten) that I would like to share with all of you:

1. Getting all of the rest I need does not make me lazy. Even when I am not moving, my body is expanding a huge amount of energy on powering its overactive immune system, and on defending itself from the subsequent pain and inflammation. So while many times it may not look like I am doing much, I'm still probably doing more than most others.
2. No matter how much it hurts, I still have to find a way to move. 
3. If I'm going to be in pain, I might as well be doing something I enjoy. I may not be able to do certain things like I used to be able to, but chances are, I can still do more than what I thought possible. Learning this lesson, firsthand, is priceless for my mind, body, and soul.
4. And for those moments when it's just not possible to do something that I enjoy, cancelling at the last minute is perfectly acceptable. I'll be honest, and I'll be able to tell you the exact reasons why I am not able to participate. Please do not take it personally...I'm just as disappointed, if not more, than you are.
5. If you are a doctor or a healthcare worker, you must earn my respect. I, the patient, will work just as hard to earn yours. I will ask tons of questions, and I will listen to what you have to say. When it comes to treatment options, though, I will be the final decision maker (after all, nobody knows my body better than I do).
6. Achieving acceptance is hard (I used to think that doing so meant "giving up). Just when it feels like I've accepted everything there is about my illness, something pops up and I will deny everything, all over again. With chronic illness, I don't think there is such a thing as "complete acceptance"...there's just a continuous journey, back and forth, between denial, acceptance, and a plethora of other emotions.
7. No matter how bad I am feeling, no matter how much pain I am in, it's NOT okay to take out my anger and frustrations on other people, especially those who are close to me. Yes, it's fine-sometimes even healthy-to feel angry and frustrated...but I have to know how to release this energy in a way that doesn't harm myself, or others around me.
8. Never, ever, compare my pain and illness to others. My illness is mine, and mine alone. I'm completely entitled to feel everything-emotions, symptoms, and otherwise-that results from living with my illness. I am entitled to feel everything, that is, except shame.
9. While a positive attitude isn't going to cure me of my illness, it's certainly going to make it easier to overcome the challenges that I encounter on a daily basis. Yes, I do have occasional periods of doom and gloom...but I make it a point to pass through them as quickly as possible. The mind is a powerful tool and I must use it to my advantage.
10. Just when it feels like my world is going to fall apart, the best thing for me to do is sit down and take a deep breath. And another one. And another one...until I realize that everything is really going to be okay.

   Yesterday was a miserable day for me emotionally...and I just needed a reality check to remind myself that however lousy vasculitis is, that there are people out there coping with much much more than I am. Sometimes, it's as easy as getting love letters from my children to snap me out of the depression (which is the coolest thing in the world!). And of course, chocolate always helps, until it hits my hips of course. 
   I seemed to rejoin the land of the living today, albeit in small doses and small ways. I know that my old life is gone. The Shanna that darted from one activity to another with boundless energy no longer exists. I often think of my old self as a hummingbird, colorful and busy, flapping its wings wildly and darting to and fro sucking every last bit of juice out of life. I loved that version of me and I do miss her, but she simply doesn't exist anymore...and I have come to accept that part of my life. 
   Now I realize I am like the hawks, minus the gracefulness, watching and waiting and discovering that joy and love and happiness are all still available and I no longer have to chase after them or create them anymore. I just have to be patient and aware and these happy moments will come...like today.