Live and Let Live

   After visiting my Primary Care Physician today, I learned that I have paroxysmal atrial tachycardia with mitral valve involvement. Basically, this just means that my heart-rate is very high because of the inflammation in my blood vessels. So, I am awaiting a phone call to be seen by a Cardiologist. It seems like every time I go to the doctor anymore, I just get bad news. My heart-rate was at 186 BPM and my BP was at 101/62 today, which really makes no sense to me at all. All of this is tied into my vasculitis. 
   I did get good news though! After a year of fighting for my SSDI and Long-Term Disability, I finally got approved. I got approved because of the upcoming surgery and because of my heart condition. This is a HUGE relief to my family. This means that some of the stress will be lifted from my household because we will have enough money to pay our bills on-time and Kevin won't have to work so much overtime. And, I feel like I am actually helping. I am not used to not being able to work, so this makes me feel extremely accomplished. 
   I put on real clothes and make-up today, and even fixed my hair. I think I used all of my spoons just doing that, but, at least I can say I accomplished them, nonetheless. I folded more laundry and put them away but my heart-rate wouldn't allow me to do much else. So, the kids' first day of school will be tomorrow. I am determined to get up and find enough spoons to teach them before I see my nephrologist tomorrow.
   I did finish all assignments through week seven for college, and am working on getting my grade-book, quizzes, and tests completed for the kids. I am hoping that I can find the strength to cook dinner tomorrow night as the family is craving my delicious homemade spaghetti. I feel a little more relaxed today than I have the past couple of weeks, so I am relishing in that. 
   The whole concept on "premature aging" pretty much sucks, but learning to accept your own fallibility, is unfortunately, a valuable lesson to learn. And, I'm not sure that there are ever enough tears that can be shed or that we can ever truly accept the fact that we are only human.
   Fighting for control in a situation that you have absolutely no control over is like fighting for air with a plastic bag over your head. The truth is, I haven't exactly taken the bull by the horns with the little part that I do have control over. I am just not that good at the self-care part.
   Heal thyself. Live and let live.Breathe in and out. God will take care of the rest.