Most of the time it is hard for me to follow many thought processes and my brain is scattered (I truly think this is from all the drugs I am on). I do my best to stay on one straight revered path of thinking, but then it seem to get skewed (which is another reason I blog...to get out the randomness). My surgery is on my mind quite a bit and that may also contribute to the infamous "brain fog". I am trying to figure out easy meals that Kevin can have prepared, since he works overnights, while I am in the hospital. I am also trying to figure out what to do with the kids when he is working and getting our budget in order so he doesn't have so much to worry about while I am there. I just have so much on my mind. But, that is normal for me (yeah! one piece of normalcy). I worry about pretty much everything...which I am having to learn slowly how to let go of the things in which I cannot control.
Dr. Chappell's office called today and scheduled my Pulmonary Function Test and Cat Scan of my lungs for September 3rd. Then, I go see her on the 8th and that is when we will schedule my surgery. It will either be that week or the following week (the anxiety is really kicking in). They will have to do a lung resection and she is hoping that she will only have to do a wedge (which means they have to remove a portion of my lung) because they have to remove the masses and part of my lymph nodes. If my heart-rate stays high even after they continue to wean me off the Prednisone, she said she would make sure I didn't have a valve issue. Monday, I go see my Primary Care Physician so he can refer me to a Cardiologist before I have my surgery, and then Tuesday, I see my Nephrologist to make sure my kidneys are still working well. I have so many appointments I have to try and keep up with; it really is quite overwhelming. I also have to see a Neurologist on the 3rd so they can get an MRI done of my brain because they found two granulomas on my Pineal and Pituitary Glands a few years ago. They need to make sure this is not part of my vasculitis. Kevin is having a Colonoscopy done on the 31st of this month to make sure he doesn't have Colon Cancer since both of his parents lost their lives to Colon Cancer. So...August and September are going to be absolutely crazy months! And don't even get me started with October!
Damion turns 18 on October 8! If you are a mother, you will understand just how terrified I am of him moving out and leaving the nest. I know they have to grow up, and I know they have to experience life...but why did it have to happen so quickly? Damion has always been my rock. His humor and his quick wit have saved me on many occasions. My grandmother used to tell people that he was her baby. He was an awesome baby! He was the easiest of all three of my kiddos. He has truly turned out to be a great young man. I just hope he finds what it is he is looking for and learns to love who he is. And I also hope, that he will find God again. He is still trying to figure out the world and since my grandmother passed away (they were extremely close), has completely pulled away from God. He questions how a God that is supposedly so loving can allow sickness and death. These, I believe, are normal questions for all humans. I have faith that one day, he will once again be led to God...but until then, I will accept him just the way he is....always.
I have always had a belief that each of us is called to be the most decent, honest, and loving person that we can be and that the journey towards becoming that person in and of itself is an ethereal journey. Unfortunately, the journey makes no promises about one's ultimate destination or state of affairs. We want good things to happen to deserving people, and bad things to befall evil people. Perhaps we cling to notions of heaven and hell so much because they seem to tidy up something that is a rather large mess: making sense of our existence on this planet where disparities of wealth, resources, love, basic sanitation, food, water, and a myriad of other needs are so wide and deep. At times (especially now), I have clung to the notion of heaven and hell just to have the hope that everyone ultimately receives their just rewards.
Over years of my illness, and especially after the last year, I have been aware of the difficult and pain-staking journey that I am on (never knowing what to expect next). Looking back, I realize how much I have learned about myself, my loved ones, marriage, motherhood, faith, friendship, and love. It has been an extraordinarily difficult journey and I have wished it away many times, but I am grateful for it nonetheless. I feel as though I have grasped some important truths during these past few months that had previously eluded me.
I spoke to my mom today for over an hour...we usually only talk for fifteen minutes at a time. I told her just how overwhelmed I am and that I just wish for my old life back. I told her how guilty I feel for not being the mother that I used to be (being able to play with the kids as often as I used to) and just how much that kills my spirit. She told me that my kids will always understand. Her mother had to be away for six weeks to care for my mom's sister who passed away when she was eight. My grandmother was a wonderful mother and though she had to be away for that time period, her six other children fully understood and loved her anyway. That's the thing about kids...they love you regardless. They love you no matter what. They love you through everything and their love is never-ending. So even though I am unable to do the things I once was able to do, they are going to love me through it...they will love me anyway. And I will spend every single moment relishing their pure and innocent love. They will never fully grasp how much they mean to me. They will never understand what I mean when I say they truly saved my life...but I hope they will always feel just how much I love them.
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