Most of the burden falls on Kevin. Who should by all accounts and measures, win the Olympic Gold Medals for spouses/daddies. My mom and my step-father should also win a medal as they help me out as much as they can.
But, that's the definition of family and good friends, right? People who help you when you need it, whether you ask for it or not.
And then of course, there are my really amazing friends who live in the Internet. During my last hospital visit, I received a wonderful bouquet of lily's and roses from a friend of mine, Owen, I had only known from Facebook. He sent them to me from Australia. Another friend of mine also sent me a beautiful bouquet of roses. And then there was my friend Denise, whom I have also never met in person, but she sent me a pampering gift basket. All of these things truly made my stay in the hospital a little easier. It is honestly just mind-boggling the amount of great friends I truly have.
And with all that these people are doing for me (Layla taking us all on go-carts for free, my friend Summer who I never met showed up and surprised me), I just have to learn "yes, thank you!" more often. And gracefully accept their kind offers, particularly when they are making it clear that helping us is something they want to do.
I've been sick now for exactly a year. It is honestly getting old, both for me and my family. I am so weary of being asked how I feel, and yet I know it's just from people who truly care about me and are asking and hoping for at least a little bit of good news. Believe me, I am hoping for good news too.
The hardest part- I think- is not really understanding what is happening to my body. I get that my small blood vessels are being attacked and that is causing my organs to become affected. With vasculitis, you just never know when it is going to hit that point of no return. That is truly the scariest part of my disease.
And then there is the guilt I feel for being sick all of the time. I am just so damn tired of being sick. Yes, I am going to throw myself a small pity party here. There are so many things I want to do but my body simply won't allow me to do them. I am so mad that I could scream. This disease is stealing precious moments from me...it is stealing precious moments from my children and Kevin....and it is stealing moments from my family. So, yes...I am just damn sick of it all!
I've been more depressed here lately and have taken to weeping on Kevin's pillow while he is at work. I suppose that is why my doctor upped my Celexa dosage. Hopefully, I will begin feeling the effects of my medicine in a positive way. The depression stems from the fact that I am unsure of anything anymore. I basically live in an extremely disinfected bubble. NetFlix sure does get boring sometimes. When Kevin is working, my mind is racing. I feel lonely and I know I shouldn't. I just want my phone to ring. I want someone to call and talk to me for hours just to help break up the monotony of this house.
So far, my vasculitis has spread to my lungs, sinuses, heart, joints, and possibly my GI Tract. Apparently, my vasculitis is very aggressive in nature and fast spreading. When my doctor told me it is treatable, but not curable, I broke. I was scared. I cried. Time is unknown due to how fast the vasculitis will take apart my organs one by one. This is why the open-lung biopsy is crucial. A million things could have run through my mind, but all I could see were the faces of my children, my mother, and Kevin. I honestly don't want to die.
Illness doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care how old you are. It doesn't care if you have children who love you and need you, or a husband/wife that would be destroyed if they lost you. Vasculitis is an ugly thing, and I hate it. But, at the same time, I am thankful for the changes I have made in myself since receiving my diagnosis. I am happy. I am in love with life and make it a point to thank God for every new day He allows me to live it.
After accepting a closer walk with my Savior, I am not afraid of death. I know exactly where I am going when I take my last breath. It will be easy. Peaceful. I will walk...no, run into the arms of my Father. I still can't wrap my mind around it, and I am not sure I ever will, really. But, I know I am ready when my time comes, and that is an amazing feeling. Those that we have lost are Rejoicing in Heaven! They will never shed a tear, they will never suffer again. No pain. No sadness.
Don't get me wrong, I am fighting with everything I have to live. While I love my Father and look forward to meeting Him in Heaven, I want to live here on Earth as long as I can. I want to be with my family and enjoy His blessings for the rest of my long life. That is the part that still scares me: leaving my babies, leaving Kevin, leaving my mom. So the battle is on, and Glory be to God it is already won. By His stripes, I am healed!
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