You are "the fixer". I remember this conversation from yesterday. You have always been able to "fix" everything for me. And it is literally killing you that you simply cannot fix this. I wish you could just kiss it away like you did when I was a kid...or simply say, "It's all going to be okay." I know you can't because you never lie to me. You can't say everything is going to be fine, because you don't truly know that it is. And I want you to know, it's okay. I want you to know that YOU are my kindred spirit. Funny how we always pick up the phone to call each other at the same time, isn't it? Or, how I know that you are fixing to call me before the phone even rings? Even when you cannot physically fix something, just know that I know...how badly you want to.
When I was a teenager, I was terrible to my mom. Please, if you are a teenager reading this, NEVER disrespect the woman who gave birth to you. You never know just how much they are truly there for you until you get older. I liked boys too much, I talked to my mom like she was nothing, I thought I knew so much more than she did....I was hell. I never thought we would ever have a close relationship. Then, I got pregnant with my first born when I was just sixteen years old. And...somehow, our relationship changed. Somehow, something clicked in my head and I realized just how much my mom truly knew about everything and I had zero clue about anything. And, I realized just how much I needed my mom. Since then, my mom and I have been inseparable.
Your children are never supposed to get "sick" before you. My favorite movie is Steel Magnolias...and the quote that makes both my mother and I bawl:
"I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know *why* Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby will *ever* know how wonderful his mother was! Will he *ever* know what she went through for him! Oh *God* I wanna know *why*? *Why*? Lord, I wish I could understand! No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna *hit* somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!"
I guess those words never really hit me until now. I never fully grasped the extent of how overwhelming having a sick child was until my mom cried this morning. I'm not a child anymore....but I am still her child. And all she wants to do is "fix it".
My mom had a heart attack in April of 2013. I will never forget that day. The kids, Kevin and I were at home making S'mores in the backyard. Then the phone rang. I automatically knew something was wrong with my mom. I have never driven so fast in my entire life. I didn't make it in time before they took her by helicopter to Denton Regional Hospital. The wait inside that hospital was hell. Nobody had told me that my mother had had a heart attack, but I knew. She had what is known as "the widow maker". My mother is strong, and by all accounts, she shouldn't still be here...but God knew just how much I needed her. And God knows just how much she needs me.
No mom, I know you cannot fix this. But, because of your strength and belief in me, I will fight this with everything I have. God will fight right there beside me because I have to win this for my kids, Kevin and YOU. You are my rock. You are my sanity. You are my strength when I am weak. You give me peace when I absolutely cannot find it. And you are my hero. You raised my brother and I with only the help of my grandma...and I must say, we turned out to be pretty great people with amazing kids. You did the best you could...and the best you could was pretty damn magnificent. I know how to love my children because of the love I receive from you.
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